Here's my story... About a year and a half ago, I came out to my family that I was a lesbian. At the time I was living with my ex girlfriend, and her 3 children, and I was happy. Except for the fact that I was hiding this from everyone. See, my family thought that we were just "roommates". My family loved my ex girlfriend, my mom is the one who had introduced us. But this was before I came out. When I came out, my parents immediately told me I was going to hell. My Dad wuit speaking to me. We would see each other in public and I would speak to him and he would turn and walk away. It broke my heart. My mom tried to have a relationship with me, but everytime we were together we ended up fighting because the fact that I am a lesbian. I wasn't allowed to see my little sister without adult supervision (like I have a disease or I'm a pervert). The ONLY person who accepted me was my grandmother. I called her right after I came out to my parents, and she was very supportive. She took me and my ex, and our kids under her wing, and treated us like Gold. OK, moving forward..... things never got any better with me and my parents. In June of 2006, me and my ex ended our relationship, and I moved in with my Grandmother. My parents began talking to me and for a few weeks, the "lesbian" talk never came up. When it finally did, I told my parents that it was just a phase and that I was in fact straight. I started going to church, where they still treated me kind of funny, and developed a relationship with my parents. Up until this past summer, I have NEVER had a good relationship with my parents. Now, I get along with both of them better than I ever ahve. We are closer than we have ever been. But heres the problem. I am in fact a lesbian, but my parents think I'm straight. I live with my current girlfriend. My family has even come over to eat dinner with us and take a tour of our apartment. A few hours before they showed up, we transformed my girlfriends daughter's bedroom into mine. We took ALL of her stuff out of the room and put it into our room. We took ALL of my stuff and put in her room. Needless, to say it passed my parents "inspection" but left me feeling guilty as hell. My grandmother knows that I am a lesbian, and knows about my girlfriend. I've never come out and told her, but she's made it known that she knows, and just like before she treats us like Gold. Anyways, I'm debating on coming out to my parents again, for the simple fact that I despise dishonesty, so living this secret life makes me feel like a hypocrit. Not to mention that our daughter and my little sister are in the same grade at the same school. Either I have to tell them, or they will find out on their own soon. I'm not sure what to do, because I finally have the relationship with them that I've longed for all my life, but I know once I come clean, I will lose it. And this time around they will know that I'm a lesbian, and it's not just a phase. I just can't stand the thought of losing them again. I did find a website... www.familyacceptance.com, which was a real eye opener as to what they are going through, or will be going through. But it still doesn't make coming out any easier.
Wow! Sorry - but I find it hard to say anything else having just read every single word in the www.familyacceptance.com link that you shared. There are some enormously powerful statements in that site - that will be particularly relevant to a lot of people who have spoken of coming from religious (and potentally condemnatory) backgrounds. I an sorry that you (seemingly) don't feel that you are able to point your own parents to that site in your personal situation. I do hope you will understand that I think that is such a remarkable message in that site that I feel it is well worth sharing (more obviously) with EC members (particularly with those who have religious families) by adding it as a link in our " Coming Out - What to expect guide". As for your own situation...I would say that I think you are fortunate to have an understanding Grandparent. Aren't grandparents sometimes just simply wonderful? They are a generation removed from the "What have I done to deserve this" mentality - and are are able to just accept people on their merits. Your Grandmother (is it your Mother or your Father's mother?) sounds like a truly remarkable, accepting, loving person. If I were you, I would treasure her beyond belief - and wonder if there it might be possible for her to "make a difference" in a possible acceptance by your parents? Does she understand the internet? Could she view the site you yourself mentioned here? Could she possibly become your "advocate" to your parents? I don't know - but it might be worth pursuing. All I can really do is wish you luck - and thank you for highlighting that website. I really hope you find a way to progress positively with your folks. Good luck - and, (of course) the biggest possible welcome to EmptyClosets!
Yes, I agree 100% that the website does have some very powerful statements in it. It definately did help me understand what our parents face when they find out. When I do build up the courage to tell them, I do plan on giving them that website. As for my grandmother, she is my mom's mother. She tried to talk to them last time, but it didn't work. See, she can't stand my father, because of how he treated me growing up, and she resents my mother for being with him, and for treating me the way she has my entire life. So, when my parents lash out and start degrading me, my grandmother is the first to crawl their ass. I must say my grandmother is not only just a grandmother. She is my best friend. It does sound funny to say that, but its true. I've told her almost everything there is to know about me. She even snuck me into a bar at age 19, and got me falling down drunk. When I used to smoke pot, when I'm not encouraging or discouraging it, she even got high with me. It's not that she "endorses" any of those actions, or necessarily approves of everything I do, she just wants to be a part of my life, and like she says, "I aint going to live forever, so I might as well party while I can", lol. Anyways, I know she will be supportive and back me when I do tell my parents. She's one hell of a woman.
Your grandma kicks ass! I'm glad you two are so close. That website is really good and I can't see how a reasonable person would not come around at least a little bit after reading it. It's not some "gay propaganda" but the experiences of real people who have come to realize that being gay is just part of who we are and in no way reduces our worth. I've thought about coming out to my grandma since she is the only one who still asks me if I've found a girlfriend yet. I don't know if she really thinks that I'm straight or if she asks as a way of giving me the chance to come out to her. In a way I feel bad for never having told my grandpa before he died, so sometimes I think I would like to tell her before it's too late. She'll be 87 this year, but is doing pretty well health-wise and still lives on her own.
Out of sight out of mind. I highly doubt your parents truly believe you're straight. Having a good relationship with your parents is important. Yet, living your life how you are and will be is even more important. You've a large decision to make in the future. Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness to placate your parents? I don't think any parent, deep down, would want that.
