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Came out yesterday - 2 gay sons in the family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by IN32, May 29, 2008.

  1. IN32

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    What a journey this has been and promises yet to be. I just came out to my mother yesterday and things are very rocky right now, particularly because my parents' only other son (my younger brother) is also gay (and out). I want to share my story for two reasons - 1. To help others - I read many, many coming out stories before I actually did it so that I could brace myself for whatever was to come. 2. For selfish reasons - it's therapeutic to tell my story and I also would love to hear the opinions and advice of you fine folks.

    Disclaimer: After typing this out, I will warn you that this is long. I don't expect everyone to read it, but to those who do - thanks.

    So my story...

    I'm 25, I'm gay, and until yesterday I was out to everyone except my parents. I have a very secure and confident self image and I have no issues with my sexuality. However, my family is VERY close and I could not bear the thought of even the slightest chance that I would lose my relationship with my parents or the thought of hurting them - so I kept this information hidden from them. And, I have a gay brother. He is 21 and he came out to my parents 4 years ago. I remember getting a phone call from my mom and how shocked she was when he came out. She assured him that he was still loved, but my parents told him it was a phase and that he'd grow out of it. They have been stuck in this denial until I shattered it yesterday by telling them that I too am gay. My mom actually asked me 4 years ago if I was also gay (not because she suspected it but because she needed to cling on to the hope that at least one of her children was straight), so I couldn't drop a double bomb on my parents at that time and I said no.

    Well, now I am in a committed relationship of 3 years - my boyfriend and I live together and we have a dog. I am out to all of my friends and most of my co-workers and I have a wonderful social life with my partner included. But there is one HUGE problem - the closest people to me in my life - my parents - did not have a clue. I have gone through elaborate lengths to keep this part of my life a secret from my parents (with the help of my brother), and yet I was still able to remain close to my parents. It was like I turned a switch - I turned off a part of my life when I was around my parents. Soon I realized, though, that I was beginning to grow distant from them. In fact my parents and I had been having pretty strong arguments recently over a variety of subjects with no relation. This, I quickly realized, was due to my defense mechanisms and sense of growing distance from my parents. Additionally, all the lies and deception became extremely burdensome on myself, my partner, my brother, and those friends of mine that interacted with my parents.

    So over a cup of coffee I sat with my mom in my parents bedroom and I looked at her and started with "Mom, I know there has been some tension in our relationship recently and it is because I have been keeping something from you." At this point her eyes grew wide as she lowered the coffee cup from her lips. She had been through this before. "I have been keeping this from you because I feared what it would do to our relationship and I did not want to hurt you." Her coffee mug began to quiver. "But I'm realizing that this has caused me to put up a barrier between us and I am seeing us grow apart, so it is time I talk about this with you."

    At this point she returned with, "are you sure I am ready to hear what you are about to say?"
    To which I said, "I think our relationship needs this to be said."
    And she rambled - "Does this have to do with what your brother is? Something I think is abnormal and not natural?"
    And I - "Well I hope you don't feel that way, but yes - this is about that. I am too."

    Like ripping the fine hair off delicate skin with an overly adhesive bandage, the deed was done. I had leapt out of the closet. But I felt naked, as if I had left my clothes on their hangers behind. I had done this hundreds of times with friends and people I just met, why was this so difficult? Her next statement, next body movement, next move of the eyeball would seal the fate of our future relationship.

    Her reaction was not at all what I expected, or one of the possibilities for which I had prepared. See, my mother is a very analytical person and likes to discuss everything. I had a prepared a long explanation about everything and I had brought reading materials including the most recent scientific literature. My weaponry of reason and science was brimming with the best stuff out there.

    "Well, I love you and nothing could ever change that. My love for you is unconditional. But I just cannot deal with this right now. How could this be happening?? I do not want to get into it, I do not want to talk about it. Please spare your mother right now."

    And with that fatal statement, I was completely disarmed. She didn't want to read any of my materials, she didn't want to hear about my personal journey, she didn't want to know what was currently going on in my romantic life. I am a man of many words (as you can tell by the length of this story), but there I sat silent - I knew not what to say.

