Coming Out: Two Weeks and 3000 Miles Later

It all began two weeks ago with an email to my parents. After careful consideration I realized an email was my best option. My parents live halfway across the United States and I felt like a phone call could get too emotionally charged. In my coming out letter I gently explained my feelings and all of the usual things. In the end I emphasized that I would be open to answering any of their questions. Little did I know what that would truly mean!

A couple hours later the phone rang. I trembled as I answered it. The first thing they said was “Just relax, we love you no matter what.” That was a huge relief… but I knew it was only the beginning. The conversation quickly shifted towards denial. Despite the certainty that I felt I had emphasized in my letter, my parents were convinced that I was just confused and questioning. They insisted that because I never have dated a girl I cannot possibly know that I am gay. Also, they were convinced that it is a choice and that no one is born this way.

I should pause to mention that my parents are hardcore conservatives and deeply religious. I am their only child, and it was just a year ago that I moved out of their house to go to graduate school. So, not only was this a big shock to them in a family sense, but also it was a big challenge to their political and religious identities.

The call went on for over an hour and little progress was made. They were happy to know that I have not yet acted on my desires, and they decided to make it their mission to try and save me before I “do anything I will regret.” So the next day my dad began the 25 hour drive from Minnesota to Florida. When he finally arrived a couple days later the conversation started civil but quickly grew intense. It got very personal and we talked about topics we wouldn’t normally have discussed. He told me this was so devastating to him that it’s even worse than a cancer diagnosis…

Eventually my dad began to accept that my sexuality was not my choice. However, he then took it in a different direction. He argued that acting on it IS entirely a choice, and that if I care about him and my mom I would at least try dating a girl, or at the very least remain celibate. His goal was to break me out of my “selfishness” and through guilt make me understand that my actions impact both him and my mom deeply. The “lack of future grandchildren” issue was also brought up. I tried to explain that I am completely open to having my own kid one day through surrogate means. He said that method would be morally wrong and unnatural. This led us to religion, which became even more intense when he realized that I am agnostic.

Over the next couple days my dad jumped between phases of acceptance and harsh disapproval. I think there was even somewhat of a bargaining phase as he spent hundreds of dollars making my apartment nicer while he was here. The severity of his extremes slowly diminished, and by the end of the week he was settling on a neutral ground of partial-acceptance. However, because my mom was still in Minnesota and was not involved in any of these conversations, my dad convinced me that I should go home with him and give her a chance to see me face-to-face. So I agreed and we began the 25 hour drive to Minnesota.

When I arrived things started out much the same way as they did with my dad. I spent several days trying to get her to the same point he was at, but it didn’t go all that well. She remained very emotional and was even more passionate with the religious comments. She made it very clear to me that she will “never” change her mind on this issue and will never approve of this lifestyle. Despite both of them insisting that they will “never approve,” they also continued to say that they love me and always will. So I have hope that time will change things, but it may be too early to tell.

Finally, today I flew back to Florida after beginning this process a whole two weeks ago. I generally am feeling bad about their reactions, yet at the same time I am very happy to be out of the closet to those that matter. I think the hardest part is now over, and I can comfortably move on to the next phase of my life (in other words it's time to find a boyfriend! )