Ok, so today I did the deed. It had been eating me alive the past 3 days. I had locked myself in my room, not eating, and distanced myself from my family. My sister was getting angry with me and my dad was getting worried. My mom was a bit indifferent. Today I asked my dad to run errands with me, hoping it would allow me some time to talk with him. I told him I was depressed and probably going to start therapy once I got back to NYC. I had hoped this would lead to the "whys" that were necessary without me actually throwing it out there. Wrong. Once we got home, I was done and in my room without mentioning a single thing about my sexuality. I took a nap and woke up to the realization it was just my parents and I at home. This was it. I could feel it. I went downstairs and started helping my mom take down decorations. We got to talking about my upcoming trip to Brazil, a sore spot in my eyes because I felt like it was cutting off the progress I had been making. My dad came down and they kept talking about Brazil. I was getting frustrated...not angry, but frustrated. This had been building for decades. Finally I looked at them and said, "I'm gay." I ran up to my room afraid to confront the nuclear bomb I had just dropped, but I knew that I had to talk it out with my parents, so I quickly turned around and confronted them. The obvious questions were asked: How do I know? How long have I known? Am I sure? Where did we (my parents) go wrong? I couldn't bear to look at either of their faces. But I made sure they understood there was no going back now. My mom began to react by pacing back and forth, breathing as if she were hyperventilating, and asking "why?" My dad stood silent, motionless. I was about to faint. I should have had something to eat. My parents kept telling me I was just in need to some figuring out, that if I actually dated a girl I would realize I was straight. This wasn't supposed to happen this way, both of us thought, but it did. My mom was the most vocal, telling me it was a punishment from God on her life, now she wouldn't have grandkids, and how she thinks all 3 of her sons are gay. I regret ever lying to her about it. On some level I thought she knew or at least had an inkling. But because I told her no, she trusted me, and that was something I was so shocked to hear. My dad said I needed to go on a date with a girl. I needed to be 100% sure I was gay. I told him I didn't know what life had planned for me, but I wasn't about to resign myself to leading a girl on and never loving her properly. In my mind, whatever will be, will be. But the most shocking revelation came when I told them I had contemplated suicide more than once in college. My mom brushed it off...even snidely remarked that I would never have gone through with it. Was suicide not a huge deal? Was the fact that I had even considered it a recognition of the pain I was going through? I was angry. My parents just saw in me my oldest brother (who is gay) and how they hated him for it. Of course, my parents assured me they would never stop loving me. They would never kick me out of the house, or cut me off from the family. Finally my dad said, "I just feel like a big failure." I tried my best to reassure him he did a great job raising me. But I feel like more time is going to be needed for them. Unluckily, I am going to Brazil in 2 days and then I go back to New York. My mom called me an hour later and told me that I got to run away from this while she had to face her friends and their families (grandchildren and all) as a constant slap in the face. I sarcastically responded that New York was paradise for me...it wasn't because I was still going through this. My dad and I went out for more errands and it was silent. He finally looked at me and said, "So this is why you have been locked in your room and wanting therapy?" I didn't want to talk about it. So all in all, not awful, but not good. I feel like a weight is lifted off of me, but I feel so much sympathy for them. They didn't see this coming. As much as I thought they knew about me, they really hadn't. And somehow that just makes me feel awful. I am free. Finally free...but at what cost?
I need to congratulate you, despite all the disappointment, you need to know that you did something important and good. Too many parents have an inflated sense of their influence on how kids turn out. Fact is they do not possess you like the house or the furniture, and how you turn out is not really under their control, neither is it in yours to control whether you are gay or not. All freedom has a price, but this is just the painful down-payment, next will come the grieving. Give them time; that's all you can ask or expect of them at this point. Continue being compassionate, as you would someone who is grieving. They love you no matter what, so return the favour, love them with all your heart. Never go back into that closet, you must remain firm; no amount of arguing will change that fact (they ought to have learned that from your brother already!). Get your sibling's support for sure, that will help, and get friends to support you as well. I wish you all the best, and yes, it will be a happy new year, eventually!
First off, well done for taking that step. I believe that even though it has been difficult, it is better to honestly be yourself. Covering up is a draining and ultimately self-defeating activity. So well done! I guess you just have to accept that your parents are where they are with their understanding of the situation. I hope that with time you will find an accepting and open position with your parents - best of luck with your journey. I wish you all the very best for a great 2014 and the next steps in your journey.
First of all, congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!) This right there says enough for right now. As long as they still love you and want you as part of the family, things will get better once they've processed it. Take it from someone who's about 3 months ahead of where you are. (*hug*)
Thanks guys. Across the board I have tons of support from my friends. Hopefully some time away from my family will be good to let things settle in. I feel somewhat free...more like weak, but I am happy everything is out in the open. And I can begin 2014 on a high note.
