Exposed my secret to my two best friends.. hard part still remains unexposed

First, let me say thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am 23 years old, living just outside of New York City. I am gay, and have identified myself as gay since I was in the 9th grade; though, ever since the 6th grade, I always knew that I was much different than the other boys my age. Don't get me wrong, I come across as (in my opinion) a normal, everyday guy. I wear the same clothes that most other guys my age wear. I watch the same baseball and football games that most other guys my age watched. But something was always different. Something always kept me socially separated from my other male peers, ever since middle school.

I publicly denied being gay all throughout high school, and then college. I tried to date a few girls just to end the suspicions of my friends. Nothing really went quite so well, so when I graduated from college last May (2007), I ended eight years of highschool and college life with two simple dates and nothing to show for it. I've literally spent the past month reading the coming out stories of others, and it really saddens me that I was so caught up in trying to satisfy the expectations of others that I never took a moment to set myself in the right direction to satisfy my own self. In a five months, I will turn 24, and in all likelihood, I will do so without ever having gone out on a date with a guy like I have wanted to do since I was in 9th grade.

So here's the coming out part. My two best friends are actually two brothers. I went to a high school that had under 100 kids in my graduating class, so everyone knows everyone. So my best friend was always hanging out with his younger brother, and I often tagged along. Soon, we became very close friends, all three of us. To make a long story short, I ended up going to college with the older brother, let's call him Tim. Tim and I are the same age. Apparently, as he says, he's known for three years that I was gay. He always said that I am very "in touch with my feelings" and a very "flamboyant person." He said I am a masculine person overall but have very feminine movements sometimes. His brother, let's call him Louis, agrees. For the past two years, they'd always tell me that "dude, you're gay." I would always strongly deny this to them. Then, the other day, we were playing xbox 360 and they were talking about my flamboyancy. I wanted so badly to tell them that "yes, I am flamboyant, and I like guys!." But I didn't. Then Louis was telling me "dude, you really are flamboyant, and its really okay." So after trying to change the subject several times, I led them into the question. I said that I would tell them anything they wanted to know. They immediately asked if I was gay. I stumbled for several seconds, and then said "yeah, yes I am." And they responded by saying "now doesn't that feel like someone took a huge dump off your chest." And it really did.

The next thing I have to do is figure out how to tell my parents. My mother will be okay with it - disappointed, but okay with it. But my father won't say anything, but deep down he will resent it. I didn't know him much growing up, and he will probably "blame" himself for some of it. But deep down, I think (and hope) that the love they have for me will stay the same. I just know that it is going to make everything feel awkward. Both of my teenaged neighbors are in steady (straight) relationships, and my father always reminds me that "those were the days." They would never tell me, but once I come out, I know they will forever think in the back of their mind that I am keeping this family from being a "normal" family. I just have to find the right time to tell them, and right now, I do not know when that will come. My best friends (Tim and Louis) have half-offered to tell them for me. They kind of envisioned me chickening out and them coming over, kind of like in Juno when she told her parents she was pregnant, and telling them for me more or less. I just do not know what to do. Have Tim and Louis tell them for me, email them, leave a note before going to work, or just tell them myself. I have a strong enough relationship (especially with my mom) that it would be insulting to email or write a note, so I kind of have to do it in person. I just don't know what the best time and setting to do it in would be. Any insight or advice would be more than appreciated. I bet my fellow community members on here can relate to how hard this is for me.

Thanks again, and again I'm sorry for the length of this post.

 

Thanks all for your comments - really, very much appreciated! As Asteroid said, I do not feel too much push to come out to my parents just yet. But then again, I am 23 years old and single, haven't had a boyfriend yet. Since I live at home with my parents, I see it as me having two options, since living at home and having a boyfriend *may* work, but I don't think it would be a comfortable option.

First, I could put my focus on finding a boyfriend (not just a one- or two-date thing, but an actual person whom I love and who loves me back), and finding a place of my own. Then, once everything is set, I come out to my parents and give just a little distance to the situation.

Or second, I could put my focus on coming out to my parents and family, and put finding a boyfriend on the back burner. Ultimately, I would like to find my own place within the next year. But something tells me that I just won't feel comfortable having a boyfriend and living in the same house as my parents.

Here's the deal on my parents. My mother will be far more open and accepting than my father. She will say she loves me, and will ultimately stand behind me. But in the back of her mind (I know how she operates), she will be looking at everything differently, but never admit it. My father on the other hand, I doubt would want to kick me out of the house, but it would definitely put some *more* distance between us. And he would view me as a disappointment, though I doubt he'd tell me as much.

Ideally, I would just find a place of my own, find a boyfriend, and not have to worry about coming out to my parents and family. But I fear that while my coming out may cause some tension, my failure to come out and then have an unexpected discovery without me coming forth beforehand, could tear apart the family.

Sorry for the length of this post, too! Does anyone notice a trend Any advice is greatly appreciated. So many people on these forums seem so happy, I just want to get there myself!

 

Thanks again, all. This past week has been a real roller coaster. I've seen the two best friends I came out to (two brothers) twice this past week, and it seems as if nothing has changed, which is *WONDERFUL*! We were actually watching a movie last night, and one of them said how hot this one woman was - later on, she had a baby and there was blood everywhere. I get very squeemish about the mere thought of three things: boobs, vaginas, and blood. And there were all three within a minute or two. And oh how good it felt to not have to pretend to be fascinated with the woman's body.

Since my parents were down the hall, I actually, for the first time, threw in a small joke about my, umm, gayness LOL. I said "thank god I will never have to see that in real life." My two friends just laughed it off. Great night!

I am so happy that things are unchanged between my two best friends that I really want to reveal my secret to my parents ASAP. But I can't get over this fear that everything will change for the better. My father was never really around when I was younger, but when I was in high school, he became more of a figure, although was never a very good role model. But he did come back for me. We have never been really close, and I just don't want him to view everything he's done in raising me as a failure, or to see me as a failure. And I don't want to break my mother's heart.

But then again, something in my gut tells me that my coming out may not be all that much of a surprise. I am 23 and never had a girl friend, I do not have the types of posters you would expect late teen and early 20's straight guys to have, and I have always been very comfortable hanging out with my friends who are girls. I just want to go outside and SCREAM!!!

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time out to talk to me. I have now officially spent six hours collectively today reading through all kinds of posts, and this community seems just down right awesome. I think I am going to be much more active here. Time to continue out of my shell!!

Thanks again all!!!!

 

Do you think this is really an indication of my orientation? I am just trying to figure out why my gut is telling me that my parents won't be surprised... but rather will just be disappointed when I confirm their suspicions.

Aww, thank you :smilewave