Coming out, a challenge

Hey there,

New guy here, I have been reading a lot posts about what to do and how to properly say things. So I hope this little rant about my life, and me coming out to a few best friends is okay.

I’m really also coming here to receive some advice, that is going to help me out in the long run. I am currently 19 years old; I have been out of high school for two years and will be attending University in Toronto in the fall. For myself I have never had a sexual relationship with a female, and because of that my family and friends either think I am asexual or gay/bi.

I think I have realized that I like guys to some extent since I was in the forth grade, and until recently (like these past few weeks) I just haven’t accepted it. I have always been way more attracted to guy’s bodies and personalities; yet have never really had any guy friends. I was always made fun of because I hung out with all the gorgeous girls that all the guys wanted to date and be with, because of this I was always labeled as gay. I was bullied for years, and just always ignored it and tried my best to focus on other things such as school, traveling, and working. I used these as a ploy to keep me sane.

It wasn’t until the 10th grade that I began to make guy friends, and the stigma of “this guy is gay” stuck around, but honestly the bullying stopped and I just (at the time) hated school, like any kid does (but looking back on it now, it was the best time of my life and I miss it so much.) Throughout my entire life, I have frequently had people ask or assume that I am gay, a good-looking masculine guy that has never had a girlfriend or done anything sexual. I think I have a great personality, however I am extremely introverted and have a very hard time making and keeping friends. I dress fairly preppy and not at all feminine.

A bit of background on my family (we are all basically Atheists, myself an Agnostic Atheist,) my father is military (tough, not caring, emotionally unstable and now suffers or is enhanced through more then enough pain with his PTSD) him and my mother divorced when I was finishing up the 5th grade. My brother is 5 years older then I, and we don’t have a lot in common other then video games, movies, and food. My father has said some mean, inappropriate and disturbing comments towards LGBT people in the past few years. My brother when we were younger always teased me and made fun of me, my name rhymes with dick pretty easily, so that stuck with me for a while. Lately my brother has been asking “how my boyfriend is” to the point that his girlfriend even asks the same thing to me. For my mother, her family is Christian but I don’t think she really cares. To be honest I haven’t seen my mother in almost 6 years other then a few occasions, and we hardly talk.

May/June/July 2013 I decide to test the waters and try out some hookup applications on my phone, I met one guy that I still talk to today though nothing ever happened between us, he is now one of my closest friends. I was able to tell him everything, be myself, and just enjoy life. For the time being… I finally hookup with a guy, probably three or four times in total, it all went good and allowed me to realize “okay Joseph94, you really do like guys” however I knew I could never be with this guy because neither of us are out at this point. I told him that we would never be together and it basically killed him, I told him that I would always be his friend but he hardly talks to me anymore. It was just nice having somebody that actually cared about me, and for the first time I stopped wanting to end my life or hurt myself. However after we stopped seeing each other I got pretty bad again.

I have many “real life” gay/bi friends, one of whom is fairly feminine and over the top. However he has always known that I am “gay/bi” apparently his gaydar is pretty good. Let me start by saying in the last two years my anxiety and depression has risen to the point that I have almost ended it multiple times or self harmed, and had no one to talk to.

September 22, 2013 was one of those nights, my friend was out drinking at a wedding and I told him how I felt, he finally just told me to tell him what exactly is the problem. So after writing a three-paragraph text message I explain that I liked guys. He told me “so I already knew that, anything else?”

Be telling him I almost went into an anxiety/panic attack because I was so scared. However since I have told him; I am actually able to be myself around him, talk about guys, send him pictures of cute guys and just be really good friends, even though he is a way over the top for me and I can only handle his personality for so long.

February 7th 2014 I couldn’t take it anymore, after reading EC for the past few days and bawling my eyes out to most of the stories, experiences and what not. I finally told my three best male friends.

B. Response
“You’re fine. <3”
“If you need a place see me or my parents <3” *I told him that I might get kicked out if I ever tell my father because that is just the kind of person he is.*
“My parents really would take you in”
“It shouldn’t happen *getting kicked out* he’s your dad. <3 Parents are loving and understanding. Intimidating as it can be. Also you can always talk to me <3. “

After some back and forth conversations, he gets all jokers on me

“Yea. I’m sure it’ll be okay, and you can hit on me all you want ”
“We’re pals for good so you are stuck with me ”

One down – Two to go

K. Response
“Hey man, no problems from me! It’s good that you’re coming out! We all have your back if you need us man, as I’m sure B. and M. wont have any issues with it ”
“Heartcha bro”

M. Response

*Damnit I deleted our conversation but this is basically how it went*

“Joseph94, I really could care less”
“Like I said before if you do get kicked out, myself B. and K. will always have a bed or couch for you to sleep on, we love you man”
“But seriously I have no problem with this, as long as you don’t start hitting on me”

Well my three closest friends who all live over an hour away now know. This was a huge step for me, but I still have a long journey ahead. I planned out a letter to give to my brother explaining everything that I am bi, and that I hope he still accepts me, and that sometimes his comments he makes towards me being “gay” have hurt but I still love him, blah blah blah. I was going to give it to him on the 7th as well, but I got too scared and couldn’t do it.

I told my brother in the letter that I have no idea how I am going to tell my father, and that hopefully if my brother supports me that he can help me through this challenge. I still have a few best friends (girls) to tell, which I’m probably going to break their hearts because all 4 of them actually really like me, and one I went to high school prom with wanted me to date her/marry her… Ooops.

I’m still learning a lot about myself, I still have yet to have a sexual or even nonsexual relationship with a female, and only have hooked up with two guys so far now. I’m pretty sure I know I like guys more, I still find and think females are super attractive, and I wouldn’t mind having sexual experiences with them. However I don’t think I can emotionally connect to females, or could ever marry one. I just think I get along with guys better and that we somehow connect, as strange as that sounds.

Sorry for such a long rant, and explanation… Now I am just rambling but hopefully in the coming weeks/months I will be able to update this post to reflect either a positive or negative situation that comes out of telling the rest of my family and friends. Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading, all of this and if you have any idea’s/advice etc that would benefit me. That would be amazing.

 

Thanks! Seeing as he probably can already guess that I am gay/bi I don't think he would out me. Hopefully I can have his support telling my father, but unless I tell him to tell other people I don't see him doing that. He can be an idiot at times, but he wouldn't hurt me like that. I hope not :/

Plus I would wait for my family/extended family until I tell my father and the dust clears because that is going to be explosive I can already tell. Like I said I'm already worried about getting kicked out of my house... I know I leave for school in the fall, but I don't want to wait too long to tell him.

 

Unfortunately he is not paying for school, but what he does "control me with" of lately is living in his house rent free etc. So that is why I am so worried about getting kicked out. I read a few of your back story posts and feel bad for you that is just awful If you are going to have children you should respect them and accept them no matter what, religion etc shouldn't be involved in this. Support should be 100%.

 

Thanks means a lot

 

Exactly, agreed. I wish and hope one day that guys or girls will be able to come home with somebody of the same sex and tell their family/friends that they love them and everybody should respect them and move on. The same way "straight people" come home and no questions are asked.

I'm going to try and get my brother alone sometime soon (in the next few weeks) and tell him and see how that goes. Getting it off of my chest with my first three friends was amazing.

 

February 11th, 2014 So I told my girl, best friend one of the ones that had a crush on me. She's super happy and said that nothing can be said about this situation because nothing changes and she supports me 100%. So that's good, next brother/father and a few more friends.