I came out as agnostic. And then I came out.

I apologise as this whole post is a confused mess of what I want to say. There's a lot to this story, but if anything in here helps anyone at all, then that would just make my day.

There's two aspects to my story:

1. Being gay
2. Being raised in a conservative Christian religion

I've known I was gay since I was in my late teens. It took a long time for me to accept it, as I mostly ignored the whole conception of sexuality by burying myself in my studies and hobbies. Any talk of sex, girls, who's hot, was an excuse for me to go to the bathroom, or when I was directly asked, a blatant lie and quick attempt to change the topic.

In our religion, we don't drink, dancing was a no-no (it was a big deal getting permission to go to the ball/prom), clubbing/bars/pubs definitely weren't allowed. And as my parents are devout in their faith, we were raised strictly under these prohibitions (unlike some of the other members whose parents turned a blind eye). It also didn't help that they were over-protective.

These two things have had a profound effect on my social life and upbringing. Knowing that I would eventually leave my religion, I shut myself off from making friends at church to make the eventual 'break-up' as easy as possible. And at uni/school, it was a struggle to reconcile my longing for friendship, and fear of making a friendship so close that I'd actually get invited to a social event (for which I'd usually have to decline begrudgingly - because my parents would have never approved). And so with my stunted social ability, I have ended up with a lot of acquaintances, but not very many close friends. If that makes sense.

Fast forward to 2013. I'm 24. Having graduated last year, and now in full-time work, I decided that this was the year to face the music.

I hated being dishonest, I hated putting up walls, and I hated that I wasted so many opportunities because of the fear of what would happen. I didn't feel like I deserved it, but I also knew that it was within my power to change things too.

This was gonna be it.

Coming out for the first time was kind of unexpected. I was with one of my few close friends. She was looking for a friend to lean on after her breakup with her boyfriend. After a few hours of pretty deep and meaningful conversation, she suddenly turned the topic of conversation onto me. Then I kinda just blurted it out. Everything. She said "I'm so glad you told me", we both cried, hugged, and it was support and love both ways. It was a good day.

The next person I came out to, a few weeks later, was what I considered to be the hardest person to come out to - my mum.

To rewind and add a bit of context: my parents, devout in their faith, hold offices in our church quite high up in the hierarchy. Church was a non-negotiable, as were the twice-weekly services. It's the kind of religion where if your family members do something wrong, you get punished (you'd lose your office, and a take a battering to your reputation). It's not Westboro Baptist Church levels of craziness, but maybe more like how it is in Jehovah's witness (I guess from stories that I've read).

My dad passed away 3 years ago, and my mum has been fragile ever since. Her faith is one of the few things which keeps her going. Her faith, and her kids.

To come out to her as not believing in the church, and as a gay son, would in my mind, take those two things away from her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I loved her too much to do that to her.

But somehow, for me to live my own life in any fulfilling way, I knew I would have to do it eventually. And that scared the hell out of me. In order to secure my own happiness, I'd have to destroy hers.

Fast forward again to the day I decided to tell her.

"Is something wrong?" she asks, seeing me so forlorn all day.

"Can we talk?" I say.

She knew something heavy was coming, and with that, I said "I don't believe in our church. I don't find any reason to sacrifice for a belief that I don't agree with."

And I was incredibly surprised by her reaction. While obviously upset and confused, she maintained her composure and spoke with me like an adult. We talked at length about why I had no faith. And she was patient and attentive to what I had to say.

My argument eventually boiled down to two reasons: 1. I didn't believe that the Bible alone could sustain the basis for belief in God, and 2. "why would God put me in an impossible situation?"

"What impossible situation?" she asks.

*silence that seemed to last an eternity*

"I don't like girls" (I couldn't force the two words "I'm gay" aloud)

"Are you telling me you're gay?"

And then it was a few more hours conversation, late into the night. About how I knew, about how I felt, and she spent a lot of time trying to understand where I was coming from.

She said "well, you are my son, and I will love you no matter what".

While I was relieved and uplifted, knowing that I had my mum's support. I then felt a sort of anxiety - knowing that now my mum had to deal with this. Reconciling her faith, with her love for me and desire for my wellbeing. In our religion, it is not the things of this world that we should work towards, but rather the things which are unseen - ultimately, the 'eternal life in the kingdom of heaven'. She asked if I could make the sacrifice of denying happiness in this world, for the 'true happiness' in heaven. I said I couldn't.

She said that, in fact, she was more disappointed that I had no faith, rather than me being gay.

We spent a lot of late nights afterwards talking about what we were both feeling. At the beginning, it was a lot of "God can perform miracles, if you have faith, he can change you", despite my clear interjections to the contrary. I know a lot of what she says is said on the basis of her faith, and I made it clear that it was not my intention to change her beliefs. I just wanted her to understand where I'm coming from.

And that's where we are right now. Stuck in a bit of a limbo. It may not be possible to ever to reconcile her faith with my reality. But I know that she loves me and for that I'm so grateful. And it's funny, because now we are the closest we have ever been.

Thanks if you read all of that. I hope at least someone can find solace in being in a similar situation.

I need advice on where to go from here, but I will save that for another thread

 

Thanks for your kind words and affirmation everyone. It means a lot to me.

 

Hi there, you're welcome, and thank you for dropping a line. I'm glad you were able to find my post helpful. I think religion can make it especially difficult for us LGBT. Things for me are still difficult, but overall, coming out was the best thing for me to do. I wish you best for your coming out and please let me know how it goes.

Feel free to ask any questions if you ever need to :]