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From the other side: A mother's story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by beckyg, Mar 29, 2007.

  1. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    I knew my son was different from a very early age. At 2, he would rather be cooking at his play kitchen than play shooting games or pushing cars on the floor. I remember for his 5th birthday, one of his aunts bought him a toy Jeep. I was quite preturbed with her that she didn't know him better because I knew he would never play with that. He was very creative. He was always drawing, doing his school workbooks. or some other studious project. He was always very caring and compassionate. When he was around 9 or 10, he would take his great-grandmother for walks holding her hand so she would get her daily excercise. He even would help her bandage the lesions on her leg that she had from skin cancer. This was a hard task to stomach even for caring adults. My son only went on one date with a girl and that was a required Honor Society dance in middle school. There were times especially in high school that I wondered if he were gay and then I would push it far out of my mind because of course, no parent wants their child to be gay. When my son started college, he started having alot of anxiety and depression. I wondered if it was just the transition from moving from high school to college. He had always had difficulty with transtitions. It was at that time, that we arranged counseling. The first counselor didn't do well at all with him. We gave up on that. On Martin Luther King Day 2003, my son did exactly what I would do in a potentially confronational situation, he sent an e-mail. :icon_bigg He told his Dad, myself, and his sisters that he was gay. All of a sudden, it dawned on me why he had been so upset. I told my son I loved him and nothing would ever change that. I did say, however that I was sad that he could not get married or have children. He assured me that he wanted kids and he could adopt. My husband was a bit more confused and upset. He didn't get mad at our son but this was just something he didn't quite understand. After all, he was part of a fundamentalist church that taught the "sins" of homosexuality yet he knew in his heart that this was not "chosen" by our son. The very next day my son was ready to tell his grandparents. (my parents) My Dad has been known to be very bigoted about alot of things in the past. He has been compared to Archie Bunker in the '70's sitcom All in the Family is any of you have ever seen that very old comedy. That was what sent me into panic mode. I wasn't ready for that but I let him do it anyway. My dad told my son he would love him no matter what and would always be his "favorite grandson". Believe me, if my Dad can love and accept a gay grandson, anybody can. Both he and my mom had a hard time but both are coming around slowly but surely.

    I just want to tell all of you that have not yet come out, to not underestimate the power of love. We've all heard the horror stories of coming out stories where people weren't accepted but I actually think those are pretty rare. With some education, support and love your family members can accept this too. We all have the right to live our authentic lives. That is what makes us truly happy. Live yours. Oh and one more thing.......tell your parents about PFLAG! :slight_smile: www.pflag.org
     
  2. travelingtHom

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    First off, it's so nice to hear from a mother. Mothers are wonderful gifts that have powerful insight into their children, especially boys. I haven't come out to my parents, but I would like to in the near future. I'm pretty sure my mom already knows, considering I never talk about girls. If we do start talking about being gay or girls, I quickly change the subject. My mom told me that she'll love me no matter what, which kind of surprised me since she is incredibly Christian. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
     
  3. ampthejazz

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    Thank you for sharing your story. You're a wonderful mom. :slight_smile:
     
  4. mnguy

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    When I read your story, some of it sounded so familiar to me. It was almost like certain scenes were from my life. Other parts, however, are currently only a dream to me.

    If more people were like you, all people could get married and there would be no prohibitions against adoption by gay couples. Maybe then the people of this country would start to put its money and effort toward more humanitarian efforts.

    Thank you for being such an amazing mom!! Your son is one lucky kid! :thumbsup:
     
  5. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    I feel like I'm the lucky one, but thank you! I work hard everyday to help parents grow from acceptance to advocates.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi Becky! Thanks so much for all of your postings in here. They are always insightful and supportive and I'm sure a real comfort to some of the younger readers.

    In my situation - I'm in the process of separating from my wife at the age of 35 - I'm becoming more and more comfortable / accepting of the fact that I'm gay. What is interesting is that the thought of telling my parents and family is the most scary for me. While I know that they love me and always will, that they are already sad about what is happening in my life, and that they will continue to be completely supportive - I just can't yet imagine telling them.

    I know that eventually I will - but I'm not going to set any kind of timetable, it has to be when I'm ready.

