Some of you might have noticed my steadily rising out status.. but probably not.. haha, I don't want to be too confident in my noticeability.. I'm writing this for a number of reasons. I'll find some closure in putting this down somewhere more fixed than in my head I think this could be interesting to some of the lurkers who haven't joined EC yet I kinda want my coming out success(?) to be acknowledged by an outside power (not friends) And probably some more internal things too but idk Well, I'm now officialy out to 8 people.. all of whom have given me mixed responses and I still feel no elation. 2 of these people weren't even told by me so it's awkward around them.. and knowing my friends, there's probably more so I guess keeping a little black book with the names and dates of people I came out to is starting to become meaningless. I seem to be coming out to people once a day. I originally started this to take some stress off of myself.. but it's kind of making me a hot head and lethargic at the same time. I feel like a hot head because I feel like I'm closer than ever to getting a bf and I feel lethargic because people are starting to mean less to me (after some of the responses I got.. ) 1st person, male, >2 months ago, aim I won't go into this because I've faught myself enough over it. I will say that I got a mixed response and it caused much strife.. the jist is he supported me and then stopped.. and this is also what cause my recent revelation to people.2nd person, female, April 29th 2008, aim I came out to her for support really. She is bi herself but she barely provided encouragement. She only told me that she still loved me.. and that felt bad because I associate that phrase with bad things why should that ever have to be said? idk.. but nothing has changed between us.. She lives in FL anyways and I'm in VA so this coming out didn't really make me feel anything. It was kinda pointless in my overall coming out experience.3rd person, female, May 3rd 2008, in person You know, I really have to thank this person.. if it wasn't fer her ignorant actions, I probably would only be out to 4 people right now. She didn't freak out too much when I told her.. she likes to practice stoicism but I believe it to be flawed by the fact that she can't work logic for crap. I told her because of the incident with the first guy I told.. she got involved with our fight and then because she didn't want to deal with our problems, bailed and is now ignoring me for reasons I can't explain. She is weak in my opinion for working so hard to find out what was bothering me and then bail with little effort. My opinion of her is forever changed in my eyes, just like how I am in hers. We were best friends... although she tells me she has no best friends because of her stubborness.. but w/e4th person, male, May 3rd 2008, messaging The same day I came out to the 3rd person, I decided to come out to this guy. I've never met him in person but I knew he was bi. He's good friends with my other friends so I wanted to come out to him to explain my situation with them. This was the closest thing I've felt to elation thus far. He was the first to respond in an overly good manner so I felt good about myself at this point.. And at this point, the 3rd person I came out to had not started ignoring me yet. I still didn't feel like this was a victory though because he really has no influence on my daily life.. he's just someone I talk to on the internet occasionally.5th person, male, May 3rd 2008, someone tattled I still have a hard time believing that the 3rd person I came out to told her father. The SAME DAMN DATE I told her not to tell anyone, she tells her dad.. a very bad thing when you consider family and how she is generally how I go to events with friends since her parents take me places. She reassured me that he probably won't tell his wife and I have to say, even though she's ignored 2 of my requests with little remorse, I actually believe this because I remember one time he looked me right in the face and told me "You have to understand people before you judge them." I don't know what to think regarding her family. She is ignoring me, her father knows about me... I'm sure they'll know soon enough that she's ignoring me.. I doubt she can keep her mouth shut. I've lost a lot of respect for her. (Dang.. it's so much more complicated but this is for simplicity I suppose)6th person, female, May 5th 2008, in person FINALLY, someone who actually means something to my daily life gave me a good response. Even though she was my ex girlfriend, I decided I had to come out to her because of our close friendship and that I REALLY REALLY needed someone to talk to. She is also bi.. but anyways. I told her at lunch and she just hugged me and we had a short conversation about things that I actually wanted to talk about like boys and what she thought about me before I came out to her. I consider her to be my main friend at the momment.. she's the only one who will actually act like a friend and will discuss anything with me without prejudice or without apathy. It's a friend like her that makes me feel like I could well be hated by the entire school as long as I have a friendship as close as this one now is...7th person, female, May 6th 2008, someone tattled Well, even though she is AMAZING, the 6th person I told told this female friend that isn't mine... I don't even really like her that much. I was gonna vote against her in her election because she didn't hand me candy when I was CLEARLY the person next in line for a bribe... but w/e My friend said that she guessed so she had to tell her she was right.. and that made me angry because now I know that she has a flaw where she'll tell you a secret if you guess