So I've been out for almost 3 years now, after I had come out I had hard time feeling like I actually was until my parents knew about it. After many weeks of debate to tell them and huge anxiety build up, I finally told them. I told them probably 3 or so months after I came out, it was probably one of the most hardest things I did because my parents are some of the most homophobic people I know and had I to grow up with their views on LGBT, on what they thought of them, and all the insults they would make about them. After I came out to them it was everything I didn't want to hear, followed by words you would expect a loving parent to say. They said they would always love me, if I was a murderer, drug addict or gay, they would always love me, but they could not accept me for being gay and never would. They furthered on by saying they never would never want to meet my boyfriend, and never go to my wedding if I ever had one. At this moment I was in a conflict of their words, I didn't understand why they would place being gay in the same category as murderers and drug addicts, I didn't understand how they could love me if I was gay, but not accept me at the same time. Instead of questioning them on this I asked them "So if anyone approached you and asked if you accepted your son for who he was, you would say no?" they both nodded and said yes. I asked back to them "and you would have no problem with me telling people that my parents dont accept me for being me?? again they said yes. This went into further conversation how they described they believe church groups that turn gay people straight work really well, all I Said to them was I beg to differ... There was never no yelling between us or interruptions, they knew exactly what they stood by and not even I could shake them into questioning their beliefs. Throughout the whole ordeal I felt like I was going to break down, but I kept in mind that what I was going through was nothing compared to what many others have when they came out to their parents. A month had gone by, every time I went to go visit my parents it felt awkward, I felt welcomed by them still, but the feeling of being welcomed and not accepted weighed heavy on my mind every time. They would always say they love me, but I felt as if they loved someone else and not ME. The way I've always seen it is love is acceptance, there can't be love without accepting. On one of my visits over, I was having coffee with my dad, he stood infront of me and said something that plays through my head almost every day "Thank you James for no talking about anymore what you had told us, it really is good that we just kept the elephant out of the room", he then just smiled and stared off. I said "mmm yeah, no problem..." I felt like at that point they really didn't know me nor understood me, what he had said hurt in a way I didn't feel before. A few months had gone by and I it was just the same feeling over and over again, like if I was under this whole fake love realm. Eventually I had broken off communication from them, I didn't want to be the elephant that they had saw me as anymore, and I had just came out still I wanted to move on with my life being free and open, instead of going to see them and hiding myself all the time. I don't want to hide myself anymore. It's now been two years since I spoke with them, lately this whole thing keeps playing through my mind wondering if maybe I was the ignorant one for leaving, I miss having parents, a lot. I definitely feel a lot more myself now without them though, I just wish for my parents to be accepting of me is all. I just want to know what people out there think of all this, and the actions I took. Please take in mind there was a great deal of verbal abuse from my parents growing up, so my decision making did come from a lot of that as well. I really do appreciate anyone that has taken the time to read this and look forward to read your opinions
Unfortunately I don't think there is a right answer here. I admire your courage to come out to your parents and your conviction to surround yourself only with people who truly accept you for who you are. I completely understand what you mean when you say "I felt as if they loved someone else and not ME." At the same time, I do think that deep down your parents do care about you and love you unconditionally, although that probably doesn't feel like much when they don't accept such a core part of who you are. I think you left out part of the story -- did you explicitly cut your parents out of your life or did you just drift apart and nobody made an effort to stay in touch? Two years is a long time to go without any contact at all. It's really up to you. You've reached a point in your life where you're more confident and comfortable with who you are. Your relationship with your parents is not a good one, but I do think there is still some love there. I think my advice to a lot of people would be different, but if you can stomach the occasional snide comment or having to be less open than you'd like about your love life, I suggest trying to keep them in your life. For better or for worse you only get one set of parents and I think it's worth trying to maintain some kind of connection as long as it doesn't shatter your own self-worth.
Yeah, there is more than just this reason alone to why I don't talk with them. If I had to fit it all in one post, it would be be a books worth lol. Like I said, I underwent a lot of verbal abuse by them growing up, I was sheltered and never submitted into any school system so I missed out on a lot of social opportunity, and have no education record at the moment, but im working on changing that now. I was continuously shut down when I was about to meet every life goal too. I agree with you 100% in everything you said though, I just don't like being shut down all the time by my parents. When I had stop talking to them it was more of I drifted away, there was no real effort in contacting each other when it happened. I feel like I will eventually get back in contact with them again, but for right now I feel like I need the time to fix my life from its past so I can have a better approach about everything with them when I do start talking to them again. Its just been a lot easier to make progress in my life without them right now, I have made a lot of big goals for myself and I really have no intentions on losing them.
Given what you say, I'd agree with you. Time to focus on yourself. But you haven't told us your age or situation, and all of that is important, although maybe the most important. Do you have any back-channel communication with your parents through a relative or family friend? Any reason to believe, after 2 years of non-communication, that they may now be more accepting? It might be worth investigating. But if it's still as toxic as you describe, mAybe it's better to pay attention to yourself instead of them. Most importantly, do you have a support system in place for yourself? ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2014 at 06:00 PM ---------- Given what you say, I'd agree with you. Time to focus on yourself. But you haven't told us your age or situation, and all of that is important, although maybe not the most important. Do you have any back-channel communication with your parents through a relative or family friend? Any reason to believe, after 2 years of non-communication, that they may now be more accepting? It might be worth investigating. But if it's still as toxic as you describe, maybe it's better to pay attention to yourself instead of to them. Most importantly, do you have a support system in place for yourself?
