I went to my moms a while ago to tell her about being FtM. Despite wanting to badly, I couldn't. Even after 2 weeks, I couldn't. So I wrote this in a journal I have as part of my new year's resolutions... .Begin Ftm Journey -Tell Mom about being Transgender -See Gender therapist -Have the willing call me Daniel -Start T -Pass as male in public If I had only remembered it....wa I woke up the next day, not knowing what had been going on the night before. My mom was in the kitchen, finishing up her breakfast I think and J, her husband, was in the backroom on Facebook. Since there really wasn't much to do and I don't eat breakfast I turned the tv to Dr. Phil and started working on my Dad's blanket. After a few minutes my mom comes out and sits on the other couch in front of me. After a little bit I feel her looking at me, but when I look up she turns and starts watching tv. This happens twice. Now my mom is normally really chatty and social, but also tends to not feel to well because of chronic migraines. So I figure she's just feeling bad and ask if she's feeling okay. She doesn't look at me but says fine, though I could tell there was something not right. So I grab my yarn ball and blanket and sit next to her and ask if everything was alright again and If she felt sick. She turns to me and says, you tell me... ...I don't have a clue. I try telling her that I don't know what's wrong, but she keeps telling me to think about it. I still don't know and can't think of anything I could have done. She asks me if there's anything I wanted to tell her, maybe the reason I'd come over, and I suddenly freeze. She knew... I ask how she found out, but she tells me not to worry about that, and what that shit's about. I start freaking out, asking her how she found out and stuff, but eventually tell her simply, I want to be a guy. Well that didn't go over well. Without wasting a second she says, your not, your a girl, and I say I don't feel like one and we go back and forth with that for a while. Me: I know, but I don't feel like a girl. Mom: But you are one. Me: No, I know, but I don't identify as one, i've always seen myself as a guy. Mom: You're a girl, that's the way you were born! Me: But....I see myself as a guy. I am one- I want to be a guy. Mom: Your a girl though! I couldn't even think. I told her that I had something all planned but I didn't know what to say then since I don't prepare for this. She tells me that I'm not a guy again, but this time because I never said anything about it and, her words not mine, people like me like to flaunt that stuff. I tell her not everyone, and I've wanted this since I was 12 and that I didn't tell her because we hardly tell each other anything. And when we do, not anything big because I'm afraid of how she'll react. She ignores that though and asks if I'm just saying this because I'm a lesbian and want people to think i'm normal. I tell her no, I like guys and that gets her really confused. She says then why not just be a girl and then tells me if I lose weight (I'm 160) I could be a pretty girl and all the boys would go after me and that no one would want me if I was trans. I try telling her it's not about being a pretty girl and it's not about getting guys to like me. It's about how I feel and how I see myself. I couldn't care less if I was a hot girl and my weight isn't the problem. It's others seeing me different than I see myself. If I was a lesbian I would be fine with being a girl. She starts getting angry and says she would never call me Daniel and would never acknowledge me as being a guy and then goes to blaming my Dad, saying that he and my grandma influenced me to much and if I'd lived with her I would be girly. And I just got it in my head that I wanted to be a guy and was confused and didn't know what I wanted because I haven't been a girl yet and don't date. She asks then if my Dad knew and I told her yeah, I told him when I was 18 and he accepted right away. She though that was weird he'd do that without questioning me. And then I accidentally let it slip that my dad's girlfriend knew.... and she freaked out. She said she couldn't believe I'd betray her like that, even though I tried to explain I needed to practice and get advice before I told her, so this whole thing wouldn't have had to happen like it was. She just keeps saying wow and won't look at me. Suddenly J walks in and asks what's all the whispering about and my mom tell him you'll never believe what my daughter said and ask me to tell him. I start sobbing... My mom eventually yells, "She wants to be a man!" He doesn't really know what to say and wanders around for a while and then comes back and asks how long I've felt like this and I tell him ever since I was 12. He starts walking around and then asks are you sure and my mom screams what, you can't be serious. He and her argue back and forth about listening to what I have to say, and I tell him everything i've told her so far and he seems more accepting... Until we get to the part of me liking guys. He asks if this means I wan't to date girls and I say no and then things start going down hill. He asks whats the point then and I say i'm not into girls and I want to be with