    But I wanted to say that whether you're 15 or 35 (or even 55!), your parents might be the hardest people to tell, despite the fact that they are likely the people that love you more in this world than anyone else. We all need to put some trust in that fact.
     
  7. mnguy

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    What a deep thought... I wanted to write something about the plausible theme that Jim describes, but I couldn't add anything to what he said. But it got me to thinking. How many of you think that your parents will accept you after finding out that you're gay?

    I'll start the vote.

    I think my parents will accept me and do their best to treat me as well as they always have. Maybe we'll be even closer in years to come. (*hug*)
     
  8. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    It doesn't matter how old we are, we are still afraid to tell our parents certain things. Recently we had a man at PFLAG who told his brother he was gay but still hadn't gained the courage to tell his parents. Meanwhile, his brother had gone off to get a tatoo. He warned his gay brother not to tell his parents about that! LOL
     
  9. geoking66

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    You're such a great mum. I wish my parents were as accepting (they do love me, but it's a very tense relationship).
     
  10. Legore

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    That almost made me cry reading that, us pacific north westeners sure know how to do things! My mom took it pretty well also when I decided to tell her I was bisexual, I have always known. I came to terms with it in the 7th grade but came out of the closet when I was a Sophmore in Highschool. It is VERY refreshing to hear a positive responce to someone coming out of the closet, espesially when it is right from the source. I am a board member of my schools Gay-Straight Alliance, and this is what we aim for, acceptence and love, that is all it is about. My mom is very simalar to you yourself Beckyg
    she wants to get involved in our regins PFLAG and she is even considering speaking at a GSA meeting. My school has an amazing GSA of about 50-60 students, thhe bigest GSA in South West Washington.

    Thank you so much for your story, it made my day to read.
     
  11. crimsonarcher

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    talk about great parenting!
     
  12. Revan

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    I wish you could help my parents Becky. I once tried coming out to them two years ago, of course I had just recently come out to myself at the time so it was harder to defend myself, but it didn't go as planned. I wrote a letter to them and they confronted me about it. When paving the driveway an hour later my mom asked me if I could see myself kissing a boy and I told her "I don't know". She began to almost cry and told me she couldn't have me in the house ruining her reputation in the city as the gay son and told me she'd take me wherever just as long as it was out of the house. I packed my bags and thought I was about to leave but she stopped me as she was talking to her parents (my grandparents) and well eventually the day ended with me telling her I wanted the toned body structure of a guy not to actually be with guys. I'm sure she still realizes I'm gay but just can't confront me about it. She will make references to the gay thing but never actually ask if I'm gay. But I'm pretty sure that if she thought I wasn't gay she wouldn't still be talking about the topic. I'm going to be coming out in June and have contacts with the closest PFLAG chapter who has offered to come and talk when I need help with Mom and Dad. But all I can do is hope and pray. I know that I'm not going to be truly happy until I come out. My last relationship actually ended with me breaking up with him because I was going through a depression that I think partially came from my constant lying to my parents about where I was going. (Of course I eventually also didn't really feel that special feeling with him, it was more just kissing but no passion from me.) So that's my story and I might post this on another place too in this site. Sorry for wasting space in your topic Becky, I just had to get it out....
     
  13. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    I'm so sorry your parents reacted this way. Maybe by now they've had some time to think about it some more. I'm happy you've contacted PFLAG. They can get you some good resources to give to your parents. I hope they eventually attend a meeting. Let us know how it's going. You have friends here.
     
  14. thommthomm

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    Thank you so much for that...It was a beautiful post!! I'm sure it will help those who have not come out yet to have faith and patience! They also get the opportunity to get a parents point of view, where they'll get the courage they need to come out in general!!:thumbsup: (&&&) :eusa_clap
     
  15. Lava421

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    Thank you for sharing, being open minded, and being inspirational. I mean it. :slight_smile:

    I hope everything goes great with your son.
     
  16. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    You are welcome and thank you! :slight_smile:
     
  17. kevinx519

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    wow. that was a wonderful story. and i know its been repeated so many times but i cant help saying it, you really are a beautiful mother. reading this story has helped me reassure myself that my parents will still love me when i come out to them.