    Mom broke the silence with, "I am so confused and shocked, I am numb." In the discussion that ensued, my mom reassured me over and over again that she loves me but she does not know if she could accept this. She was hurt, she was in pain. I wanted to take it all back, to lift that pain, to get down on my knees and say mom I love you and I'll do whatever you say. But I held firm. She wanted to know why, but then she said she didn't want to get into it. She tried to recall any gays in the family but couldn't. She scrutinized the bachelors on my father's side. She said it wasn't in her genes. She said that perhaps in time she could get closer to accepting it, maybe in 10 years, but not now. She was afraid that her social circle and our extended family would find out, and she pleaded with to "keep this in the [immediate] family." She said her dreams of having grandchildren and a daughter in-law as the daughter she never had were destroyed. She ended by saying that she wants everything to return to normal for now, and she will deal with this when she is ready. I sadly complied. I kept my brother posted of all the events over the phone (he is currently living at college 40 minutes away, and I am visiting my parents for this entire month).That night we gardened together, cooked dinner together, and watched a movie with my dad together as if nothing had happened. Now it was my turn to be shocked - awed at how strong and suffocating denial can be.

    The next morning (this morning) my mom knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I was awake - she wanted to chat. She still did not want to get into a discussion of homosexuality or my experiences, but she told me that she was awake all night thinking about it. She asked me not to "act" on anything for the next few years. She said that she will hold on to "fate." Then followed several examples of her friends' children who everyone thought were destined to remain unmarried, but suddenly married at age 35 or beyond. This is what she would hold on to - that "fate" would have the same in store for me. I said to her - so you would have me be single until age 35, and when I don't end up with a woman, then I am free to do as my nature demands? When I verbalized her request, even she in her state of denial saw its preposterous character. She mildly retracted and said "no, but you are young and don't need to get involved in anything now." To which I replied - I want to have a family and children, if I shun the romantic part of my life I may end up old and alone. She repeated that I am still young and don't need to "act" on anything now.

    Later in the day she phoned me from her office to chat again. She was suffering. She was sad, detached from reality. She felt like crying. I tried to comfort her. I told her that I am there for her and she can ask me anything. I told her this part of the process is not about me, it is about her. She thanked me for that. Unfortunately she continued to tell me that she does not want to hear about my romantic life. She said she is fragile and she cannot deal with the materialized thought of me with another man. She said she found it disgusting. I volleyed with "I'm sorry you find me disgusting" to which she replied, "no, it's not you who are disgusting, it's the thought of 2 men together." She then told me definitively not to bring any boyfriend home. She doesn't want to know if I am dating, she said she does not want to be a part of that. She said perhaps in time she will be ready, but not now. "It may take me a month, it may take me years. I just don't know." To which I replied, I can accept that but please know that if this is how it will be for a long time, then you will be slowly pushing me away. She said she would keep that in mind.

    And that is where we are now. Things were awkward at dinner today. She tried to have some short conversations about nothings with me, but it was strained. She made much less eye contact with me. She watched tv with me for an hour after dinner, we talked too - but less than we normally do.

    My dad does not know yet, although I am sure he is sensing there is something amiss between my mother and me. My mom tells me she can't bear to tell my dad right now because she still remembers the devastated look on his face when she shared the news about my brother with him 4 years ago. On the other hand, my brother tells me that my dad has been very supportive of him - even telling him to live how his nature directs and not to listen to anyone. I don't know who to believe in regards to how my dad did and will react to gay sons. I'm sure my mom and brother are both telling the truth - but through the filters of their own lenses. I do remember that on the night my brother came out, I asked my dad how he felt and his response was - "everyone will live their life the way they live their life." I will give my mom a week to tell my dad, otherwise I will tell him.

    This is where I am at now in the story. If you have read this far, thank you for sharing this experience with me. I hope I am doing this correctly. My mother seems to be following the Kubler Ross stages of grieving and I am trying my hardest to be patient. I love my parents more than anything in the world, and this has been ripping me apart. I would love to hear any advice or further guidance. I hope that one day soon I will be able to share the joy and love of my partner with my parents.
     
  2. otc877

    otc877 Guest

    Firstly, welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    Secondly, thank you for sharing.

    You were right, it was a long one, but it was worth the read. I think your mom is progressing well, a day after you came out to somebody who doesn't want to talk about it, is calling you and... talking about it.

    She needs time, but don't let her completely push it out of her mind. Gently remind her and talk to her about it in a comfortable (or as comfortable as you can) manner. You said that she's analytical and likes to discuss everything, appeal to that. Spark discussions. Appeal to her reason, but stay level headed. Point out logical fallacies, like the ones you've already pointed out (Lonely until 35.)

