The journal of my coming to terms and coming out-a work in progress

I am writing this in the hopes that my story can be of some assistance to others who find themselves struggling. This is a work in progress, and my intention is to update it as events of note or interest occur.

The Backstory

Prologue
For I can’t even remember how long now, the question of my sexuality has crossed my mind. Even in high school as I had a girlfriend, I never really got all that into it. Being young and growing up in a conservative rural area, I dismissed it pretty easily and never thought much of it.

Once I got to college, I looked, somewhat half-heartedly, for interesting girls, but I really wound up getting incredibly busy with my classes and other activities, which was an easy excuse. I grew up going to church and stuff like that, but it was also at college that I really became spiritual and faithful. Of course, as the issue of gay marriage started to hit, the church came out against homosexuality, so in my mind at that point, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. In truth, the feeling that I might be gay wasn’t that strong yet, and I mostly attributed any doubts of my straightness to the fact that I hadn’t had a girlfriend since I started college and that I was under a lot of stress.

The Big Question
About three years ago (give or take), while I was on break from college, my parents pulled me aside one day at home and asked me straight out if I was gay. At the time, I hadn't even begun to seriously consider the idea, let alone be anywhere close to coming out. I knew that even if I said yes, they would love me all the same and not reject me, but I wasn't anywhere close to being sure for myself, so although it made some sense in my mind, I got scared and vehemently denied being gay. For some time after that, I really stopped and pondered the big question. The signs were there, but the whims of society and my burgeoning religious side overruled, so despite my parents’ insistence that things would be ok no matter what, I denied my true nature and turned quite homophobic for awhile.

Post-College
After college, I wound up moving to the Metro Detroit area for my internship and future employment, and from there, my life took a huge crap. I was living with three slobs who all smoked heavily, and being an intern, I was so very poor. Of course, at the same time, I got a few large unexpected bills and so found myself in massive debt. I didn’t know too many people, and so became very lonely and very depressed. Of course, at the same time, my parents and many other interested parties in my life began asking about my love life, when I was going to have kids, if I had a girlfriend, and the like. This was especially exacerbated by the fact that I hadn’t had a girlfriend since high school, and given my general disinterest in the bar/club scene, had little chance of changing.

Of course, those same questions of my sexuality kept appearing, but I was able to dismiss them under the premise that it had just been too long since I had last had a girlfriend. So, I kept on trying to find the right girl. I met a few girls that were cute and very sweet, girls that should have been perfect... Should have been, yet I just wasn’t feeling it. Eventually, I got a more permanent position at the company I was (and still am) at, and so in spite of its financial troubles, things began to improve for me and I managed to shake off my depression. I began to fall into the same habits I cultivated at college, and I kept myself busy doing all sorts of activities. The feelings returned, and yet I just sort of ignored them, hoping they would go away.

“300”
Things continued on like that for a long time. I continued to live my life, and although I was again beginning to seriously question whether I was gay, I just continued on, thinking perhaps I would meet that random girl that would shake me out of my malaise. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I went to watch 300 with some friends of mine.

In spite of being a simple battle movie with hardly any plot, it threw me into a tailspin. Of course, there are a few scenes with some exposed women for the average male viewer, and anyone who’s seen even the preview knows that there are 300 Spartan warriors that essentially run around and fight in leather underwear. So, when the naked girls showed up and I felt nothing, yet the sight of the barely-clothed men had an effect, my towering house of cards built on inaction and internal deceit collapsed, and collapsed completely.

The Present

The next week was host to one of the darkest and quickest depressions and introspective periods of my life. I wandered all over the internet, finding sites like this, and reading every little thing I could. I scoured the very depths of my soul and really tried to determine just who the hell I was. Even as the answer became clear, I still kept thinking that there was something I was missing. By this point, I was utterly withdrawn, having trouble focusing on anything, including my work, friends, all of it. I finally told my roommate that I was struggling with the question, and he was completely accepting.

