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My Story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by PM92, Jan 27, 2014.

  1. PM92

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2013
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Brighton, East Sussex
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Couldn't figure out the blog so I'll put this here..

    For years, I've felt that I was different from everyone else, that I had a different purpose in life than others and I carried this through my childhood. But one day it struck me! What if that purpose wasn't in what I did? But in who I was? At this stage I was 14 and scared. I knew that my attractions lay in a different place and I refused to accept it. I began to question who I was, my sexuality, being careful to protect myself from any unnecessary ridicule or from being, for lack of a better term, "Outed". We have all heard how young people act, saying "That's gay" if something goes wrong.. I mean, what ever happened to people to want to turn their kids into mini-bigots? I was all to aware of the reaction I would get from my peers if I came out of the closet and the phrase I used to validate my hesitation, the phrase, that phrase that screamed so loudly in my mind and still burns me deep inside as I write this (mainly because I now know how stupid it was to think this way). "Children can be cruel by nature and ignorance". So I pushed my thoughts on the matter back as simply "mental deliberations". Forcing me to try to think this through, to comprehend something even I hadn't considered as a path for my life to follow.

    By the time I reached the age of 16 I had learned so much about society and its views on those little things that step outside the "Social Norms". I had become aware of war, terrorism, racism, discrimination, and homophobia and how it has become so commonplace in society. I also developed my own morals, individual to myself and only sharing a mere handful of the values I had learned from my parents. I didn't agree with everything they said or did. But what I feel was the most important, I had discovered my ability to find joy in life and feel comfortable making personal choices and to look beyond how they would affect those around me. It helped me both socially and personally. It gave me respect for who I was. It enabled me to make my OWN choices. I was able to realize that while I knew that being gay isn't a choice as some people lead you to believe but to be open about my sexuality is MY CHOICE! and can't be defined by other people and by society or by religions somewhat bigoted views on anything that steps out of the so called "conventional". A word used to push people into stereotypes and gender roles. Besides from that. I had realized I was ready. I am Gay. But soon my inhibitions caught up with me. I spent many a sleepless nigh lying in bed thinking. "Was I ready to others about who I am? Who I want to be? No... I needed time to piece together how this was going to work out. But I already knew how It would work out. I became angry, at myself mostly. I felt spineless, shallow, fake, weak, stupid! and many other horrible things that wont come to mind as I write this. Memories I pushed away to help me to deal with this.

    It's funny how fear makes you change... Somebody who didn't really like me found out my secret, and they tried to out me. In my panic not to be caught out I pushed aside my immature 14 year old self and forced myself to grow up, if only to protect myself from others, grow a hard skin so to speak. And to distance myself from everyone. I was able to become evasive, calculated, conceited, two-faced and arrogant as needed to achieve my goal. I pushed people away, pushed friends away (some of whom I have re-connected with and our relationships have been stronger than ever). It was hard for me to do this. But I felt like nobody would ever understand why this was necessary, I felt like I somehow understood why this was necessary. That I did it to protect myself. And succeeded, which allowed me to re-establish my "straight" status among my peers, but now I believe That... was my first mistake....

    I felt myself beginning to drown in anxiety, bottling up my worries and failings into a painful all consuming ball of negativity, while maintaining the facade of happiness on the outside. That had become second nature to me, pretending like nothing was wrong when I was dying inside. And this affected me physically too. Unexplained and sudden stomach problems, and a constant pressure in my chest which resulted with infrequent, but never the less worrying panic attacks, only two of which were known to my parents and doctors, which I was able to pass off as asthma. Another lie, to myself, to others around me. It felt like this was second nature. I learned to control and manage these attacks so I could focus on other things. Insomnia started next... Not regularly at first but soon I was only getting 2-3 hours sleep a night. I became drained, getting sick more often than I used to, more than I really wanted but I accepted it, I HAD to accept it. I had discovered free choice but it had me pinned down with my hands behind my back. My own stupid, juvenile fear fueled mistakes from my youth had come back to bite me with a vengeance as I was rapidly approaching the beginnings of adulthood. It set me back, far back. My so-called "free choices" and "white lies" had become my bad choices and I desperately tried to slow the momentum before I did any more damage. I let holding in something as a secret and doing my all to protect it destroy who I was and what I was capable of. I didn't get what I knew I could in my Exams... I CHOSE not to repeat those exams because I couldn't face another year of that pressure. I accepted an offer for a university course I didn't really want and the pressure started to rise again. For anybody keeping tally that was mistake number 2.