    Keep clarifying what she is saying or implying to you, like when she inadvertently called you disgusting. It seems to be having an effect on her. Invade her comfort zone a bit, but respect it enough to keep her calm.

    I don't know how valid any of my advice is, mainly because I'm not out to my parents. But, good luck with your mom and keep us posted about your dad :slight_smile:

    Regards,
    OTC
     
  3. Nicvcer

    Nicvcer Guest

    Thanks for the story!
     
  4. Bromptonrocks

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    Welcome to EC. Lots of good advice and help for lots of people. Thanks.
     
  5. JSG

    JSG Guest

    That was a great read, thanks a lot for posting it.
    I hope your mother accepts your sexuality soon, the longer she takes to accept it, the more distant your relationship with her will be, she shouldn't waste what she has with you.
    I also hope everything goes well with your father and maybe he'll help her accept it.
    Oh, and welcome to EC !! :grin:
     
  6. beckyg

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    IN32.....first I want to give you a big hug and welcome to EC! (*hug*)

    I'm glad you've read about the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. You at least understand what your mom is going through. Is there a PFLAG chapter in your area? Could you get your mom to attend? It might help her to talk to other parents. I would be happy to talk to her here on the computer too if she would be willing to do that. She may need some time to digest everything though. However if your brother has been out for four years, she's not moving very fast!

    By the way, the Executive Director of PFLAG National is Jody Huckaby. He and his family have been featured on Oprah. He is one of eight children. Four of them are gay. All boys.

    Hang in there and just keep talking to her. Be honest about how you feel. Don't keep any more secrets from her. I would suggest that you DO tell her about your current and very STABLE relationship that you are in. (*hug*)
     
  7. Tim

    Tim
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    Something I noticed in there - You mentioned she was sad because she lost all hope of a granddaughter, as she never had a daughter... Do you intend to adopt, or your brother? If so, why don't you mention that to her?

    Although it might shock her a bit more, I agree with becky, it'd be better to tell her you're in a stable relationship now rather then in the future, when she accepts you're gay, but can't take the idea of you being with a guy or something...
     
  8. IN32

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    Thanks for the responses and the warm welcome. :slight_smile:

    It's really hard to use reason with my mom right now. When I offered to give her a book to read ("Beyond Acceptance" Griffin, Worth, & Worth) she exclaimed she doesn't want it in the house. I think I'll offer her the book again in a week or so when she has hopefully calmed down.

    Over the years my mom has sent a lot of conflicting messages about homosexuality - but I think the overall theme has been "I don't have a problem with it as long as it's not in my family." At one point in my coming out discussion she even said, "I know it's not something to be ashamed of, but..." She has to go through cultural diversity training at her work periodically, and the latest session (about a month ago) was on homosexuality. She even discussed it with me that night. She was touched by the story of Harvey Milk (one of the first openly gay politicians), and I almost came out to her then because she was so touched by the gay plight. Where did that go?

    OTC - I think you gave some great advice. Hopefully when she calms down a bit, I can indeed appeal to her reason.

    Myzou - I did let my mom know that I really want to have children (either by adoption or surrogacy), and therefore she would have grandchildren. She replied that she also wishes that I have a family but she doesn't know what that means in "your new paradigm." And she didn't want to talk about what it means.

    Becky - every time I hear from a mom with gay children who are at your level of understanding (particularly PFLAG parents) I tear up and just want to hug them. I can only hope that my parents will get to your level of understanding someday in the future. Unfortunately, I don't think my mom is ready to talk to anyone. I don't know if she ever will be. Her mentality has always been to keep family "problems" as private as possible. She is suspicious of therapists, psychiatrists, councilors, or anyone who threatens to "meddle" with the family dynamic. So as much as I would love for her to talk to other parents about this, I just don't see that happening.

    As for telling her now about my boyfriend, I just don't know. I was hoping she would ask if I was seeing anyone (this was her first question to my brother), but she was obviously avoiding the question with me. She would come close to asking, and then back off. She made it clear to me that she just didn't want to hear about my romantic life - she even said -"you can do what you want, but I just don't want to know about that part of your life right now. I'm not ready to handle it, I would break." I suspect that she senses that I am with someone. She said she needs to come to an acceptance of me being gay before she even thinks about my romantic life. That's when she said "it might take me a month, it might take me years before I'm ready to hear about it."

    So I guess I'll just wait and see. It has only been 2 days so far. Things are a bit awkward between us right now, and I don't think that can last. At some point something will be said to break the awkwardness. Hopefully it will be a transition into an open discussion.