Monday, March 19
I happened to get out of work a few hours early, so I went home, of course to linger on in my introspective depressive funk hoping to put the whole question back to bed. Instead, as I sat in front of my computer pondering myself and the world around me, I finally just completely broke down. The dam finally broke, and everything that I had been trying so desperately to hold back came flooding out. All the signs, the memories, the fears, the doubts, all presented themselves in one gigantic formation, far too large to any longer be ignored. Once I recovered, I finally knew. There was no way I could deny it any longer. I am gay.

The rest of the week
Once my roommate got home, I told him, my first coming out. As one of my best friends, he was as supportive and understanding as one could ever hope for, and he again demonstrated the depth of his character. Empowered by that success, I managed to tell one of my trusted co-workers, and last night, I told another of my friends. Both were very supportive, my co-worker (female) giving me a big hug, and my other friend assuring me that the conversation would remain between us. Interestingly enough, my friend also admitted that he had briefly wondered if I was gay when he had first met me, but apparently he just dismissed the idea and never gave it any more thought. Little did I know until he told me, I apparently dress well! Also, the fact that I am a Christian that’s never had any issues with homosexuality in the time he’s known me apparently was a clue, as well. That brings us to the present moment...

Like I said at the beginning of this thing, this is a work in progress. I have no idea where the journey is now going to lead, but in spite of the fact that this has been hard and might be hard in the future, I know I’ve finally made the right choice, and that wherever life does lead, it will be better than ever before.

 

Thanks, I'll make sure to keep up with it, then... But, apparently I can't edit it, so I'll have to add sequentially, I guess...

anywhoo...

Saturday, March 24
To date, I had already told four people, all of them close friends, one a co-worker. Saturday, I found myself putzing around on the internet, something I normally don't do on a Saturday afternoon, when I happened to notice my cousin online. We had always been exceedingly close growing up and beyond, and I had actually been hoping to get a chance to tell him, even though I was worried about how he'd react. After all, he had been in the Seminary until he got too burned out to keep up with the work, he had had several different pretty and bright girlfriends over time, and I haven't always been the humanitarian I am now... But I told him. A long pause followed, then a statement of, "I've wondered about some stuff too." A prompt on my part, and the truth came out, that my cousin is also gay! I was surprised, elated, so happy, both for him and for me! I mean, how crazy is it that as I'm coming out, he comes out to me as well?

As a Christian, I firmly believe that God occasionally gives a sign to those who need one, and from my view, if that wasn't one, I don't know what is. So, empowered by a fantastic turn of events, I took my above post and dumped the whole kit and kaboodle onto my myspace page as a blog entry. Of course, since this was a Saturday afternoon and I was actually online for once, I got bombarded by all sorts of people that wanted to chat, and I told them all.

The final tally for the day of taking the shotgun to the lock on the closet door... One gay cousin, one possibly lesbian friend from high school, several supporters, and one crazy Indian that promises he will remain my crazy Indian friend. And, alas, the bruised spirit of a very sweet friend of mine from high school that had a far bigger crush on me than I had suspected. She understood, and supports me, since that's what friends do, but I know I made her genuinely sad, and I don't like doing that to people. I know it was for the best that I told her before anything more developed in our friendship, but I still feel like I crushed her noble spirit in some regards...

So now, a good portion of my friends know... In a couple of weeks when I'm at my parents' for the Easter weekend, they'll know. Parents, but more the rest of the family, will be the next challenge, I suspect...

 

You know, I've been thinking that same thing these past few days, and believe me or not, it actually gets more unbelievable... Honestly though, it's just been a whirlwind, almost scary how quickly it's been going. One day, I'm trying to tell myself I'm not gay, and a week later, I can't count the people that know I'm gay on one hand!

Speaking of which, an update... Sorry, it's a bit longer than I thought it would be...

