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My Story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Black Swan, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. Black Swan

    Full Member

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    I want to tell you all my story, so that if you find yourself in my situation, you can hopefully relate and not feel alone.:icon_wink

    I realized I was a lesbian when I was 14 years old. Now I'm nearly 16. But I didn't suddenly become a lesbian, it was a very slow and gradual experience of self discovery. I suppose if I'm going to start anywhere, then I may as well start here.

    I started to realize when she flashed onto my television screen. She was beautiful and sexy, and her flirtatious attitude stirred something in me. Her subtle innuendo-ish references to the fact that her first kiss was a girl, for some reason, excited me. She was a character from a TV show that I watched. Yes, she was my first girl crush that I was consciously aware of.:icon_redf After that I became a little bit obsessed with her a watched interviews of her on Youtube, and discovered that before she was the character I knew her as, she had acted as a teenage lesbian. I, of course just had to see that for myself, and came across videos of her kissing her TV girlfriend. :kiss: Wow, I really felt something then. That was when I first began to consciously open myself to the idea that I wasn't straight. I'd always just assumed I was, but what if I wasn't? And didn't you have to have know so for sure since you were, say, 3? That was my big year of confusion, and around then I joined this site, which I must say was extremely helpful for understanding myself, and I've learned so much from it.(&&&)

    Then I started looking back, wondering if I'd ever felt attracted to girls before, but been in denial or something. At first I thought not, after all, I remembered having silly little boy crushes when I was younger. Then I realized that all of those crushes were because that was what I thought I was supposed to be feeling, and that the attraction was artificial. And that's when I remembered those strange and slightly sexual dreams :sleep: and daydreams I had about girls when I was very little and didn't know what sex was. This helped me because I then felt validated about who I was, and what I was feeling. I also remembered wondering what it would feel like to kiss my then best girl friend and being jealous when she hung out with our other friend but not realizing anything at the time because I was in deep denial.

    I also remembered an instance when I was 11 and at my Aunt's house for some party, her friends came and had a son who took this instant liking to me, asked me if I had a boyfriend (I've never had a boyfriend), got all protective of me and basically forced a kiss on me at the end of the night. I was so shocked and disgusted after that horrible kiss that I instantly went to bed and buried my head under the pillow. It made me feel sick even though I thought he was a nice enough kid. As I have now discovered, this was probably because I was gay. :newcolor:

    After I started to accept myself a little more I went through a string of pointless straight girl crushes with some cute girls at my school, never acting on anything because I dared not.:icon_sad:

    But I moved on and thanks to this site I was able to accept myself,:eusa_clap come out to my parents, brother, grandmother and one acquaintance so far :eusa_danc . I still wonder sometimes if it's possible to make myself straight (I tried, it didn't work) or if I will ever change. One side effect was that I have become much more comfortable touching other girls in a casual way, because I was terrified of doing that before hand. And I don't even care if people think I'm queer. (Not that I'm ready to directly tell my friends yet, but I'm working on it!) For the most part, I feel like this is who I am and I will never change, so I am able to take some pride in being gay! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    So that's my story, hope you liked it! (*hug*) At the very least I have now emptied myself of the burden of questioning my own identity by writing everything down. Thank you EC for being a hugely helpful part of my life, I would still be trying to understand myself today if not for you! :lol:Have a lovely queer new year! :thumbsup: (!)
     
  2. Haze

    Regular Member

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    :thumbsup: Woohoo!! Great story, and not so different from my own. Keep up the awesomeness! :eusa_danc
     
  3. Black Swan

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    Thanks Haze!
     
  4. lovely lesbian

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    Great story Hun
     
  5. notsure98

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Hampshire, USA
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi Black Swan! I'm also 15 and struggling to come to terms with my sexuality, and your story really helped me have a bit more confidence! Thank you!