    I had no idea about the PFLAG national director - wow. Northwestern University is doing some great research on gay siblings, I can't wait to see what they produce.
     
  9. sexyalex

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    WOW

    like....wow.....

    well HI, my name is Alex and hope u feel at ease and at home within our little EC family.:slight_smile:

    I MUST commend your story. well written, well structred, everything flowed and it was like one of the best comming out stories yet. I liked it personally and if i was suppose to be a language teacher, i would grade this narative essay 100%. well of course it isn't an essay but....
    you would be a good novelist.

    anyways. devastating...the story lines and all, plot: 2 gay brothers and mother is in 7 stages of grief. :lol: I mean, i am planning on outing myself to my parents too i mean no matter how homophobic they are i can't take it anymore! luckly for me i am single, unattractive and unavailable so my parents will beleive there is hope for me with some chick out there. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: In addition, i think my brother is gay and in a relationship...straight acting but i can see beyond that...i don't know what my dad would do if he outed first then i did....probebly slawter us both!

    However, you...you just kept it real and, your good... well, you mom dosn't seem to be the violent, disowning type. She just seems like the type to place blames; and that's a good thing! because as long as she stays that way there is hopes of she accepting your love life. And another thing, i must commend you for, is your composure and maturity of the situation...i mean i would have already blown up in steams and maybe...MAYBE, thrown allot of attitude to my mother but you...your a good son; and a good brother.

    :thumbsup:

    Alex.
     
  10. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    IN32... I am just speechless... you are a srong man, and you will know to deal with this the best. The reason your mother reacted sightly different is because *you* were her hope for direct grandchildren (not adopted - you understand) and she will have a hard time. your love and your time is the only thing that will be helpful.

    I got tears in my eyes when I read your story. I wish I could be as strong as you are.
    -Jean
     
  11. Sam

    Sam
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    Welcome to EC!

    I'd say to just give her time. I'm sure her reaction was the same when your brother came out but she still had that hope of you giving her what your brother couldn't and those thoughts kept her going and more able to accept your brother but now you have told her that the dreams she had of the wife and 2.5 children isn't going to happen with you either and that is hard to accept.

    She says she loves you unconditionally and there is no doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth. Just give her time to process all of it and if I were you I wouldn't mention it for a week or two. I do think you should tell your dad soon though, maybe he can give her some extra support. I have a feeling your dad is one of those parents (like my dad) who is upset about it but puts up a front because he knows you are happy and that is all he wants is for you to be happy so he tries to show that he is ok with it even if inside he is not. This is probably the reason for the mixed messages about how he reacted to your brothers coming out, he wanted to spare your brother's feelings.

    Also I would give her plenty of time until you mention you have a boyfriend in fact I would wait until she has started talking about it more easily.

    Good luck
    Sam
     
  12. Jim1454

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    Wow indeed! That's quite a story. You've already sacrificed so much by keeping this a secret for so many years. It was about time that you were able to live your life openly and honestly with your parents. Congratulations for coming out to your mom the way you did.

    She is certainly in shock, and will need time to get over this. My parents, even though they suspected, still had a hard time with my news. I don't think they had contemplated what it meant for me to be gay, so weren't really sure what to make of it when I told them. And they went 3 months without asking if I was seeing anyone - I finally had to tell them. That might be your fate as well. Because just like your orientation is a part of you, your partner is also a part of you, and you are entitled to be able to share that with your family and friends.

    Welcome to EC. I hope you find this site as supportive and helpful as I have.
     
  13. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    Welcome to EC! Although I'm sorry you're having to come here under such difficult circumstances.

    I'm glad you eventually managed to come out to your mum, as now the process of her dealing with everything can begin. It actually sounds as though she never really came to terms with your brother coming out to her, except in such a way which involved her focussing her hopes on you - and now that you've also come out to her, she has to come up with a whole new way of dealing with the issue. Really, it is as though she is at square one, as her previous method of "coping" - to focus her hopes upon you - is clearly not going to work anymore. And not only is she at square one, but in a way because of this, it is like a double whammy, so unfortunately, as you know, it could take some time.

    This may sound like a very odd thing to say, but I think it is a little relevant here: without going into too much detail, I got a very bad reaction from a relative of mine when I came out to her, and months later it emerged that the reason for this was that there was another relative we had in common who was also bisexual, but she had never dealt with this. She *knew* about this other relative, and was obviously confronted with it, and I'm talking about for years, but never *dealt* with it. Thus, as she told me months later, the reason she reacted so badly and just couldn't cope was because I brought home to her the fact not only of my own sexuality, but that of our other relative, which she had never properly dealt with. It brought up the unresolved issues she had previously, making her reaction worse.

