Was going to post this yesterday, but I didn't have time. About 8-9 years ago, when I was in the seventh grade, I first began to question my sexuality. I wasn't entirely sure what I was, but I knew I definitely wasn't straight. My middle (and high) school crushes had been both boys and girls. After a few years of doubting, I had reached a conclusion and said to myself something like, "It doesn't matter to me what gender the person I fall in love with is, if I love them, I love them." I thought that meant I was possibly bisexual, but I don't think I ever identified myself as that. Then I discovered pansexuality. Don't remember exactly how I came across it. If I remember correctly, I was reading song interpretations, and someone said that "Girls & Boys" by Blur had something to do with pansexuality. Looking it up, seeing the definition of "attraction regardless of gender", it felt so perfect to me. That was probably one of the happiest days of my life: putting a name to how I felt inside. It felt like I had an identity. I remained closeted through high school, which I really regret. The one thing I wish I could've changed about this story was to come out sooner. In 2011, about a week after my nineteenth birthday, I was hanging out with some friends. We were drinking, playing cards, jamming to music, all that fun stuff. Sometime during the night, I get a text from the guy sitting next to me (who was openly gay). I wasn't sure why he was texting me when he was sitting right there, but whatever, I responded. We kept talking back and forth, and I figured what he was trying to get at, but he was really shy about it and kept beating around the bush. Eventually, he sent the words: "I like you." and invited me down to his room. So I had a choice: do I accept his invitation and potentially expose my true self to everyone, or do I reject him and stay closeted? It's probably pretty obvious which one I chose. A combination of the alcohol and me secretly liking him back gave me the courage to step down to his bedroom. He locked the door, and immediately began making out with me. It was heavenly. I won't go into detail other than that lead to us performing oral on each other. During that time, everyone else was wondering where I disappeared to. They looked everywhere and figured the only place I could be was in his bedroom. I'm sure they easily figured out what that meant: two pretty drunk guys, one of whom is confirmed gay, alone in a bedroom with the door locked. Not much conclusions to jump to. Word spread quickly of what happened, so I revealed to everyone that I was pansexual. After that, I didn't have to lie anymore. Oh, and nothing became of our relationship. The next day, he told me that it would be awkward if we dated, so we just stayed friends. Of course, it was super awkward between us for a while there. And I was really sad about getting rejected, but I eventually got over it. At least one good thing came out of it!
