My bad coming out story....and re-coming out recently

This is my first post. Iv had this on my chest for a few years now and I hope this is the best place to talk about it and get advice as I have been very depressed about it. I am nearly 23 and from a white, non religious middle class family in a conservative english market town. This is about how i came out a while ago, and then again recently. Im sorry for the long read.

I first tried coming out as bi to my close friends when I was 17, having been worrying about it for years. We had had this tight-nit friends group for over 5 years so I assumed it would be fine. I didnt know how to bring it up so I discreetly changed my Myspace status to bi, and then when they asked I told them. Immediately they all stopped talking to me and suddenly I had no friends. They told other people and soon the whole of my sixth form knew and I had a miserable two years of A-levels. There were no other gay or bi people there, I would face barrages of negative comments every day, I was excluded from all social gatherings and parties and of course no girl would go out with me.

The problems with my parents started a few months later. I had tried to hide it from them as I assumed they would not take it well and i especially didnt want my Dad to find out. To this extent, I had tried to organize dates/hookups only with guys who lived at least 1 county away so that noone I knew might see me whilst I lied and said I was going shopping in the nearest city. One day I came home and my parents confronted me and told me they had read my diary (my Mum told my Dad having smashed the lock on my drawer, she gets angry at things being private) and knew everything Id been doing. It quickly became very violent and aggressive. My Mum told me I was sick and perverted, that she wished Id never been born and that I was no son of theirs anymore. They said that gay sex was wrong, immoral and the penetration could kill you (!!!) I was also called a pedophile (I should point out the other guys were 16-18), a freak, a whore and other horrible names over the next 2 years. I was reguarly punched, slapped, had my hair pulled (it was long then) spat on, kicked on the floor and had boiling coffee poured over me. I was also grounded forever, had the internet removed from the house and my phone locked away. My Mum would also start retching whenever she saw me, months later she ripped up the Mothers Day card I bought her and threw the chocolates I got her in the bin (I later got them out and ate them) and told me I was no son of hers. She also told me not to go near any food, drink or cooking equipment in the house because "you must have AIDS".

I became very depressed after this and started self harming, drinking heavily, smoking and taking drugs with some punk rockers I had met (I used to climb out of my bedroom window and jump off the bay window roof in the night when my parents had gone to bed, and go out to rock shows or to play at open mics).

A year later and I had started going out with a girl, but my Mum still acted the same way and said that "she must be just as sick as you if she is dating you", and eventually I was banned from the house and lived at the girls house for some time. Eventually I somehow managed to pass my A levels and get to Uni, so I have not been home that much since, although when I have, it has still been brought up and things have still been violent and tense. However, I have tried to suppress all memories and feelings of the past, although both have made me very depressed and lonely at Uni and I have been failing the last few years because of it, and I suppose because of the lack of love at home.

I recently came out again, starting last summer. I had since been dating another girl for 18 months. Her brother was gay, she had told me before she was bicurious some time ago and she was always going on about how it was fine and how she supported it all. I told her my history that I had kept a secret and she went crazy and went back on all she had said and said it was sick and wrong and how "now Im going to have to get tested" despite the fact that I knew I was clean, and it had been 4 years since I was last with a guy. I broke up with her because of her reaction.

When I got home (she lived on the other side of the country) one of my best and closest friends came out to me that he was bi and he was worried about it, so I told him "dont worry I am too :lol: " and tried to advise him on what not to do from my experience. We ended up having infrequent sexual relations over the next few months. He came out to our friend group and his parents and they were all fine and really supportive of him - but this made me really angry - because of how it easy it was for him compared to me. I started hating him for it and drifted away emotionally and physically from him because of it.

Later on though, I came out to our friend group too and they were all really supportive of me and accepting, which felt so alien to me. Currently the only people who know are 4 of my friends from Uni, 1 friend from back home and my psychologist. Back home though, things are still tense. My Dad is still very distant from me, whilst my Mum is still very aggressive and will say things in arguments like "well you know the kind of person YOU are" and still tells me I am not her son. A few months ago she was watching the news on the gay marriage bill and she started retching on the sofa. Another time I tried to tackle the problem with my sexuality again and she reacted the same way as before, only this time when she slapped me and spat in my face I hit her and she flew into a table....which I regret a lot as Im not a violent person, but she hasnt been violent towards me since.

These memories still haunt me today, which is why Iv felt the need to post about them. Despite the support from my Uni friends, Im still very depressed and alienated and alone. Iv found myself failing Uni again, losing track of reality and in a downward spiral, and i dont know how to react. Some advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

 

Thankyou for your advice, I will try writing out those letter prompts today I have talked about it a bit with my psychologist but he doesnt really help that much, he just says "hmmm I see...", writes it down and scratches his chin a bit.

 

I cant really find another, I just use the one at the University health service - and my bank is too empty to go private. Tbh Im worried I may be having a detrimental effect on him as after every session he always looks very tired and depressed himself :eusa_doh:

He does make it easier to talk about, but only in the sessions, there is never anything covered to help long term.