    I say this because it sounds to me as though your mum hasn't really ever dealt with your brother's sexuality either, and that her reaction may be because she is in a way dealing with both of you. But also because my story has a happy ending, which ends in acceptance, and I hope that this gives you hope that yours may also one day end happily too :slight_smile:.

    I don't really have any advice as such, except that I would come out to your dad, and that you're obviously going to have to allow your mum some time. But I'm really sorry that it's not going too well, even though I'm really glad your mum has taken the effort to make clear that she still loves you and everything. But I hope that things do get better with time. (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
    #13 ccdd, May 29, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: May 29, 2008
  14. beckyg

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    Those are good points ccdd. The second coming out is pushing her out of denial from the first coming out. The reason she's feeling all these emotions again is because she's hid them and denied them for so long. Now she's forced to deal with it again. There isn't going to be any shoving them in the corner again. She might just lose both of her sons and if she really does love you both unconditionally, she better start practicing what she preaches.
     
  15. Mirko

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    Hi N32! Welcome to EC and thank you for sharing your story with us. As said above, it is quite a story. I am glad that you could finally talk to your mom about your sexuality. As it was suggested above, she will need time to come to terms with it. But I'm sure that with time she will come around.

    Reading your story I was struck by some of the things that you mentioned. In fact, these are the same things/issues that I have been thinking about lately. I'm not out to my parents nor to my sister but as I'm becoming increasingly comfortable with my sexuality, I'm beginning to think more about how to come out to my parents. I'm very close to my parents as well although lately when I talk with them on the phone I'm beginning to realize that I'm drifting away a little bit. Ever since I began the process of coming out, I started felling differently towards them and indeed even defensive. It could very well be a result of becoming more conscious about hiding the truth and a part of me from my parents. Some of the responses that your mom gave you are some of the responses I can hear my parents telling me and talking to me about (should they want to talk about it).

    There is not one visit that goes by where my mom does not ask me when will you get married? And I know why she is asking me this - she wants grand children. I mean which mother does not. It is one of the greatest expectations of our times. All my cousins are either married and have already kids or are in a committed relationship. At times I can feel her desire to be able to tell to my aunts and grandmother that yes he has finally married and there are going to be grand children. But knowing that makes it very difficult for me. I know when I finally tell her that I'm gay I will shatter her dreams that she had for so long now. Although I think I could make the argument that "well there is always my sister so there is still a chance that you will have grand kids" I know that I still have taken something away from her.

    I know that if and when I tell them they will not believe me because they think that they know their only son in and out. I know that it will be painful for them and I'm not sure if I could deal with it. Knowing my mom, she would also worry about what would her friends, neighbors and importantly the extend family say if they would find out. I'm certain that like your mom, my mom would also want to keep it between us. Most likely it is something that she would never be able to tell to any of my aunts, uncles or grandmother.

    At the same time, and like your mom, my mom (and dad for that matter) will take a while to come around to it, just because of their own upbringing and ideas about homosexuality. They are not homophobic but from the few conversations I had with my parents about homosexuality I know that they are not too comfortable with it. It is just the way they see the world and I respect that.

    So, thank you for sharing your story. I can already see quite a few similarities and situations. It certainly is helping me to think about it some more and maybe even how I should go about it.

    I have learned that time is a great healer. Give her all the time that she needs. If she doesn't want to read the material just now, maybe in a few weeks or months she will be able to. With respect to coming out to your dad, and knowing that it was also difficult for him when your brother came out, again take your time. Maybe it would be good if you wait until you know that your mom has come around somewhat so that maybe (if it is easier) that you can tell it to him with her. I do hope that your mom will come around and that the awkwardness that exists right now will pass soon. Cheers.
     
  16. Cheese Love

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    Wow, first, I appreciate your courage and maturity about this.
    For anybody in that situation, it would be very easy to fly off the handle and be angry with their mother for not accepting it, but I'm very surprised at the amount of compassion you've given her. I think you went about it perfectly, especially regarding your partner.
    Personally, I would have loved to say it in a moment of anger- especially if my mother told me not to date.

    I sincerely hope your mom will eventually be ready to accept it, talk about it, and embrace you and your partner.. And once again, good job!