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Ohdear.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Andeh, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. Andeh

    Andeh Guest

    So I told my mom a while ago about my being gay. Sort of. No, I really didn't tell her much of anything at all. I'm ashamed that I lied, but I said that I was bisexual. I guess I was telling her to early, wasn't comfortable enough with it, and messed up. I even said I was more so straight than homosexual. I don't know why I did, but I did, and I've really regretted it. What my mom said after only made me regret my words even more. She said it in one of her goofy tones "Well, you know, I would prefer it if you were..." I don't remember the last word, or I'm denying the actual fact of what my mom said next was the word "Straight."

    None of my aunts and uncles (There's a lot of 'em. Less than ten, but a good amount.) have had children, or even gotten married. So I have no cousins, no other continuation to the family but myself. So, I don't think this was the side of my mom I knew best talking. Really, my mom's been both a friend and a mother growing up- I couldn't have asked for a better parent. I think this was her response to preserving the family, or something. But, I'll be able to adopt. I realize there are other options nowadays.

    The problem is, I really don't know how to go back to her and tell her that I'm gay. 100% gay. I know she'd be supportive. I know she'd still be the mother I always knew, and all that junk. But, for some reason, it's incredibly intimidating.

    Heck, I'm even beginning to suspect her of being bisexual. Why shouldn't I be comfortable with telling my mom, who might be bisexual herself? I know it's just me being my normal fearful and over-worrisome self. It seems like I understand this completely. Yet, I probably don't, but... It seems like there's something there blocking me from telling her, but at the same time there isn't. I feel like I'm asking a hopeless, even pointless question, but... Any tips on how to go about getting over this and just telling her?
     
  2. revolutionrock

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    I think that the idea of procreation/passing on the family name is hugely influential when coming out to the family. I think it's just human nature.

    I'm of the opinion that, while it might be a good idea to act sooner rather than later, one should always wait until the moment "feels" right. It seems like it makes everything less complicated (though, I am sure, no less nerve-wracking).

    :slight_smile:
     
  3. Leigh

    Leigh Guest

    id say you sit her down and tell her youve got something really important to tell her and then say everything you just wrote. you could even show her the thread!

    it must be scary, cus its a big thing. take your time.
     
  4. Andeh

    Andeh Guest

    Thanks to the both of you. It doesn't feel quite right for me to really tell her yet. I feel like I'm on the verge of it, though. Maybe I'll even be able to tell her in a week or so, maybe tomorrow. :3 Telling this to others has really helped.

    And, I probably will show her this thread one day, to give her a better understanding of how I felt.

    Thanks, again. ^^
     
  5. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    Congratulations on coming out to her so far - it's no mean feat admitting that you're not straight, even if you didn't go the whole hog and say that you were completely gay.

    You never know, your mother might actually suspect that actually you're completely gay. A positive thing about the scenario you're in is that you get to introduce the idea of you being gay slowly. Like how some people go through a period of not admitting they're gay but thinking they're bisexual, your failure to totally come out is kind of perhaps letting your mum go through the same process.

    That said, if you feel comfortable I would try and bring the conversation up again, and perhaps drop hints that actually you're gay. But I am also a believer in not doing anything until you're ready. I know it can be hard to come out to parents whatever their sexuality, or whatever you think they might think or even if you think their reaction will be good - it's just one of those things that is difficult whatever.

    But don't beat yourself up about the fact that you only half came out, but rather, even if you feel you cannot fully come out just yet think about what you have achieved: you've established that you're not straight. This is in itself a big step. Obviously, it would be good if you felt able to go up to her and explain to her the actual situation that would be good - whether tomorrow, in a week, or in a year or whenever - but focus on what you have achieved, not what you haven't, and you'll feel the better for it.

    I hope it goes well, and that you do manage to fully come out some time soon or whenever you're ready :slight_smile:
     
  6. ScentedRegrets

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    Hey there Andeh,

    First off, I want to say congratulations - just as CCDD said, it's no small feat admitting that you are not 100% straight.

    I wanted to tell you that you are in the same exact situation I am in. I only have a very few cousins, and I am an only child. If I do not have children or adopt, there is no one to carry on my immediate family. I was terrified that the news that I am gay (100% gay, like you had mentioned) will destroy her. I have been posting for a few days on here now about those feelings, and I wanted to reiterate a few things that I have learned, and really have come to agree with.

    First, you have to live your life. I know that may be hypocritical for someone who is in the closet as far as his parents are concerned to say. But you really do. I am 23 and I wasted the best years of high school and college hiding my sexuality. Now, I can never get those years back, and oh how much more fun they would have been had I put in the time and effort to find the boyfriend I so desperately wanted.

    Second, you do have to wait until you are comfortable. Sooner is better, but wait until you are comfortable admitting your sexuality. I know how you're feeling, you probably want to scream like me. I want to absolutely scream it out "I am gay, I love men" so badly, just once and for all, to get it over with. Eventually I will, and hopefully that comes soon.

    Third, I would advise you to first tell everyone you trust most. I told my two best friends. I was terrified that they would not want to hang out with me any longer, and I would be left with the occasional visit from a distant friend. To my pleasant surprise, they had long, long suspected I was gay. We joke about it today, and they are so cool with it. But the thing is, we have more meaningful conversations and do more fun things together ever since I broke the silence and told them. It sounds like you really trust your mother, you even say that she was a friend and a mother growing up. I feel the same way. So it seems that we both trust our mother. I strongly believe that your coming clean and telling her the truth will only strengthen your relationship, just as it did to my two best friends.

    In any case, I can't tell you how to proceed. You have to make that decision. I wish you the absolute best of confidence (you don't need luck, just have the confidence to do something really great and important for yourself). And I really want to know how it goes. Please send me a message if you would like to talk more.

    Matt
     
  7. Andeh

    Andeh Guest

    Well, thanks to everyone who posted here, I told her. I didn't really get the response from her I had hoped for, but it was entirely horrible, or really that bad at all. I guess she wasn't craving that family preserving thing. She was craving some sort of normalcy, as our life and our family has been abnormal. She cried a bit, and I just died inside. She didn't want me to deal with all the things that kinda come with the culture, like STDs and hateful people. She wanted me to get married, have kids, all that stuff, purely because she wanted some normalcy in both my and her life. She had watched something on TV about the gay culture, and I guess that said something about it she didn't quite like, making her even more scared about STDs. We discussed it for over an hour, but it was late, so we both went to bed after that.

    I feel a lot better after telling her, but I can't help but feel slightly regretful. I mean, she had to go to work in the morning, we wouldn't be able to immediately talk in the morning. So, when she gets back from work we'll talk more and I'll feel better about it.

    Thanks again to everyone who posted here - You've all helped me a lot with this. Yay internet. xD
     
  8. Lexington

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    Congrats on telling her. :slight_smile: You might check out the PFLAG material we have stickied in this section - they may come in handy. Do remind your mother that there IS no "gay culture". Yes, there are gay men who go clubbing and have lots of unprotected sex and catch STDs and whatever else. But then again, there are straight men who go to strip clubs every night to put their paychecks in the G-strings of erotic dancers. That's just as much "straight culture" as clubbing is "gay culture". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  9. Andeh

    Andeh Guest

    xD

    You're right, I'm sorry for assuming there was one, and I'll be sure to tell her that as soon as I can. Another thing I should have mentioned is that she herself felt responsible for myself being gay. That was most of the discussion, me trying to convince her otherwise and that I was just born that way.

    EDIT- Oh, yeah, I was going to look for some PFLAG stuff for her. Thanks!