I recently came out to my mother as trans*, it went disastrously. She said some pretty awful stuff and I'm really hurt by it. All my friends who have had to come out to parents, whether sexuality or gender related, have been met with love, support and acceptance. So they can't understand what it was like to have to listen to her say how disgusted she was and how she'd never understand it and never want to understand it. How I was breaking her heart, ruining her life, and how she couldn't deal with it. She said the only support she can give me is to make sure I go to the GIC for NI, as she thinks the therapy they provide will "cure" me, and I won't feel the need to transition. I feel so awful, and so guilty. I wish I hadn't said anything to her. Everyone else I've come out to, my father included, have been at least accepting, if not supportive. I just don't know what to do. I just want to know that there's a chance she'll come round...
Huge hugs Hun. Do you think it was the heat of the moment and that she'll come around? Could your dad talk to her? Could you tell her living as a man makes you happy?
It gets better what i was told she's probably going through the 5 stages of grief denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptace It will get better (*hug*)
I think heat of the moment may have made her reaction worse but I still don't think it would've been positive. And she doesn't know my father knows and I think that if she knew he was accepting, it would only make her more stubborn in not wanting to accept this (they're divorced 10 years, don't speak to each other and she thinks me being trans* is a reaction to him leaving). She says it breaks her heart that I'm not happy with myself (which isn't correct, now that I've accepted I'm trans*, I've never felt more happy in myself, even though there's the discomfort caused by dysphoria, that's cause of a physical-mental mismatch not from any discontent with who I am) Thanks for the hugs :3 I am hoping it's just initial shock and the first stage of the whole grief cycle thing, but I just needed to vent a little and hopefully find people who's parents did come round after a bad first reaction. (as mentioned, all my friends parents were accepting/supportive) I honestly don't know. The village that my mother grew up and then raised myself and my siblings in is very small, very narrow-minded and there isn't even any openly gay people, nevermind anyone else from among the LGBTQIA minorities. I feel like if either of us had grown up in a slightly more accepting environment, I might have been more aware of what I was feeling and would have been able to say to her sooner and it wouldn't have been so out of the blue to her, or she'd be able to see that this isn't disastrous and that the world is far more accepting than it used to be. She is the only person who reacted badly, my GP was fantastic and I spoke to one of my college professors when I was trying to figure myself out and he was fantastic as well. She seems to think that this is so unnatural and that I'll be seen as a freak for the rest of my life. Again, I'm just continuing to rant, apologies. Thanks for the replies, it's helped just being able to get it out there!
I've never had this experience, so I don't really understand and I won't pretend I do. But I still want to try and help you Have you tried discussing with your mother as to why you think the way you do, why you want to live as a man? I'm not saying try and argue with her, just try and give her another perspective as to why you feel the way you do. Perhaps try and address her misconceptions about your situation, and emphasise that this is what makes you happy, and as a parent that is what she should want. At the very least, establish that at the age of 21 you are an independent-minded adult and so the time has come for her to treat you as an equal and respect your wishes, a kind of mutual acknowledgement if nothing else. I don't know how much of this helps or how much you've already tried but for what it's worth, those are my ideas.
Thanks, I appreciate any advice To be fair, I know I need to have another conversation with her. Her initial response was so harsh that it caught me off guard and I didn't have a chance to explain anything. For now anyway, transitioning has been postponed. I don't want to lose my family, and this is the only way I can keep them. But I feel myself slipping back into that cycle of apathy and anxiety that controlled my life before I realised who I was and I don't know how long I can deal with this again. (My anxiety was still a nightmare, but I wasn't apathetic, I was getting somewhere.) I'm still going to the GIC, which gives her time to see that this isn't a disaster, nor is it a phase, and that this is what I need. If she doesn't come round, then I'll need to make her realise that I can't put this off forever, and that I will be transitioning. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.
When do you plan on talking to her? HOw about you right her a letter? Then no matter how angry or upset she gets, it stays the same xx
I'm sorry to hear how it initially went I had a similar experience when I first came out - including death threats from relatives. It was the complete opposite of my partner at the time's family responses, so it was a shock. Things slowly got better - not perfect but better. I bought books for them to read and over time things got to good talking and communicating levels. It took some time and I knew the onus was on me to prove that things would be okay and life wasn't destroyed or ruined for all involved. I also made sure that they understood it was up to them on who close to the family would know - and when they were ready, and if we were all happy with that info being passed along, then it would. Stay strong, think positive for yourself especially.
Maybe wait a while for her to calm down then find a film that puts across how you feel and ask her to consider watching it. I remember watching quite a good documentary, I think it was British, about children with gender dysphoria and their parents. It helped me to understand a lot more about gender dysphoria anyway. Sorry, I can't remember what it was called.
Sorry to hear that it went all awry. Give it time to work itself out. Either way, be true to yourself first. Never pretend for others.
Someday, your mother will realize that there is no use of feeling awful about you being trans and when that day comes, it will get better for you.
sometimes not everyone will accept it...you have to focus on the people that are acceptign and even more those who are supportive of you.
I'm sorry to hear it went badly. I understand not wanting to lose you family but I think in the same way they don't want to lose you. I think if you write her or talk to her again with and emphasize the fact that YOUR not going to change essentially and that she still has the you she has always had. Then maybe she will feel less anxious about the whole thing.