it. I witnessed it today when she told a guy the girl that liked him after he guessed correct. W/e.. I barely see this 7th girls face but I don't trust her mouth. I barely know much about her and she's in close contact with my other friends everyday.8th person, female, May 7th 2008, in person This was probably the most awkward coming out thus far. It happened today, early morning. We were walking and we started talking about problems in our life. She is having a very hard time with her family and I decided to tell her why I was fighting with the majority of my friends to maybe make her feel better or get her mind off things..... WELL, lesson to everyone, don't come out to someone who is feeling crappy.. I doubt it makes them feel any better.. especially if they like you X_X I told her and she basically glanced it off.. she said a few things like "cool" and "my mom's gay".. nothing really important because I knew a long time ago that her mom was gay and the fact that she restated it only proved how awkward the conversation was.. (you had to be there to understand) I can tell that I'm always awkward around her.. I just told her because at this point, it's getting easier to tell people. I just trap myself and then I come out.. So far the coming out experience has not been as pleasant as a lot of the other posts portray.. I feel like a dissapointed critic. I'm not excited to tell people anymore but I continue to just to get the word out.. though sometimes I feel like I'm dying after the responses I get... I can't stop now.. I want to be happy and I know that I'm gonna have to go through an equal amount of crap before I can get that amount in happiness (bad philosophy) I do, however, believe the responses to get better though.. Most of the people on my list to tell are friends that I've recently made in the past year or two and who are bi/gay themselves.. I'm sure they'll welcome me with open arms since there's no real string attatched as in my other friendships but I can't help but feel empty with this rapid new lifestyle that is foreign to what I wanted in the first place... As for my crush life, I'm feeling increasingly comfortable around MV and I love the fact that he talks to me with ease... even if 5th period is a pretty relaxed time for me. I get impulses to just kiss him.. even if we aren't talking and we're standing in the halls waiting for the bell to ring. It just feels so right and like... my mind assumes we're already together.. it hurts a little but idk.. It's what I'm fighting for I doubt my sleep paralysis will get any better soon. END SHARE
Im sorry things havent gone so well for you. And this probably doesnt help much, but your friends dont seem like the best people.. Im sorry, and I hope things get better .
Well then, that seems like a lot to process. Firstly, yes I had noticed your steady increase in out status. I was curious myself, so thanks for posting. Do you think you're ready to be completely out to everyone? Because, at this rate, it seems like it won't be long until word gets around. I think it's important that you find a friend to support you through everything, and it looks like you have in #6. Congratulations on coming out, and I hope it becomes easier//less stressful//more rewarding for you. Tell #6 I said thanks for being a great friend for somebody in need of support.
I'm sorry too that you haven't had as great an experience coming out as some people have. But either way, as I think you've realized, you will only really be happy by being yourself. So good luck, and carry on. We're all here rooting for you!!!! (*hug*)
Sorry that you've had some bad experiences with coming out. Unfortunately as you come out to more people, you'll probably get more of these reactions, at least now you know what possible bad reactions to expect and how to cope with them. But you'll hopefully get lots of positive reactions too, it'll let you know who are your true friends and who you shouldn't waste your time with Even though she blabbed, #6 seems like a great friend, and #8 probably had too much going on to even register what you were saying, just give it time, I'm sure she'll be supportive too. Good luck. As you come out to more people, hopefully it'll be more rewarding for you
The weird thing about this is I feel sexier.. idk why x_x I feel more comfortable looking at guys now.. but I know it's a risky game My friends will keep it in a moderately tight circle at most.. but I never really thought about how if it got out I'd have to defend myself and then out myself to bystanders I know that pretty soon I'm gonna have to tell my nephew since he goes to my school and knows a lot of my friends... He lives 3 doors down from my house.. : ( Thanks for reading
I think that when you're in school, it's tough to depend on people to not spread secrets. For me, when I decided to tell the first person, I realized there was no going back. If they had gone and told everyone else, I would have had to deal with it. I could have claimed it was a lie, but that would have been a blow to the person I originally confided in, and to me, coming out wasn't about attacking other people, but being clear with myself. When I came out to friends, I never felt a huge sense of relief or euphoria. The largest weight on my shoulders was my parents, not my friends. The difference between telling a potentially damaging secret to people that are supposed to love you unconditionally, and those who you consider friends or acquaintances is huge. Ask yourself, who am I trying to hide this from the most? I've found that the hardest things to overcome are often the things that have the biggest rewards. A bit off topic, but maybe it will help you with finding this euphoria you seem to be after.