guys. And he says that won't work the way I want it because straight guys wont like me because I look like a guy and gay guys won't like me because I'm...Lacking... And I tell him that doesn't matter to me right now, it's not about that, it's about the way I see myself. He asks if I want to get surgery and I say not right away, I do want to get testosterone, but not surgery right away. He asks what I want to do and my mom reads off the list I had made, I had apparently left it on the couch and she read it later that night, and J says I can't do all that because it's too much. He says that they just found out and its a lot to take in, I say I know I didn't mean that they had to just suddenly accept me, that I just wanted it to get out there so they would know how I felt and what I wrote were just what I might try doing and I wan't planning on doing everything. Mom suddenly comes in telling me people won't like this and J agrees and then mom says the family won't know what to do... And that there aren't any fags in the family... J gets upset and tells her not to talk like that, but she says it's true and then goes into the whole it' a sin thing and i'm going to hell because god made me a girl and I was supposed to be for some reason and when I got to the gates I'd have to explain why I did what I did and see if, I felt like a guy, goes over well. J asks if I though this through and I say yes, I had been planning what to say, but l didn't plan on this happening and don't know how to put it. He says being a guy is harder and people won't treat me the same, and that staying a girl would be easier. Before I could talk though they both start listing off reasons why this is a bad idea .No one will want me .I may regret it later (I said I though about that most and was sure I wouldn't) .I wouldn't be convincing because I'm to girly (I'm really not) .It'll make me fatter .Guys will beat me up I try telling them I though about all this stuff and while I did have my doubts when I was younger, was sure I knew what I wanted to do. J suddenly asks me what kind of guy i'll be. I don't know what to say, so I say i'll be me. And he says "so you'll be a lazy fat guy?" That threw me back. I don't really say anything... He then says he doesn't think I'm trans because, once again, I wasn't girly growing up and apparently don't know what it's like being a girl... He says that if I slimmed down, acted like a girly-girl for a while, and did some stuff like that after a while he might consider believing me, but right now just didn't know. I admit losing weight would be good, but say that it isn't holding me back and I don't feel bad. J says that's just something people say to make themselves feel better. My mom agrees. I don't agree, but I keep my mouth shut. He says he wants me to be happy and not to end up regretting it later. Then that was pretty much the end of that. My mom went in the kitchen and he said he was proud of me. I asked for what and he said for admitting how I felt and not trying to lie to get out of telling and I say thanks, though I was hurt by what he said and very unhappy with how unprepared I was. I thought it was over but me and my mom talked about it later on the way to the store. She said i'll have to change my personality to be a guy, I say I don't have to, and mom says the'll know right away i'm "faking it" and that I don't act enough like a guy for them to believe me or sound like one. I say that there isn't any wrong way to be a guy or girl and she kind of laughs and says yeah right. I also say taking testosterone will help with that. She then says she wants to talk with me and my dad later about it. But knows I'll change my mind... I'm hoping to do better next time. I have been planning on what to say now that I have a taste of what's coming. She hasn't changed my mind, I know who and what I am. I just hope I can get her to see me like a son.
It sounds like you know who you are and what you want, so go for it! It's nice to have parental support, but this is who you are. Something that will never change even if they want it to. I think starting T before transitioning is the best way to go. That way they'll get used to the idea of you now being a man, but you'll be easing into it. Just don't let them get you down. Anger is an emotion to cover up something deeper, like hurt or sadness I suggest starting gender therapy right away and maybe take your mom there. She can get lots of information on it and it may open her mind! I hope things get better. Parents can be so hard sometimes.
Whenever I see posts like this the ignorance just angers me. There's no excuse these days. I'm very sorry for your moms reaction. I always hated when my mom would know something but not come out and say it... its like, "cut the crap and say what you have to say; ask what you want to ask". Its probably why its really difficult for me to mince words. I detest BS. I hope it gets easier for you and that you have a network of others that are more supportive. So happy your dad supports you. (*hugs*)
At least you know what you're doing. Eventually they'll come around- they have to or risk losing you (which no one would want-you seem pretty chill) Good luck!
