I came out last night.

Hello all,

Well, as the title says, I came out last night to my group of friends that I've known since childhood. It wasn't a calculated move, just something I felt had to be done due to the circumstances. One of these close childhood friends was "caught" a few weeks ago in photos that clearly showed he was gay. Only me and a few others were aware of it. To make a long story short, the alcohol was flowing last night and so were people's mouthes. When it was him, me, and another friend in the room, that other friend basically asked him what he's been hiding and eventually confided to us that he was gay.

This friend then turned to me jokingly and said "OK, what's next. I hope you're not gay". I literally just couldn't deny it anymore and confided in her and him that I was also. I couldn't sit there and have an honest conversation with my 2 friends without doing it. He was being so incredibly brave and it sort of gave me the courage to do the same. Apparently we were not being discrete and the next room heard our entire conversation...

So they came in and I divulged that information to them as well. They were all extremely supportive and told me they were waiting for me to tell them when I was ready, although to be honest, I feel like I wasn't ready..I just couldn't go forward in good conscience without doing it.

Although I'm happy that I shared this with them, I'm still very anxious about the entire situation. It couldn't have gone any better, yet I still have an uncomfortable feeling about it, like I just did something that is now beyond my control. I suppose I feel this way because of the great lengths I went to for years and years at containing it. What stopped me from telling them earlier wasn't the fact that I was scared they would judge me, because they're just not a group of people like that, but I was ashamed that I deceived them and lied to them for so long. Some have even defended me when other people have questioned it.

What I am happy about at the moment is that moving forward, I can have more honest friendships with these people (and others, when the time seems right). I've never been in a secret relationship, because it's something I know would not sit well with me, so I look forward to opening up and putting myself out there when the opportunity does knock, instead of immediately dismissing it like I have in the past when people have expressed interest in me.

Writing it all out has definitely eased some of my worries. Thanks for reading.

 

Thank you. It's still all very fresh and a lot is going through my mind. I'm trying to go about the best way to share this with everyone I care for in my life. I feel like I can't move on to the next chapter until I do. The next few months should be rather interesting. I've decided my New Years resolution is going to be 'honesty'..with myself and others.

 

Thanks for all of the kind words everyone, I appreciate it.

No I haven't, so don't be too envious. LOL! I've come out to two other friends, one on the Eve and one on Christmas Day since posting this, and that went well also though. My family is something I want to do very soon. I feel like they already know, as did most of my friends, and are just waiting for me to say it, but it's really amazing how hard it can be to just mutter two simple words. My mother has already had a few talks with me in the past that always included "Is there something you want to say that to me that you've been hiding. You know I'll always love you", etc.. yet I still haven't bitten the bullet.

 

Yeah, it's definitely something that was negatively affecting my mental health. I haven't seen a psychiatrist or anything, but I'm pretty sure I was in a deep depression over this for quite a while. Everything else in my life couldn't be going any better than it could, yet every accomplishment, get together, even a beautiful day, had this "veil", as I like to call it, over it. I know disclosing this now isn't going to instantly snap me out of that, but I'm glad I'm moving forward.

I'm really glad I found a place like this. It's nice to be able to talk with others that I know can relate.

Hope everyone has a happy and healthy New Year

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2013 at 07:12 PM ----------

I hear you buddy. I'm sure with time everything will fall into place for you and others that have posted here. I'm excited for you. I wish I had more advice.