Im Lost

Right now i guess im in the closet. but its complicated. Here's My story. I always kinda new i was gay, ever since 2nd grade, i kno its young, I went to a Christian Privet school and i was in class and me and a Friend of mine were at a long table, because the class hade a few of them, and we were facing each other. I dont kno why but i randomly told him if he showed me his, I'd show Him mine. This is the middle of class mind you. He said Ok, and i "dropped my pencil" and got under the table, he unzipped his pants and let me see it, i was ammazed, then he went down and i showed him mine. then when we were both above the table again we leaned close to each other and said "can i touch it?" at the exact same time, well we let eachother touch eachother. and that was that.
Well a few weeks later me and my Friend Grace were talking, and I told her about it. And she told my teacher. Me and my Friend were Sent to the principal to be punished then Pray. Well the next year i maved schools and never saw him again, i guess i went into deniel, I still to this day do not know if The principal ever told my mom about it. She dropped hints over the years saying odd remarks about disowning me if she ever found out i was gay, and how she'd rather me do drugs, then be gay. I never really thought much off the remarks, because like i said i was in deniel. I became kind of anti social when i moved schools. I had no attraction to girls and none to guy's either, not untill 7th grade.
In 8th grade i Had the biggest crush on this guy, he was in some of my classes. I would masturbate to think of being with him. and nothing ever happened. I never said anything to him, well i was doing very poorly in school at the time, and i wound up failing the grade, then in my second year of 8th grade i met this guy named Zach. He was so hot, i had a crush on a few guys, but mainly him, and a guy named Kennen. well i befrieded them both, and i had some wierd times with both of them. Like this one time i didnt have my book in Lit, and Zach sat right behind me so my teacher told me to look on with him, and i put my hand under the table and started rubbing his leg, and i went up to the top of his inner thigh and he looked me in the eyes, and our gaze held for what felt like forever, It was so awesome, but before anything else happened we had to leave class. I never told him i was gay and he never said anything about it to me, but we were still friends, well I had told a few close friends at the time, and they all supported me 100%, and by this time the end of the year had come around, and I still never said anything to him. On the last day of school i had written him a note, expressing my feelings, and well he checked out early, and i never got to give it to him, and we moved that summer...
We moved to a little town and a little school, it was a big change from what i had been used to, and well my cousin went to school with me. and we both made the same friends, altho she didnt kno about me at the time. I still kept in touch with my friends who knew, and it came to be that my friend caitlin had a class with zach in 9th grade, and talked to him about me, and he said he knew i liked him....but its too late to fix that, altho i regret it. Well anyways, me and my cousin Kristin made friends with a lesbian couple, i was so jealouse of them, they were so open and jsut didnt care abuot other what others thought, well i came out to them, and kristin found out, she was very supportive, and well my lesbian friends were too supportive. they tried to force me out, and that made things even harder, i had to Defend my reputation. I was in what i like to think as Social Deniel, and well ppl asked and i denied, and i became friends with some really hot guys, namely Jeffrey and Kevin, and well on DEC 17th, we got out for christmas break, and I text messaged Jeffrey and said i liked him, i never said who it was, but he knew it was me. and well it just so happened that he was at a party, and alot of his friends had found out about it, and well it got around, i dont kno if it would have changed things if he'd have gooten the mesages alone, but he shunned me, he just stopped talking to me, we grew apart, well a couple months later i asked him if he hated me for what i did to him, and he said he never hated me, and that was that. we just didnt talk anymore. Well back to that christmas break, when we came back like everyone knew, but no one said anything, and iff they did i denied it. and then i came out to Kevin. He accepted it, and was curioise about it, i failed my first semester World history in 9th grade b/c of him, we sat there passing notes all period, everyday. WE flirted and we also had lit, gym, and Shop together. well he always asked me to help him in shop class. But i kno he knew how to do it on his own, but i dint say anthing about it, me leaning over him to help him with his Saw and variose other things were too good for me to risk messing it up by trying to do "something" with him. i thought of him all the time, and we would talk on the phone for hours, and we would actually masturbate while talking to each other, and he threw SO many hints at me but i was Blind. i had so many chances to "BE" with him but they all slipped by, well anyways, when we went on summer break we grew apart after i told him i was girl, and he asked if i still liked guys and i said yeah i was still courisouse. But we just kinda grew apart. and in 10th grade i had a class with him, and ppl had stopped asking if i was gay, because i got into to many fights over it for too many ppl to believe it. well we were never able to get close like we were, and i felt bad about that. btu i moved on. i didnt have any close guy friends for a while, and im now in the 11th grade, when i should be a senior. but my academic life has turned around, and im in mostly AP and senior classes. Now i have new friends, and i Have some Really stong feelings for a couple guys. But i dont want to Ruin it, or have a repeat of 9th grade. Im friends with these guys, and one was in my 9th grade gym class, so i think he know's alittle already, and the other i met this year. and the guy i met this year is really nice, we are not as close as me and kevin were but we are getting there, and he is always touching me, hugging me, and laying his head on my shoulder, stuff like that, i dont want to missread signal, and i dont want the chance to go by. it scares me tho, b/c he sitts next to my younger brother in one of his classes and the thought of it gettting back to him scares the shit out of me. But he is also graduating this year, and he has a girlfriend, SO im so confused. im lost. See, im not a stariotypical gay guy, i love to play football, wieght lift, and i like to chill with friends and get drunk and just have a good time. i enoy running, sports are fun to me, and i can hold my own. im really social, and fun, and have lots of friends, but they are more relations than friends, i have a few best friends and then there are the people i party with i guess im sorta popular, and that was a huge fieght after my rep in 9th grade, and i dont want to lose that. i think i've hit a brick wall :bang: I dont no what to do. Like i said im lost, and dont kno wether i should try to come out again or not. I'm afraid everything will go as badly as it did before. CAn someone please help me figure out what i shuold do. Thanks.
Me.