Glad to hear it! While I still think it will probably be worthwhile to maintain some kind of your relationship with your parents unless there is complete hatred between you, anything they get from you at this point is because you are a good person, not because they deserve it. If you can communicate with them from time to time and still be happy, that's great, do it. If not, just be happy.
Yeah I really should of added my age in there. I'm 24 going on 25 in march, the actual situation I feel like im facing right now is the love I have for my parents is still there, I feel a lot of need for parents in my life right now, but I'm not sure if it's really worth going back to them as they never really helped me with anything in my life at all. Im' just curious to see what other people think of the situation as figuring things out on my own isn't the easiest thing to do. As far as support gos its all friends and my sister. My friends are what gave me confidence and taught me the means of living independently. They even say they noticed I look healthier living without my parents. Right now my sister lives with me because she left my parents house to go move in with her boyfriend, she broke up with him and almost ended up going back to my parents house but I didn't want her to, so she is living with me right now. As far as my other family gos everyone is very anti-homosexual, I talk to them once and a while and hear very little about my parents, but even they dont get along with them very well.
Your story is heart-breaking. As a parent I can't imagine cutting them off for any reason, much less for being gay! I selected your quote above because you will eventually discover that your friends, your LGBT friends, mostly, may eventually become your "family". I have heard that this "family" really is a mirror of what families are all about: they meet each other at holidays, weddings and funerals, sometimes there are disputes. When you have a new relationship, you introduce your new partner to them... So don't despair about needing parents, the family that you can create for yourself will more than make up for it.
hey like you i drifted away from my parents.i didnt try either and like you i felt my life was kinda a lot better for it.but as time went on it got harder to get back in contact.estrangement is kinda funny the longer it goes on the more it weighed on my mind.but forcing myself to get back in contact was pretty hard kinda felt like returning to a real dark time in my life.in the end i did get back in contact i still dont see them that much but i do feel like a burden was off my shoulders.it does sound like they are pretty toxic and i think i woudnt recomend seeing them a lot. but contacting them after 2 years will be lot more easy than if you leave it longer.good luck bo.
You've made a very difficult, but I think important and necessary decision, and it is in no way your fault that the communication has broken down. They must be incredibly ignorant to believe that by "keeping the elephant out of the room" that things can be OK, because they're in effect telling you that you aren't really worthy of their love and belonging *unless* you hide who you are. That's not unconditional love, which *every* child deserves and, by the way, Jesus talked quite a bit about. So they're neither standing by you, nor following authentic religious beliefs, but their own narrow and bigoted interpretation. And that's just wrong, because it's not their place to judge you. So as others have said, there's really no good solution here, other than to wait. I have seen many of these situations where, after a few years, the parents figure out that things are not going to change, and they learn to truly love and accept their child for who s/he is. I can't guarantee that will happen for you, but if I were to guess, I'd say they will eventually come around. I don't feel like you should give in to their demands that you "avoid the topic" because that's going to hurt your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Perhaps it would be worth communicating that to them by letter or email, along with perhaps contact info for local PFLAG groups and an encouragement to attend at least one PFLAG meeting. Ultimately, you'll have to make the decision, and it's not an easy one, because, unless they are willing to change, on the one hand, it's about accepting the conditional love of your parents at the cost of your self-esteem, or having good self-esteem at the cost of your relationship with them. Hope that helps !
There is great advice here. My one would be that, if they're comparing you to a murderer, they're not worth your time. You're basically saying you think you should contact them, but why? You've done nothing wrong, in fact you're incredibly brave. Even if you do contact them it'll never be the same. They're going to continue to act like that, and they'll never take an interest in your life again. I'm sure you will contact them again, but I think that once you do you'll just realise that it was a waste of time. You're a better person than your parents. Love for your kids shouldn't be conditional.
Thanks so much everyone for your opinions and advice! I've read through what you all have all said carefully and it has definitely given me a better understanding here I have indeed made some friends into family members to myself, and I don't hesitate to let them know it as well. They are all very well aware of how my family is, and I think because of that its made me more closer with the friends I have. However the only family members that arent gay supportive is my moms side of the family. My dads side is completely open and supportive, but all live on the other side of the country unfortunately I think what I ultimately am learning from all this is not to give up on hope that my parents will accept me one day, and to continue on with my life until I will be able to handle having them back in my life again. I find the best way for me to make progress is to try to be as happy as I can be right now, and to continue maintaining relationships with those that are accepting of me.
I completely agree with GreatWhale. Being a parent myself, I cannot imagine not supporting my children. That does not mean if they were involved in something illegal or dangerous that I would just ignore it or turn a deaf ear pretending nothing bad in going on in their lives. Parents need to be wise enough to realize the things that their child chooses to do with their life, vs those things that are inherently a part of their being. We also need to keep in mind that while it is good to have a friendship with our parents on some level, they are always still our parents and cannot fill the same role any other person would fill as a true friend. Perhaps that dividing line blurs once you become an adult, but since my relationship with my parents was so damaged when I came out everything since has been a charade of forced smiles, hugs and kisses.
