Out to First Two People

Long time no post, but today was an important step for me and wanted to share.

I work in a school and this week was Spring Break. I've been going crazy working 60 hours a week, and took the opportunity to visit friends near Philly for part of the week. Took the week off my second job as well. Before the trip, I said in therapy I felt like I was spinning my tires trying to understand my fear and shame. In that session he had me set a goal date for when I would be out to someone. I chose May 29th. Far enough away to give me time, but close enough to make it feel real.

The friends I was visiting this week were my old boss and his family. They are like a second family to me and have always been on the top of the list of people to come out to. I seriously was thinking about it on the way out. Early conversations in the week would have been great segues to saying it to them, but I just couldn't get the words out.

Our conversation last night after having dinner with coworkers was the absolute PERFECT time to tell them. It was a very in depth conversation about LGBTQ rights. (We've always been on the same page there.) It was on the tip of my tongue, but I was so busy thinking of how to say it the conversation turned before I could get it out. I lost my courage.

I had shared with them about Brené Brown's work earlier in the week when discussing the reasons our former employer struggled to keep employees and also how it related to shame being used in schools. I decided to stop by Barnes and Noble to buy them a copy as a gift before I left. I found a perfect blank greeting card there. On the front was a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. "Do something every day that scares you." Perfect considering the daring greatly quote in the book.

I thanked them for their hospitality, and shared that I had wanted to tell them I was gay the night before but couldn't get the words out, and how the book helped me to understand my own shame and fear. I left the book and card on their dining room table when I left to drive home.

I just got a really nice text in response from them. (I asked that they give me a few days before calling on the phone.) So the first important people in my life now know. I am still in a bit of freak out mode, but it's an important step forward. I may just sob the rest of the drive back to the Midwest. Tough but good day.

 

Thanks everyone! Still feeling pretty uncomfortable. Dropped the F bomb more on the long car ride home than I probably have in the last two years combined. I think I just feel exposed and I am not used to it.