It's only just starting ;-;

First off, you're braver than me. Second of all I hope at least you got it out of your system and off your chest. You should be feeling better now... At least somewhat.

And yes, it is difficult for parents to understand something that goes against what they knew your whole life. Your mom needs to think on it. If she loves you like she says she will figure it out and recognize she has a daughter now. She will need time to adjust, but don't you give up now. You got the hardest part out of the way, something I've never done, and I'm still working up the courage to tell my therapist (that's another story) then possibly my friend.

But I am so happy you at least did that. I stayed up just to let you know how proud I am and how proud others are of you for having the courage to be you.

You can always talk to me you know, I've been there for you since you joined and always will be.

I will eagerly await your story more tomorrow but I should get to bed.

(*hug*)

Sleep well sis.

 

Try and stay calm. We'll go through it slowly.

What you've just done was one of the scariest things I think it is possible to do. But you did it. Before anything else is said, I want to make sure that you are OK mentally.

Telling people this is really, really taxing. I remember when I told my mum and I was shaking so much I thought I would die. I got so angry I thought fire would come from my eyes. I was so upset I thought my brain would just give up and I'd die then and there. It can take so much out of you, so I ask you this before anything else.

Are you OK? As you know, you can message me about anything and if you need to talk your feelings through, you know where I am.

Now on to your mother.

Think about how you feel right now. Now try and remember how you have felt since you started questioning your gender. Now try and combine the two.

That's how your mum feels right now.

She doesn't understand it at all. Why would she? In all fairness YOU don't understand it completely, nor do I! This is a complex and deeply personal thing. Even if she'd been through it herself she wouldn't be able to understand how it affects you.

Right now, you need to get your head straight, and after that you need to learn balance.

Your mum can think it over and over and over, but if she has no information she will get nowhere.

Imagine I ask you to translate a vietnamese newspaper. Only I'm not going to teach you the language, nor will I have you a vietnamese-english dictionary or access to the internet. No matter how hard you try you will not translate it. You will need more information.

This is were balance comes in. You need to make sure your mum understands that if she doesn't know she needs to ask. You need to make sure she understands that it is important to you that she tries to understand it at least a little bit, because you want her to love her daughter as much as she loved her son. BUT know that every time you remind her, it will feel like its being pushed on her. It needs to be done, but she will most likely not appreciate it. Not yet.

Give her time, and ask her questions every so often.

As for the issue with the use of the word 'son' and 'child', it might help if you explain this to her.

When I had the same problem with my mum, I told her this.

If you try and go from 'son' to 'daughter' straight away, you are going to struggle. You don't know me as a girl yet. I don't look like a girl yet. All my life you've known me as a boy. You will look at me and you will think 'son'. I know this and I accept this. I cannot hold it against you. You have known me all my life as your son, and to look at me now and think of me as your daughter feels like a lie. You cannot undo 23 years of something in a day. I will not hold that against you, because it is not your fault.

All I ask is that instead, you think of me as your child. I AM your child. I have always BEEN your child and I will ALWAYS be your child. This is not a lie. This is truth. There is no more accurate statement than this. "I am your child!"

The reason I ask you to do this is because after a while you will see me and automatically think 'child'. "That is my child". It's still true, but this way the 'son' is gone. This way, I am not upset. This way, I have not 'gone' or been 'taken' by some girl. Your child is still here as I have always been.

My hope is that when you see me as your 'child', you will be able to take steps towards seeing your daughter. It might not happen quickly, I hope it does, but I do not expect it to. I just hope that one day it will. Because in my heart and mind, I am your daughter and I have been for a long time. All I want is for you to see that too, and this is the easiest way to get there.

After I explained that to her, mum found it quite a bit easier.

Once again, well done for telling her.

 

Well let me start with strangers.

Technically that's kind of true. But you get to know people and they aren't strangers anymore. They are also people who can empathize and who believe it or not actually care about you. We don't have to be in front of you in person, but I seriously stayed up another 45 minutes beyond when I intended to go to bed just to hear how it went and say something to you.

On a whim or quickly getting it out may not have been the best way to do it but the deed is done and you have nothing to hide now.

She does have to respect your desires. In the eyes of the law you are an adult (Now that I know your age) so she needs to know that you can make choices.

But you are wise to listen to the fact that this is a jarring thing for most parents. She is in shock to say the least. And to be fair she has the right to be. But if she does love you like she says then she will come around.

And we are always here for you June.

 

Her doing air quotes wasn't cool and you should tell her that. If you don't stand your ground like you're sure, she might not take you seriously (I didn't speak up about stuff like that and my mom thought I wasn't shure/ just confused). You might want to call her on that. As far as the rest of it goes, I don't know. My folks are still in denial so Im not much help there. Sorry.

 

Think nothing. She needs to come around. If you sense an opening to talk to her, do it. Or hopefully she will come to you. Again she's still working it around in her head, so you do have to bear that in mind.

Has anyone else given you the feeling they know yet?

 

I had this big response typed out earlier and then the site crapped out on me and I lost it! Oh well, let's try again.

Your mum and my mum may as well be the same person by the sounds of things. That passive-aggressive, overly sarcastic bullshit that your mum is feeding you is exactly what I experienced from mine.

I hated it as much as you do. The difference is I now understand where it came from. From the other side, these things make sense.

How much support have you needed since you started questioning? Could you have got to where you are now completely on your own?

Perhaps you could have, I don't know, but even if you managed to get to where you are mentally on your own you have the advantage of experience. You KNOW how you feel, you feel it all the time. Any time you need to understand how something affects your feelings, you just feel it. No explanations, no deep thought, no need for empathy, it's just there.

Your mum doesn't have that.

The thing about the adult world is that everyone knows there are things they can do and things they can't do. We cling to the things we know we can do because if we stick to those we are masters of our worlds. I can spend most of my life completely happy because I surround myself with things I can control. Things I can beat if necessary. Things I can dominate if I have to.

You've just thrown your mum something she can't control. She can't just get on top of this and roll with it. My mum swears this is something that is specific to mums...personally I think that's a complete load, but I don't exactly have the evidence to back it up within my own family.

My dad took this news on the chin. I worry that one day it will get the better of him, unless he is truly the most relaxed man on earth.

Mum did not. To mum, what I had done to her was nothing less than theft. I had taken away her beloved son and wanted to replace him with a girl she knew nothing about.

She couldn't deal with that at the start. She couldn't control it, so she started latching on to the things she COULD control.

She picked little things. Seemingly insignificant things and did what she could with them. She couldn't deal with how I was feeling, so she decided to tell me that I must be wrong. She's my mother. 'Mother knows best'.

The sarcasm comes from fear. Your mother doesn't know how to deal with this news, where as you are doing OK. The balance of your relationship has shifted. She is no longer your source of advice. She can't HELP you with this, or at least, she doesn't think she can. This is something my mum told me. She cannot help, and that scared her.

Your mother appears to be trying to put that balance back in order. Putting herself back at the top. By pointing out flaws in the things you say, she establishes an idea that you can be wrong. It feeds the idea that you can be wrong about everything. It's not necessarily intentional either. It is a panic reflex.