Tuesday, March 28
At work, I work with a lot of different people in various capacities and for various things, but in reality, in my area there are only a few of us, my supervisor (a late 40s male happily married with storybook children), a 23-year-old female, and Val, a 47-year-old female who, in many respects, is like a second mother, and of course me, a 25-year-old male who's finally accepted that he's gay. Given that we all work pretty closely together, we all know each other really well, and we all get along really well. As part of that, we all trust each other very much, as well, since we're almost like a family in some regards. So, Tuesday as Val and I were walking out of the building, I decided to tell her that I was gay. One of the interesting things I'm finding now that I've come out to people is that it's getting easier every time. Unlike with the first couple of people I told, there was no stammering and no trembling, but I would be a flat-out liar if I said I wasn't nervous. But, I told.

Her response? "So?" followed by the briefest of pauses. "This doesn't change anything. I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me something like that, but you know what? I'm still going to tease you about having kids someday. Honestly, what would everyone say if I quit teasing you about that now that I've been doing it for so long?" And that was it.

As I type this, it's actually a couple of days later, and I've actually been having a few doubts, wondering if coming out, and as quickly as I have, was a good idea or not. But, as quickly as my mind would spark with doubt, I would just as quickly realize that I did not only what I had to do, but also what I think I had subconsciously wanted to do for longer than I realize. Perhaps it's that tinge of "buyer's remorse," that completely baseless period of self-doubt that anyone who's made a major purchase knows so well, but I suspect it's more related to the fact that these past couple of weeks have been, like mnguy so correctly noted, very movie-like, and in many regards, almost aetherial, dreamlike. Now, it's still utterly amazing to me how much more in-sync I feel with the world, and how much more comfortable I feel around everybody, male and female, and of course, with myself. I fully realize in my mind and feel in my soul that my doubts are completely unfounded and baseless, and I know that they will pass. All in all, I am still filled with the confidence I expressed earlier that no matter what, I will be better for doing this! :icon_smil

Of course, I will continue to update this, as I still have the family to tell! I thank you all for your support, as it's been invaluable!

 

As I continue along this crazy journey, I am beginning to wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Like I said a few days ago, I knew my self-doubts were just the odd tinge of buyer's remorse (heck, I had the same doubts after I bought my car), and this weekend served as proof.

And, that little blurb can serve as a lead in to what is mostly just a filler entry leading into the Easter weekend...

Saturday, March 31
The latter part of the preceeding week went by pretty quietly. I told a couple more of my friends on Friday night, and they too demonstrated the qualities of any true friend, showing themselves to be accepting and supportive. Like I mentioned before, it seems like every time I tell someone, it gets easier and I get more confident.

Friday night, I also happened to get a call from my mom. My parents live about 2 1/2 hours away from me in the rural farming-based community where I grew up, so my mom was calling me to tell me that they were going to be in my area on Saturday. Apparently, my younger cousins had tickets to a kids' day with the Detroit Red Wings, and because my aunt and uncle weren't interested, my parents volunteered to take them. Of course, since we don't get to see each other that much, after the event, they were going to come to visit me for a bit, likely meaning going out to dinner.

Saturday came, and so did my parents, along with my ten and seven year old cousins. They really are good kids, but because my aunt and uncle never take them anywhere, they're also rambunctious and don't really understand how to behave in public. Since getting the call from my mother, I had been thinking about if it would be worth trying to tell them when they visited, and if so, when and how I would manage it. But, when they arrived, I knew instantly that it was not the time. Although they're still only in their 40s, my parents have been out of the kid-raising game for awhile now, as I'm an only child and I've been out of the house for several years now. Given that, they had their hands full dealing with the kids and were definately showing the signs of fatigue.

So, here I am, much in need of coffee and with this big topic to discuss with my parents, and I can't. Although the conversation only briefly drifted into my love life (my mom spotted a teddy bear I had been planning to give a female friend but hadn't had a chance to), I still felt like I was hiding, like I couldn't be myself. I know, it's incredibly self-centered, as I know it was taking every bit of energy they had to keep up with the kids, but it was still stressful. I've never before felt like I had to hide from anyone like that. Even as I had been pretty much sure I was gay and unwilling to admit it for a couple years and struggled before that, I never felt like I felt on Saturday.

