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It Just Hurts

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by qwr42, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. qwr42

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Trapped in NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    This is my coming out story, it's lengthy, but i've edited it down a bit, hopefully you can enjoy, maybe learn a thing or two.

    I can date it back to when i was 6 years old. I lived in a conservative Christian home, and my parents heard I was playing doctor with another kid from down the street. They called the kids parent and punished me by not allowing anyone in my room and i had to do everything under their supervision. They gave me the usual homophobic slice of leviticus, and told me i was evil. Great. I never really liked my parents, they were always throwing the bible in my face, then screaming and cussing at each other when they argue almost daily. It still irks me that they tell me all of these things to do, not to do, what to think, how to act, then to the opposite in front of me.

    Starting the day they pegged me down for being gay i prayed everyday to help me with my "struggle," somehow i just knew it wasn't a phase. And life at home wasnt getting any easier. Starting in 4th grade, i made my runaway plans- in 8th my suicide plans. In 9th grade i was convinced i was still Mr Straightboy so i dated one of my best friends (a girl). But i guess trying to like girls when you are into guys wasnt as easy as i thought. After we broke up several months later i messed around with a guy and then i hated myself for it. But that was when it started to click for me.

    I already knew everything against being gay biblically, i was one of those "God hates fags" people. But i always looked up the opposing viewpoints because i desperately wanted it to be wrong. Begining tenth grade, i read through my bible and every argument that was for or against Christian gays.

    It wasnt till June 3, 2013 that i read this, and finally accepted that it was ok, and I cannot express the joy i felt in that moment. It was the only time i have ever cried out of happiness.

    I made myself several promises (which i have almost completely broken) about how to keep myself safe. I wouldnt tell my parents, my family, or any of my friends except if i knew i could trust them. I walked through school the next day beaming. I just had to tell someone, so the first person i told was one of my best friends, but i had forgotten she was my ex...

    She was really upset, which i didnt really expect. She really had a rough dating life i never realized. But after a long heart to heart she finally said that we were still friends and she was very happy for me, but upset she didnt see it coming (i dont see how, i thought it was pretty obvious). I just told her i had 10 years of covering up my sexuality, apparently that was the right thing to say (phew).

    The next person i told was actually an accident. I was nervous about telling my next best friend because we used to joke about these two homophobic, gay jocks in our english class (they both tried so hard it was pitifully funny). So i was nervous he wouldnt take it well. I told a lesbian friend and she gave me some advice. I finally told him and he was fine with it. He said that he didnt think any different of me, which is more than i could ask for.

    Me and my sister had a deep conversation about a week later. She told me about how my mom once wanted to go on medication because she had severe depression. My sister said she used to beat herself after arguments with dad. Dad wouldn't let her go on meds, but they both went into couples therapy where my mom wouldn't let dad talk and just complained and cried and fussed about everything. After a while dad told mom he would be fine with her going on meds, but she didn't want to. My oldest sister had gone on meds and they really messed with her head, and mom didn't want that to happen to her. It really annoyed me that my parents never told me any of this, i know it may seem irrelevant but i would've wanted to know, and they've even lied to my face about a lot of this.

    My sister noticed i was a bit shook up so she took me out to get coffee, it seemed right at the time to come out to her, and i did. She held my hand and almost cried, she was really happy, and told me that if anything ever went wrong, we could move out together. She told me that once she asked mom what would happen if she was a lesbian. My mom said she would be ok with it, and would support her, but she couldn't bring any of her dates home.

    After hearing this i was excited, i really wanted to tell my mom, if what she said was true. When we got home, dad was on the phone and mom was alone, i came out to my mom. But she blew of the whole conversation, i said i was gay, she said i was too young to decide. I said i think its ok, she said you are looking too hard for your answers. I said, what if i was gay, i get a job, i live on my own, and i got married? She said thats no wedding i would go to. She added an automatic, I will always love you. But i was watching her eyes, and the look she had broke my heart, im not sure she meant actually meant it.

    Mom seems to have completely forgotten all of it. Every once and a while she will make some snide comment about it, about some statistic or some sort of therapy. I try to stay silent. Everything has gone back to normal, but i still remember all of it. It just hurts, i can remember her words, her distaste, how her conversation was snappy, and crude. It hurts when my parents say they love me, but they dont love me, because they cant love me. Not me, because in secret, i'm an "abomination." As soon as im on my own, as soon as they know, i cant go back. It's a bomb, waiting to go off, and i have to brace myself everyday for the worst. It wouldn't be unlikely to come home from school and find my things in boxes outside the door.

    Since then i have only told one other person, who i knew i could trust. But i cant tell even my closest of friends, because they hangout at my house sometimes. If they made a comment that would make my dad raise an eyebrow, well, i just can't lie about this anymore. I am graduating early, so i only have one more year here, i really hope it goes fast. Im not depressed anymore, im scared. But i have faith, and i know it will get better. It really helps to know i have people i can trust.

    So that is my story, if any of you read it, leave a comment or something so i can read yours because mine was pretty darn long, so i guess i can return the favor. If you need advice and you come across me i will always lend an ear.
    Cheers!
     
  2. Bear101

    Full Member

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    Wow. Well, first of all, congrats on opening up to those you have. You sound like an amazing young man. I'm not sure of your age, but it sounds like you're a teenager (since you're still living at home).

    Parents always take awhile to come around. They just do. As you get older, get out in the world and establish yourself, it will be easier to come out to your friends and family. I know that it hurts that your mom is blowing this off right now, but give it time. And as for your dad, I have no words of wisdom there. Do you have any aunts or uncles that may be able to bridge that gap at all?

    Just know that there's a lot of really supportive people out there. It's just that a lot of them may not be in your family.
     
  3. qwr42

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    Trapped in NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks, it really means a lot, i can tell you i am 16 (been meaning to add my age).
    Unfortunately, the only people in my family i can really count on are my sisters, but i dont really want to chance it. My whole family (extended and such) are all conservative Christians, and complain about gay marriage being legalized, we're all going to hell and such. Im sure my immediate family will come around but like you said, it will take time, im sure.
     
  4. swifter

    swifter Guest

    i didn't think i would ever find your coming out story xP, well i have a bad thought about people that think i'm an "abomination", "they can go f*** themselves and leave me the F*** alone with my pretty little heart" (that includes any family member or "friend" that is close-minded) because nobody ever messes with my heart and what it feels.

    Some of us don't need negative people in our lives, i'm just waiting to graduate from high school, and then from college and get a job and go and live on my own and only be around my friends. my parents are in a similar situation so i kind of understand you (they would want me dead if they knew)