    Then I woke up...

    I got angry, but this was a deeper anger than the self hate that consumed me in my teens, the hate that I hid behind carefully planned and calculated bursts of personality, designed to catch people off their guard so they wouldn't worry about me. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and asked. "What have you become? Why have you let one or two poor choices ruin your whole life? So what if your gay? Are you happy with that? Yes... So why not let others have the opportunity to be happy for you too?" I was ashamed of myself when I first realized I was gay, that 14 year old who didn't know better... Who didn't WANT to know better... Who didn't feel like he had the courage to be anything more than he was, a fake and a coward... I knew that if the old me could see who I had become now he would be even more ashamed. This is ridiculous! I was worse than the bigots and homophobic people...

    I finally decided to pull myself together and get my life back on track, so I dropped out of college... That might sound like mistake no 3 coming along but I swear it was the best thing I have ever done. I was able to see clearly about a lot of things than I had in a long time. I began to prioritize... I knew my sexuality was important, but so was my education and that was where I needed to go first. I applied for a pre-admissions course to do this. In all this time I was genuinely happy again. No facade, no lies. Anybody who I didn't know before this saw me for who I was. I still hadn't come out but I was in a place where I knew I could when I was ready. I had accepted myself as being gay and had reached the stage where I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! But I knew I had to choose a time that would work out best for everyone involved, this was delicate and I knew it. Diplomacy would be my best option to get people on side much quicker. I persevered though. Testing the water with my friend Nicola who was visiting from the UK. I chose to tell her one day at lunch. We sat there, she was talking about how much she missed Ireland and how she might be moving back. So I looked her straight in the eyes and said. "Nico, I'm Gay". Now THAT was a liberating moment, telling another human being something so personal, something I struggled to say to myself for a long time, something I let consume me and fought my through. And even better than that I felt the pressure lift from my chest, she took it well... But being somebody I knew so well I heard her next sentence in my head before she said it and the speed that pressure came back could have winded me. "How did your parents take it?". My parents... I hadn't told them and she knew it. I mean, how do you even start that conversation? Hi Mom and Dad! Guess who's into guys now? or even Hey Mom and Dad! Lets count the grandchildren you'll never be getting! I was 19 at this stage and afraid of having "that talk" with my parents. I knew they would accept me for who I am but its not easy saying it. I thought "Heck! they might even know already" Parents are notorious for having a 6th sense when it comes to their kids. I think that the major catalyst for changing came to me when I took the notion of keeping a journal... I was able to vent my frustrations and fears and just leave them there... To make rational decisions because of it. It helped me form my thoughts (even if a lot of it was doodles and spider diagrams :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) and form this as I write it. It enabled me to take a step back from myself and view my problems objectively, instead of what they really are... Problems...

    I will always remember the 5th of March 2013. As it was the day I finally plucked up enough courage to tell my mam and dad. I did it like ripping of a plaster so I couldn't bottle it. Dad walked in with the teas for me and mam and I just said, can I have a word. Then I did it. And it turned out well. They took it well on the face of things. But I think the cracks may show over time. My sister took it well too... She's supportive but she doesn't always bring it up in conversations...

    My mother is another story, she is super supportive but makes it like super awkward because she asks me questions in the car so I can't get away from her... Not that I have a problem with her asking questions but when the include the likes of "So have you ever done anything with a lad" It makes things awkward...

    But looking back at the past year It gives me a great sense of relief and joy to think that I was finally able to accept who I am and that everybody in my life is so accepting of who I am. I know it was foolish that I waited so long but now I know that there is no point dwelling in the past. I feel that I can finally move forward with my life feeling like I can take on the world and that down the line I can support anybody else who needs it.