I had said before that I plan to tell my parents when I get there for the Easter weekend, and I am far more certain of that now. Although it takes a tremendous amount of courage and fortitude to come out, especially that first time, I think it is preferable to do that than to invest the energy and heartache into living a double life. Like I said, Saturday served as the proof that my doubts about coming out were unfounded.

As always, I thank you all for the support and well-wishes. They really do mean so much! (&&&)

 

I'm positively tickled at the rave reviews you are all giving me! I'm just thrilled that this thread is working out so well. :icon_bigg Now I feel like I have standards to uphold or something. :icon_wink :eek:

And, much to my surprise, I actually have another update!

Monday, April 2
Shortly after I posted my last update, I realized that there were still two very important groups of friends that I hadn't had a chance to tell, mostly due to temporal and geographical issues. Like I mentioned before, I am a relocated spirit, finding residence in the hustle and bustle of the suburbs of Detroit, so in many senses, I have three sets of friends, my friends from this area, my friends from the area where I grew up, and my friends from college. Of course, it is absolutely unintentional that I have these different groups of friends, but alas, geography can be far more powerful than it would seem.

I have actually made several attempts to contact some of my friends from "back home" via instant messenger and things of that nature, but to date, they collectively have either not been online or have ignored messages. In truth, it makes me rather nervous. I know that we're all busy keeping up with the demands of our own lives, but to not return a simple hello seems rather rude to me. So, for the moment, I'm working under the theory that I'll tell them when convenience dictates.

In some regards, one could say that I've made several attempts to give my college friends the news, as well. For my college friends, it's really as easy as sending an email to the Yahoo group that we set up before we all left and letting all of the 'gang read... Or, so it would seem. Over the past couple of weeks, I actually sat down several different times to draft an email to send to people that, despite the fact that we hardly ever get to see each other, are some of my closest friends in the world. Yet, despite my ever-blossoming confidence, I just couldn't do it the first few times.

Admittedly, I tend to be a sort of non-email person. Sure, I use it at work all the time, and I understand that it's a marvel of our electronic age that allows us to communicate quickly and completely, but I tend to shy away from it for the most part, instead preferring more direct and interactive communication mediums. But, after the events of Saturday and typing up my last update, I realized that I hadn't yet sent, or even drafted, that email to my college friends, so after finishing my update here, I set myself to typing.

Despite the few emails I send, I check my email several times a day, and Monday morning was no exception. Not unexpectedly, I found a reply from one of my friends, but as I read his note, I was not expecting to read what I was reading. Indeed, a second person close to me was revealing themselves to me! I was just blown away! I mean, I would have never dreamed that my coming out would reveal one, let alone two, possibly three others to me. From what I read in his email, he was getting to that state where he was still trying to figure things out in some regards, but wanted to come out with it, also. So, I replied to his email with the warmest regards and a bit of advice that seemed appropriate, and of course, the promise that I was more than willing to support in whatever capacity I can. I also mentioned these wonderful forums as a great resource to check out.

By this morning (I'm typing this on Tuesday), I was beginning to get a bit anxious. I was figuring I'd see a reply, yet there wasn't one. For the record, I tend to be a pretty direct person, so as I thought back to the email I sent, I got very worried that I had, as is my fashion sometimes, been just that bit too direct and had made things worse in what seemed to be a fragile situation. Accordingly, I sent another email this morning, apologizing if I had spoken out of line or if I had been off base. Thankfully, by the time I got to work, I had an email from my friend waiting for me, thanking me for my honesty and support.

This evening when I got home, I came on here to see what was new and add this update. As I was reading the new posts, I happened to spot a very familiar screenname with an introduction and a few new posts. Yep, my friend is on here as a member now, and from subsequent conversations and my knowledge of him and his fortitude, I know he's going to be just fine. And, I have another gay friend!

Like I said before, I thank you all for your compliments and support! I'm actually finding myself becoming proud of being gay, something I would have never dreamed could happen a few short weeks ago, and the support of friends and this site deserve so much credit for that!

 

Bravo and congratulations!!! :eusa_danc :eusa_danc It feels right, doesn't it, to just get it done and finally get to be you? I hope everything has and does go swimmingly for you! (*hug*)