Just wanted to share how my sexual orientation has become solidified lately, and how I've achieved some semblance of clarity in my life. I'm writing all this after one of the best dates ever last night. I don't know what will happen in the future with her, but in my quest to be genuine and happy, I think I am doing something right. As far back as I can remember, I questioned my attraction to guys. I made myself crush on guys so that I would have something to tell my straight friends. I didn't know any lesbians. I knew I found women attractive, and always thought things like "if that girl were a guy I would date her." I felt uncomfortable around lesbians; looking back it's because often I thought they were attractive, and would get nervous around them. Meanwhile I crushed on guys, but I always sought them out based on if I had a shot with them or not. There was a very conscious effort on my behalf to act normal and straight. But I still didn't know I was queer. I dated guys. I hooked up with them. I felt okay with this in general, and I enjoyed dating for the most part, but whenever what I had with a guy extended beyond a short dalliance I would become angry and bitter about where things were going. I didn't have feelings, so if I couldn't see myself marrying them I didn't want anything more to do with them. I couldn't enjoy just spending time with them, except as just friends. I would wonder why I didn't have feelings for any of my guy friends, even the ones I found attractive. I still didn't know. Then one day there was a moment where I realized my attraction to a particular girl, and at first I was excited. This was the missing piece!! ...Or was it? I sank again into self-doubt, thinking about the guys I had dated and how I was never grossed out by them or anything. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. I decided I was just kidding myself because of frustration. I couldn't explain it to my friends. Some said "it's no big deal" which was great on one hand but also made me wonder what was wrong with me for thinking it was a big deal. Some asked me if I was sure, which made me doubt the sincerity of my identity. I had been fake my whole life, and so I'd lost touch with what was real and what wasn't. I had never had sex with a girl so I couldn't picture that, which made me think I was straight. I sank deeper into depression. I dated a girl for whom I just didn't have the feelings I hoped to have. She was beautiful and smart and kind but I didn't feel the sparks, and so I wondered if I was really gay or if I was just sick of dating guys, as some well meaning friends have asked. But even with her, and on subsequent dates with women, I felt this connection that I had never felt with a guy. It was relieving that dating was actually fun and not hopeless. And for once, sitting across the tables from these beautiful women, I didn't ask if my friends would think my date was attractive: all that mattered was what I thought of my date. Because their hair was short and they were not wearing heels and they were not the conventional ideal of beauty, but they were my ideal of beauty and I'd discovered my own capacity to want someone inside and out. Bisexuality isn't a stepping stone for everyone, I get that. And i still identify with the label somewhat because I would potentially fall in love with a man. But for now, I am really into women and it's becoming clearer. (&&&)(&&&)(&&&)(!)(!)(!):eusa_danc:eusa_danc:eusa_danc
