1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Helping a Friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HalfInsane, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. HalfInsane

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2008
    Messages:
    306
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    All right... I know I’ve been posting too often concerning my friend (well, my ex gf who was and still is my friend) and I’ll say it now, that “Getting over someone...” thread in anonymous was me... although, the thing is, with the last post at any rate, that wasn’t really my concern (although it did happen)... I just felt like ranting about something (I’ve got this thing about ranting about smaller things when larger ones are bugging me)... because there’s something else now that’s pretty serious that I’m trying to deal with.

    Now, before I get slapped for my pointless rambling, I’ll explain...

    My friend (despite being my ex, I’ve always hated that term lol... so I’ll be saying friend this whole time) had a pretty stressful childhood, her parents always fought (to an extreme degree), they smoked... heroine, I believe it was... and they’d both get drunk frequently, her dad more so than her mom. They’re a bit better now, but there still is fighting and drinking... and it’s really stressful for her to be around that all the time, I know. So she’s sometimes snappy, and gets into fights with our group of friends at school a lot... although a good percentage of the time, she actually doesn’t do anything and they’ll all just start attacking her. She’s admitted to being chronically depressed, and as of late, I know it’s been getting worse... and she also has been seeming really angry lately... and so, yesterday, she told me over MSN that I should start making sure she’s not armed as she’s concerned she’s getting near the snapping point... and she doesn’t want to end up hurting herself or someone else. So, of course, we got into a big, long discussion on it.

    Now, I’m one of those people who’ll do everything and anything in my power to help a friend out in a situation like this, although I’ve really gotta wonder in this situation if I really know what I’m doing... or if I’m stretching my limits. So, basically, what I’m doing is this:

    - I’m trying like hell to get her to see a counselor, before anything else. I know my family gets free counseling through my dad’s work... and I’m hoping I’ll be able to get that to work for her, and without her parents knowing, since she doesn’t want them to (they’re part of the problem, and not very understanding) so I’m respecting that.

    - I’ve made it clear that if she ever needs to talk, I'll listen.

    -I’ve told her that if she ever reaches a point where she thinks she’s going to snap, she should be sure to be away from school... and I’d prefer she tell myself or someone else in the event she feels she’s a risk to herself so she can have someone to keep an eye on her.

    - I’m well aware that if someone voices a concern such as this, you need to take it very seriously, and I am. I’ve also made it clear to her that I do care about her and I don’t want anything to happen to her or to someone else and that she has my full support.

    -I’m going to be asking her frequently about what she feels her likelihood of harming herself of someone else is; if she’s seriously considered it (to the point of coming up with some sort of plan, etc.), I know I’ve reached my limit... and I’ll do everything in my power to get her to see someone or to do something that’ll avoid her ending up doing anything. I’m also going to make sure she doesn’t bring anything (a knife or gun or what have you) to school as she asked me... and I’m not too concerned now, but if I get too worried, I’m going to try and talk her into giving me her locker combo and letting me search her locker when and if I feel it’s necessary. To be 100% honest, I don't think she'll do anything... she seems more scared at the possibility she'd even think of that kind of than that she's actually worried she'd do something... but all the same, I'm not going to ignore the possibility.

    -I’m going to seek counseling myself, actually, I plan to do that within a week or two... it may help me in getting her to see a counselor. If she knows I’ve gone about it myself, I might be able to talk her into coming with me and having us both talk to someone... I hope. Plus, I want to be sure I stay in a good emotional state, because even though I know I’m capable of dealing with this at the time being, having me fall apart about it isn’t going to do me or her any good... so I want to be able to talk to a counselor frequently for just that reason.

    -Whenever she wants, I’m fine with either going somewhere else during lunch at school (to get away from friends who’re annoying her) or to have her at my house to get away from her parents.


    ... and yet I’ve got to wonder if I’m doing something wrong, or if there’s something I need to consider. Like I said, I feel I can cope with it now, and I really do want to help her... as stressful as I know it may become, I know there’s no way I’ll ever be convinced to just sit back and do nothing. But I just... I guess I’m scared. I know if anything does happen, I’ll be blame myself in part... and... well... I just needed to vent here. Thanks to anyone who read all this... and if anyone has any advice for me, I’d be extremely grateful.
     
  2. Mirko

    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,870
    Likes Received:
    3,203
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry to hear about your friend. It sound like that your friend really needs help. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Helping her in the best way you can is the best way to go about it and the only thing you can do. Talking to a counselor is a very good way to start to get her off the destructive path on which she seems to be heading. It's great that you indicated to her that she has someone that will listen to her and be there for her. On the counseling point, I agree that going together might be better and perhaps also a bit easier for her talking to someone else about it. Hope all turns out well for the both of you. Hope my response is of some help.

    Good Luck!
     
  3. Davo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2007
    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Scotland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it's amazing how supportive you're being to your friend, it sounds like a very difficult situation and you seem very dedicated to helping her. I don't think there's anything more you can do, just keep supporting her. It seems like a good idea to try and get her some counselling, going with her might make it easier for her.

    My post seems kind of pointless, but I just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing, I hope it works out
     
  4. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I think you're taking on quite a lot for someone your age. At the same time, I think your friend didn't stand a chance of being well adjusted with parents like hers. (It seems you have to jump through hoops to adopt a pet, but any pair of idiots can have their own kids... there really should be rules.)

    Counselling for her is the best thing. Perhaps even children's aid needs to get involved. Does she want to stay with her parents? It sounds to me like she might be better off without them. At any rate, she needs help of some kind.

    I'd like to hope that the very fact that she mentioned hurting someone means that she won't - that she is just so frustrated and scared and worn out right now that she doesn't know what she's going to do. So you being a good friend to her is about the best thing you can do right now.

    I'd be tempted to let YOUR parents know what is going on. Don't try to take this on by yourself. Either your parents or someone you trust at school - teacher or administrator. Perhaps they'd be able to help as well.

    Good luck.
     
  5. HalfInsane

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2008
    Messages:
    306
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    BC, Canada
    I realize I'm taking on a lot here... and that, especially for someone my age, I could easily end up over my head. But I want to try my best; if only if I can get her talking to a counselor or something. I know when I've reached my limit, though... and I've already told her that although I intend to do as much as I can, I may not be able to handle it (at least, not everything, I know I can't handle everything)... but my hope is to get her to counseling, etc., so that I'm no longer in a position where she's relying so heavily on me. Not that I don't want to help; but I know I can't deal with it myself.

    And... as far as her staying with her parents, I don't think she would want to leave. She's in the same grade as me, and we've only got two more years of school after this one (and this year is almost over) so after that she can leave and go wherever she wants. I also don't feel as if I'm in any position to make a judgment on that... I'm just trying to get her to get help and to be supportive.

    My mom knows about it. Since my friend may be spending a lot of time and my house, and since she doesn't want her parents to know about her seeing a counselor in the event she does so it'll be my mom who'll end up driving her to one. She's perfectly willing to do it, too. I also plan to talk to a counselor myself, if only to get a bit of advice on what I should do and how I can take care of myself while dealing with this.