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A secret revealed from miles away. My coming out story in progress.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by ogzltheeve, Jan 25, 2014.

  1. ogzltheeve

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    First of I'd like to apologize for the length of this post.:eusa_doh:

    As early as elementary school, I’ve found myself attracted to the same sex but I never really questioned my sexuality until High School. Having these thoughts at a young age didn’t necessarily bother me because kids tend to have wild imaginations and I thought it was just a temporary thing that I’d eventually grow out of.

    In Middle school, my feelings for the same sex were slightly coming in effect but I never actually thought about the possibility of ever labeling myself a lesbian. In fact I just ignored the possibility that this could be who I really am. Which is perfectly fine because at such a young age we can’t really know who we really are and what we really want in life and I did find myself attracted to the opposite sex as well. So the thought of ever coming out was definitely out of the question. I’d say to myself if this is what I truly want in life then let it be a secret for rest of my life. The thought of telling anyone was absolutely terrifying. And while I still had unsettling feelings about my sexuality I figured it’d be a waste of time even worrying about it at such a young age. Instead I just did what any young teenager would do. Have fun, be young and naive.

    During High School my feelings for the same sex were now in full effect and this time there was no running away from it. It was a very profound moment in my life, when I was trying to decide who I was. My sophomore year in High School was definitely the beginning of a huge turning point in my life. Eventually I had to come to a point of realization that I might have to re-evaluate my sexuality. I couldn’t quite pin point it at the time. Which is why I’m not very fond of labels. In fact I despise the word “Lesbian.” I’m not sure if my dislike for labels is because I wasn’t sure of my own sexuality or because I was ashamed or because of the stereotypes associated with labels. It only made it that much more confusing for myself and to be honest I’d rather not label myself at all. During my sophomore year in High School, I had a crush on someone I didn’t even know. I didn’t know what to do about these feelings I was experiencing and I knew this was definitely something I needed to talk about with someone. So I came out to a friend of mine from overseas. That was the first person I ever came out to. At the time, we were becoming close friends and I felt the most comfortable telling her more than anyone else. She was very supportive and open about it. I remember chatting with her about it online and feeling like my heart was about to come out of my mouth. I stepped back from the computer in disbelief. I actually came out to someone? Is this really happening? We chatted about it that day but afterwards I never really brought it up again. After that we became even closer friends. It was weird feeling a close connection to someone who was so far. We were inseparable and had such an intense emotional connection with each other.

    I’ve never felt so comfortable around anyone else before. To think she was the first person to know before my friends at home or even my own family. I felt like I could talk to her about anything. It was therapeutic being able to be myself around someone I could trust. But I knew where exactly this was leading to and I knew it wouldn’t end well, realistically speaking, but I was young and naive. My Senior year in High School my feelings sky rocketed for this friend of mine. Once again I needed someone to talk to. But I ended up talking to the wrong person this time. A mutual friend of ours told her about my feelings for her without my permission. And I thought after him telling her everything she would freak out and never talk to me again. Instead I freaked out. I’ve never felt any lower than I did that day. I was in panic mode. I desperately needed someone to talk to but I had no one. I remember that day clearly. It was the day before senior picture day. I was at home staring into my phone with zombie eyes at the dinner table being completely anti-social and non-present. I couldn’t eat that day. My mom was yelling at me for not being prepared for my senior picture the next day. I couldn’t think about anything else except for what just happened. So this may sound weird but I ended up messaging my brother via instant message while my mom was doing my hair. I told him “Craig I need to talk to you.” Naturally he joked “what do you want?” and I replied “I’m serious.” “Okay?” he said. So I basically came out to my brother. He thought I was joking at first until I walked passed him and into my room. He followed me in my room, closed the door and said I’m here if you need to talk to me. I bursted out in tears and told him to leave because the feeling was experiencing was so intense (little did I know that he was also in the same boat as me). And so that was the story behind my swollen eyes in my Senior picture. My parents have yet to know exactly what I was feeling that day. It was extremely difficult keeping all these emotions bottled up for so long that I eventually exploded.

    I thought I lost a friend and was convinced I had no one else to talk to. But I ended up being completely wrong about both. She was actually still there for me for another 2 years until we went our separate ways. She cut off ties between us and snapped back to reality while I was still floating my way back down. At first I was confused and didn’t understand why she suddenly decided to cut off ties until I remembered one night we spoke and she mentioned to me “you’re sailing on fears and desires that aren’t from the real world. And I have the feeling you lost track and came to a place in your loving, that is far from course.” I was feeling very lost and all the energy I had invested in this friendship was now invested in thinking. I overanalyzed everything. Although I was hurt I knew this would eventually happen for the better.

    College was beginning for the both of us and our long distance friendship sort of crumbled. Not because we no longer wanted to stay friends but because our lives had become busier and it was difficult staying in touch with someone from across the atlantic ocean. Thanks to our friendship, I was able to open up to my twin brother and even friends at home. She actually showed me everything that was holding me back and brought to my attention that I can change my life and that I don’t have to live in constant doubt. I can honestly say she was the most important person I’ve met because she tore down my walls and slapped me awake from this unrealistic cloud I was living on. And although she walked out of my life, I know that the purpose of her walking into mine was to reveal another layer of myself.

    Since then I’ve been living a lot more openly and have friends and a twin brother who love and support me. But I still feel like I’m not living freely and open enough. Over so many years of loving silently and unrequited love, I feel it’s time to be honest about the life I live and want. The next big step is to come out to my parents. Although I’ve come out to my friends, and have been living openly, I want to be able to comfortably say that I like someone of the same-sex without having to hide it from my parents. Ultimately I know that they might have a hard time accepting reality at first but I’m sure they’ll love both my brother and I, regardless of our sexual orientation.

    So that was my half coming out story. The other half is to be continued.
     
  2. Clay

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    That was a great story, I hope coming out to your parents goes well for you.

    Your brother is bi or gay too? Have you talked to him about your parents?
     
  3. ogzltheeve

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    He's gay and I'd like to say that I'm a lesbian instead of bisexual now.

    We've spoke about it together and he seems more ready than I am to come out to them. He's just waiting for me.