My story so far (sorry: very long!)

Hey!

So, I promised myself that as soon as I got my new laptop I'd sit down and write out my experiences, from "coming out to myself", to coming out to the few awesome people that I trust enough to confide in. Well, it's not quite "as soon as", more "a couple of weeks later" but I'm going to try and do this now I apologise in advance for how long this will probably end up being :bang:

I guess I've always known I wasn't straight, but it's taken many many many years for me to get to the point where I actually "knew" it and a bit longer before I accepted it.

About a year ago now, I turned up to work and immediately noticed a new guy had started. Nothing too unusual, except that I was *instantly* drawn to him. Once my shift started I deliberately went out of my way to make sure I was working with him. At this point, even after going to all the effort to make sure I was with/near him, I still hadn't acknowledged that I wasn't straight. Weird huh? Denial is a funny thing!

He's a great guy: funny, intelligent, witty, and as it turned out we had quite a lot in common. Oh, not to mention his cute boyishly-handsome smile - yeah, I wanted him bad Anyway.. Getting off track a bit. We became friends and hung out a bit, and I fell for him. I guess you all know what it's like so I won't go into too much detail, but I'd say that the feelings I had for him were more powerful than anything I've felt for anyone before. Ever. Too bad he's straight

One night as we were cleaning up before the end of our shift, and were both on our hands and knees picking up some of our mess on the floor. We were fairly close, and happened to look up at each other at the exact same time, just a slight lingering gaze then a grin as we both got up and ready to leave. During the gaze it hit me, I was overcome with the desire to pull him into my arms and kiss him. It was at that moment I *finally* acknowledged that I wasn't straight, but I wasn't happy about it.

The next couple of months weren't fun. I went through a bit of a tug-of-war with myself, going between acceptance and trying to rationalise what I felt as being something else. I could go on and on in vivid detail, but this is already getting longer than I imagined it so I'll rush it along.. Eventually, N (lets call him that) got a much more interesting job and left our workplace. We still hung out occasionally, but grew more distant with every week. It hurt a lot, but it turns out that "time heals all wounds" isn't entirely obsurd, and I survived Well, N ended up getting promoted in his job, and is now working in another country!

Not too long after N left Aus, well, I'm not even too sure what happened exactly. One day I more-or-less woke up and accepted myself completely, I could look in the mirror and say "I like guys" and noticed that I'd started allowing myself to check guys out as I walked through town etc. I felt much happier with myself than I had in many many years, life was good, I started to want to tell people.

I took T for a driving lesson the day before she went for her P's. After we'd driven for a while we stopped for lunch, and talked for a couple of hours. I tried to tell her many times, but couldn't bring myself to do it. We walked back to the car and got into it. Just as she was about to start the car I asked her to stop for a bit because I didn't want her to crash over what I wanted to tell her. She gave me an odd look but complied. I gave a bit of a nervous grin and stated bluntly "I'm not straight". I had to repeat myself, and follow with "I like guys" to break her silence, she was a bit shocked But, she said how that's nothing to be ashamed about and that she's glad I trust her enough to tell her. Hehe, T mentioned a couple of weeks later that she can't help but smile now whenever he mum asks "Why don't you and Ben get together?"

I'd originally planned to tell S first. But she got fairly sick and ended up in hospital for a week or so, so I didn't want to potentially give her more problems to worry about. But, we went swimming together after she was out of hospital as we usually do, and as we were sitting in the spa chatting afterwards I told her. S also seemed rather shocked, but took it very well. We discussed how I felt a bit and she also confessed a slight interest in one of her female friends We've had many great conversations since.

The third, and most recent person I've told is H. Last night a group of us from work went out to a farewell for another one of our work friends. One of the guys (A) that were there was openly gay, and I'd kinda hoped that he'd pick up on me not being straight, but he didn't seem to.. Anyway, we all left the pub we'd been at and were heading to the next venue. A and one of his friends left the group at this point to go to a gay club, I really wanted to follow, but stayed with the group..

After a little while more, H, S and I all left and were just walking through town talking. I was wandering along thinking about how stupid I was for not going to the gay club, and chuckled to myself. H asked what I was laughing at and I just said "hehe, nothing, just thinking". H and S both stopped and probed into what I was laughing at. After being a bit evasive I sort-of shrugged a bit, and said to H "OK, I'm queer" (I really love that word for some reason!). She was very confused at first, completely missing that queer==gay. She eventually understood, and was great about it. We talked about guys a bit, and S accidently mentioned to H about how I had a major thing for N at one stage.. All in all, it was a great night

So, there's my story so far. All 3 people that know I'm gay/bi/whatever have been amazing, I couldn't wish for better friends. I'm still not out to my family, or the rest of my friends and coworkers. There's a couple of people (my Dad, and best friend for starters) that I suspect will react badly. But, I'll jump off those bridges when I'm ready

 

Thanks for reading guys

I'm curious darkestnight, can you elaborate on your "different type of crush"? Perhaps you already have somewhere and I've missed the post :bang:

Alexander, good to hear I'm not the only one!