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Coming out, a narrative

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Bookmarked, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. Bookmarked

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    Guys and gals and anyone else who'll listen, this is an extract from the book I'm writing, and this bit concerns itself with how I told my friend I was gay. I've decided to post it here and let you have a read. Feedback would be lovely.

    ...I haven't yet described how fear of coming out feels like. Let my clunkety words give it a go. For added ambience, I suggest you think of the last time you were terrified. It may help. It starts with the hand of a giant. A giant that is clutching and knotting your guts. A giant that has rather inconsiderately been handling liquid nitrogen. From the guts, let’s move up to the stomach. Forget butterflies, they’re for pansies. My stomach feels like I’ve swallowed a block of Styrofoam several sizes too big for it. I’m filled to bursting, but not with anything nourishing. The limbs shake almost imperceptibly, as though to tell you “We’re still here. The stomach might be getting all the flashy, vivid imagery, but we’re here and we’re nervous too.” Now onto the head. The seat of reason. Only currently, reason isn’t sitting. She’s running around screaming in panicked circles, babbling. This is the inkling of how I felt the night I told someone I was gay.

    Who to tell, who to tell? I like making lists, so here’s what the list looked like, vaguely:

    Parents-Out
    Friends-In
    Friends I haven’t known to long-Out
    Friends I haven’t spoke to in a while- Out
    Friends who are likely to have a problem with it- Out

    Still, even with all this filtering, I had lots of names. What was I supposed to do to choose? Roll a 20 sided dice? A percentile dice? (As a D&D player and a wargamer I have a -lot – of dice) Was there some coming out etiquette I needed to know about? Then a name comes in a flash of inspiration! Only I don’t trust my inspiration outside the kitchen, so I thought about it again. It was perfect.

    When I woke up the next day, I knew what I was going to do. I would decide the order of my coming out (and Lady Macbeth be dammed!) and tell him. This was the last day before the Christmas holidays too, so it was now or never if I wanted to tell him. Lessons weren’t happening as usual, good. My friend was alone, good.

    “I have something to tell you...do you want to go outside?” Good so far.

    Ice cold winter air, hardly felt above the giant’s icy hands, now merrily back at work.
    “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell someone, anyone for a long time now...”
    Suddenly, the giant decided to seize hold of my tongue in frozen immobility. I can only hope he washed his hands first. My hear began to race, I couldn’t tell him now. I had to lie! Now, what situation, apart from mine, would need such melodrama? “I’m being abused!” No, that seemed too drastic. “I love your shirt?” Not drastic enough. And I was trying to -assert- my false heterosexuality here! Then my friend, bless him, asked a question: “You’re not gay, are you?” and I seized on that like an alcoholic on his bottle and nodded.

    Now I waited for the moment of truth. There was a lifetime packed into those few seconds. And then he offered his hand. And I shook it. Words were spoken, but they were nothing more than the vaguest of impressions through the haze of pure bliss. That’s what it felt like to tell the truth. I knew there was a reason you honest people do as you do.
     
  2. Blaz

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    This is great! The imagery and descriptions, you're a natural. I honestly at first had trouble believing you wrote it and that it wasn't ripped off of somewhere else.
     
  3. berileos

    berileos Guest

    It's great!It really describes the situation of coming out,all the butterflies etc.
    Hope you will success with it...:icon_wink
     
  4. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    Wow, that is very well written. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you found it so hard to come out that first time - I hope it's getting better now :slight_smile:
     
  5. Techcompu2

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    very very good.:icon_bigg hope good luck to you and your book. Hope to see more of it soon!:icon_bigg
     
  6. byeee

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    Wow... I want the book :grin:
     
  7. NathanHaleFan

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    This is very good! A couple things you may want to consider:

    *You have great imagery, but you may want to go farther with your connection to the reader's personal experiences. I don't think that most readers that have never had to come out will relate with your description of how terrifying it is to do so. Keep the physical metaphors about the styrofoam and what-not, but try to compare coming out with a situation that readers will have experienced or can imagine experiencing.

    *Compared with the long, vivid imagery that precedes the coming out episode, the actual part when you come out seems undeservedly small. This is probably a huge turning point in your life; describe it in further detail so that it becomes more memorable in the reader's mind. Describe the scene, or what your friend might be thinking, or ask philosophical questions, or do something else that would accompany a huge plot point like this.

    *This point is the most subjective: If I were writing my first coming out anecdote, I would not take it as lightly as you did. Your imagery speaks of how nervous you were, but I'm not sure your tone agrees.

    This is just my personal opinion, based on how I would write it myself, but I hope I helped!
     
  8. Bookmarked

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    Thank you to everyone that's read this so far, you've all been brilliant and very helpful.

    As for the points you made NathanHaleFan (this is where I wish I had a first name, or something, but oh well), they're proving to be surprisingly constructive. The main weakness of my own writing, I think, is that it tends to be too personal and inward looking and I don't look outward to my reader enough, so I'm reviewing bits and pieces to try and make that work better.

    As for the length of things, well, let's just say you shouldn't worry about the length of things I write. I know that the coming out episode seems short in itself, but there is a section that I cut out that follow it simply because I didn't want to make the Great Wall of Text.

    Finally about my tone. This is probably what most people will find weird about my style of writing, because I can be talking and describing something dreadfully serious and then lighten the mood suddenly with something that seems out of place. Maybe I just can't keep something serious.

    But once again, thank you for your comments. If writers love anything, it's feedback. And maybe a paycheck.