Came out to my Dad!

I finally came out to my Dad, and things went better than I expected!

I've been wanting to talk to him for ages but he lives in the US, so I don't see him a lot. He came to visit and I went to see him today and had a meal and a few drinks with him.

I've heard him make homophobic slurs in the past and he has disagreed quite strongly with gay marriage in front of me before, so I didn't know how things would turn out. So I was really nervous but knew I had to do it.

We got to the pub after the meal. I'd planned to talk to him about our past - basically there were a load of family issues that drove us apart which were mostly his doing and he knows it, but things have improved in recent years and we're getting along better. I told him I never wanted anything to come between us again and he agreed with that. The plan was to come out after that but I froze and went quiet.

Fast forward a few hours, I've been to his house for a while and now we're back in the pub. I'm not saying a lot, just staring into space for quite a while, but I'm aware my train home leaves soon. So I start talking.

I told him I had something I needed to talk to him about. He asked what it was and I couldn't look him in the eye, I was staring down into the corner, then I said "I don't even know where to start telling you this". He asked what it was again and I put my head in my hands and said "I don't really know where to start" and fumbled a bit, then eventually looked him in the eye and said "you know when I eventually settle down, it's probably not going to be with a girl, although there's still a remote chance it might be, if you know what I'm saying? But probably not. Believe me, I've had times where I've wanted to change this but I have no control over what cards I'm dealt. I've accepted that's who I am and I need to get out there and enjoy my life. Please tell me this doesn't matter to you because I would be gutted if you decided you were going to think of me differently now".

His first words were "nothing changes, you're still my son. Now haven't you got a train to catch?"

I wasn't expecting that smooth a reaction to be honest! I had to go and we said our goodbyes (a tighter than usual hug was involved) and I got my train. I must have been a bit giddy because I got on the wrong train and ended up in Manchester! But got home in the end

He's since phoned me and we've talked again. He says he's glad I told him, and that he didn't suspect at all so it was a bombshell for him. He talked for a while about the situation then talked to me for ages about normal mundane stuff, as if he wanted to show me everything was still normal between us without actually saying so. He even commented on how he thought there was something really wrong with me this evening because I was being really quiet and vacant but he didn't know what to say to me (he's not the most forthcoming with things like that).

So happy his reaction has been so good! It's a huge relief I can be myself around almost everyone in my life now, just a few more people to go! (!)

 

Thanks for the replies! Yeah it's so difficult to do! I've realised both of us were avoiding actually using the word "gay" yesterday, I think I was right to decide not to say it outright as it seemed to soften the blow, and I'm not sure he finds that particular word very comfortable to say. I'm planning to slip it in somewhere when I talk to him in the near future, I think it will help him get used to the idea in the long run, and I think he needs to get over the fear of eventually saying to people "my oldest son is gay". Still can't believe I'm actually out to him, it feels so bizarre but so good

 

Thanks everyone!

Had a lengthy phone conversation with him tonight. He totally seems to get it, the fact my orientation isn't a life choice or anything and it's just the way I am. He said it makes no difference to him as long as I'm happy. So far so good!

I told him he could ask me anything but he said he didn't really have that many questions. He then said he was really worried about me because he could see how physically stressed I was yesterday and said it must not have been easy for me to say, and it must have taken guts to admit. He seemed to think I was a lot more stressed than he was about it and he's showing great support towards me.

Also, his wife had sussed me! I've only met her in person a handful of times, but apparently she asked him after she saw me once if he'd considered the possibility I might be gay. He said he didn't think I was and that I'd probably taken my time to find someone because of life events, which is partly true anyway. He didn't suspect at all but she said she had strong suspicions, not because of the way I acted (I'm not even slightly effeminate) but more instinct. No one's ever said that before and she doesn't know me that well, I find this bizarre and slightly amusing

He said that if I had a partner in the future he'd be happy to meet him. Again, very good! I also assured him that I'm healthy and careful, I thought that was an important thing for him to know.

Did you spot that my Dad used the word "gay" back there? I'm glad he did that, I was having trouble saying it to him to be honest because I was so nervous about how he would take it to start with. He seems to be doing his best and I'm so glad it hasn't affected our relationship. I think it might even bring us closer eventually as he now has a greater understanding of what makes me tick.

 

Thanks Justin! I'm really happy it's worked out this way too. I know he will be struggling internally with prejudices and assumptions he has had about what being gay is all about, but hopefully me coming out to him has opened his eyes and given him a reality check. When he formed opinions in the past he had no idea one of his sons was gay. Although he's said in the past that gay marriage isn't proper marriage in his eyes, I can't see him thinking any relationship I have is less valid than a straight relationship, even if I do marry a man in the future. This is a big step for him, and so far he's mostly taken everything in his stride, or at least on the surface.

I also expected he would need someone to talk to and thought he would probably contact my brother with a lot of worries and questions. He hasn't done that either. He is being far more sensible about this than I ever gave him credit for. If anything I'm having a harder time accepting that he finally knows rather than the other way round.

I don't usually make new year resolutions, but I promised myself that I'd be out to everyone this year. There's only two people left on the family list now, that's my Nan and Aunt. My Nan is quite religious but not to the point she would let religion rule the feelings she had for other people, plus she has known gay people before and accepted them at face value, so I think she will be surprised and slightly confused but ok. My Aunt will probably be fine too and I know she probably suspects a little, although I know she's a bit naive when it comes to these kind of issues and she's made jokes and laughed about the concept of gay sex between men in the past. But she also asked me years ago when we were alone if I was gay, and said if I was it wouldn't matter. My answer was something along the lines of "no, don't worry, there's no danger of that!" But this was a fair few years before I'd accepted myself. She also works with someone I knew years ago who has since come out as gay and she has talked to me about it, without cracking any jokes, so this must be good. My Nan and Aunt live quite a distance from me, so I will probably do it on my next visit. Once they know the news will spread as I have a feeling neither of them will be able to resist telling people. That's fine though, it saves me the effort of coming out to cousins and extended family who I don't often see.