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coming out do over

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by sldanlm, Dec 1, 2013.

  1. sldanlm

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I had my first same sex experience when I was 15. Although I dated guys in High School,
    I knew firmly by the time I graduated that I was a lesbian. I stayed in the closest though
    out of fear. Five years ago at Thanksgiving I was forced to come out to my parents and
    immediate family. Fortunately I was 22 and had been living on my own. To say things didn't go well would be a big understatement. My mother didn't slap me, but she looked like she wanted to. She did everything else though, including telling me I was no longer her daughter. My father wasn't insane about it, but not accepting either. He said I couldn't be a lesbian because I was too pretty to be one. The things he said in my defense to my mother were all of the typical things you hear from some straight people, you're just confused, you haven't met the right guy yet, she's not serious, she's just rebelling, asserting her independence, she picked up the wrong liberal messages from that college up north, etc. I thought things would blow over by Christmas, but my mother actually got worse. So I basically gave up, and only occasionally made the 800 mile trip to see my brother and sister. I would mail Christmas and Birthday cards, but didn't get anything in return.

    Recently I got a call from my parents asking me to come down on the weekend after
    Thanksgiving. No one else would be there. My mother wanted to see me again, and now
    considers me her daughter again. My father offered to pay for the plane tickets. I agreed
    to come down mainly at his request, and also to have an opportunity to see by brother and sisters family again, without that long drive. When I told my Dad that I'd come down, he said he would pick me up at the airport. when I told him that he didn't need to do that, he said I didn't need to waste the money. I told him don't worry about it, it was my money, and that he was buying the tickets, renting a car was the least I could do. The real reason was I didn't want to be stuck there if things got ugly. My brother and sister both said if things get too heated, I should come stay with them.

    I was a little nervous getting on the plane, but I got seated next to this really nice
    woman. She had seen me with a group of friends at a popular lesbian establishment where I live. We hit it off right away, and talked the whole way down. Although I told her I was seeing someone, we exchanged numbers anyway, just to stay in touch. She is definitely someone I could consider hooking up with if I wasn't already in a relationship.

    When I arrived at the airport, my Dad was there to greet me. I felt a little angry at
    first, but he explained that he just wanted to have a talk with me beforehand. It was the
    first time I'd been able to hug my Dad in years. He basically asked for patience and
    understanding when dealing with my mother, that although she was on some new meds for her, that there might still be issues. He asked me to be understanding, and try to ignore her if she says something hateful.

    When I first came out, my Dad said that Mom went to their local pastor, who was a very hard liner on LGBT issues, real fire and brimstone, and he told my mother that she was doing the right thing. Stick to your guns for the sake of your daughters soul, etc, since she won't voluntarily come to Jesus. (tough love?) This pastor got embrolled in some kind of scandal and had to resign. The guy that took his place is supposedly a kinder gentler pastor, and told my Mom that she was wrong for disowning me. He said that despite my sinful lifestyle that parents are still supposed to love their children, the old "hate the sin but love the sinner" that my Dad tried to tell her 5 yrs. ago. This didn't bother me too much, because I'd given up on acceptance a long time ago, and was just hoping for civility. That, and to not be accused of possibly also having a desire to molest little girls simply because I was attracted to adult women. Then my Dad dropped a bombshell on me.

    Apparently my Mother had done the same thing to this new preacher that she did to my brother and sister. She implied that I was the one who wanted to come home, and reconcile. She had invited this guy over to the house, allegedly to help her in behaving like a good Christian I guess, and he agreed. Before my Dad left the house, he informed this guy what the truth was, and suggested that it would be better if he wasn't there when we got there. I told my Dad that if things get too uncomfortable I was leaving, and he understood.

    When we got there, this preacher was still there. My mother hugged me, and it felt
    weird, not like years ago before I came out. It was probably me, but it seemed like a
    stranger hugging me, does that make sense? The preacher smiled and shook my hand, and basically sat next to my Mom, not saying anything. My Dad sat next to me. I asked what he was doing here, and my Mom said he was there help me with being a lesbian. I told her I didn't need help with that, I could find dates on my own. He laughed, but my Mom didn't. He then said he was just there for spiritual support for my Mother. He wasn't going to preach to me, but he did admit he gave my Mom some literature on what the church and the bible specifically says about gays and lesbians. My Mom said she was sorry if she said anything years ago that hurt me, like disowning me. She admitted she overreacted, and admitted that she shouldn't have have tried to pressure me into marriage and having children. I asked her if she was sorry that she implied that I was a child molester, and she claimed that she didn't know what I was talking about. I reminded her of what she said to my sister 5 yrs. ago. Even the preacher said that was over the line, and not true at all. (like I needed him to tell me that) My Mother said she was sorry if she said that.

    I was a little leery when the preacher wanted to say a prayer, but I said okay. It was
    basically a prayer about helping the family to reconcile, nothing about me or sin
    specifically.

    After he left, My Mom asked me about being in a family picture, if she could get my
    brother and sister to come over. They weren't able to find the time this weekend, and I
    knew why. My brother and sister had told me that they didn't feel right being in one if I
    was excluded. I told her maybe over Christmas, if things went okay over the weekend.

    I browsed over the literature the preacher gave my Mom. It looked like he got it over
    the internet, it had a website at the bottom. I learned things I never learned before. I
    figured being a lesbian would be considered a sin, but I never knew it was worse than being a gay male. Something about how men like sex more than women, according to the author, and are more prone to deviancy, so when a woman has "unnatural relations with women", then things are really bad for society.

    Over the weekend, I went to see my brother's and sisters family, which made the whole trip worthwhile. I even went to a beach on the Gulf. Although it was much warmer than home, it was too cold to swim, but I didn't care. I just like walking on the beach and looking at the Gulf waters. It helps me deal with the crap. It would've been better if the person I love could've been walking with me, but I was the one who chose to go it alone.

    When I left sunday morning, my Mother gave me a good bye hug, and something to take home with me. It was a book called "Coming Out of Homosexuality". I don't know whether to read part of it for amusement sake, or use it for some more important purpose, like leveling a frig or a cabinet. Perhaps it's in the book, but the main thing I'm having trouble figuring out is I know what my Mom's problem is, (mental illness) but I don't know what the excuse is for most organized religions homophobia.
     
  2. oneday004

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    fundy bullshit..... id have little to do with a mother like that
     
  3. TimK

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Out to everyone
    This must be really difficult for you. At least you can enjoy your relationship with your brother and sister. I hope that one day things will get better with your mum.
     
  4. sldanlm

    Full Member

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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes it is. I didn't have much to do with her last weekend. I used the opportunity to spend some time with other people. I'm only trying to deal with her because my Dad asked for understanding. It's tough dealing with a family member with a mental illness. It's made even harder when that family members religion is feeding the flames.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2013 at 10:12 AM ----------

    Thanks. At least it wasn't as difficult this time around as the last time. I don't know much about mental health issues, hopefully this medication she's on will at least keep her calmed down. I doubt she'll ever be accepting of me, particulary when her religion is telling her I'm going to burn in hell forever when I die. At least my Mom has an excuse for her homophobia, unlike her fundy church.

    At least she isn't on me about being a grandbaby machine, thanks to my brother and sister. The hard part is trying to decide what to do about Christmas.
     
  5. mermaid

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    This must be hard to deal with, especially when it's a parent. You are strong and dealing. this very well!
    Lots of hugs!