I Would Really Appreciate Advice!!! Hi. I am 15 years old and I am a gay male. I have pretty much always been this way, but I feel as though I am suppressing my homosexuality. I am terrified to do anything that would seem even remotely gay. I pretend to hate clothes shopping and chick flicks instinctively, half convincing myself that it is true. I have even dated a few girls (yuck). I don't suppress my feelings for other men (trust me those shine through loud and clear!) but I feel as though I am denying it in other ways. I focus all of my efforts on my school work and none on my emotions, and I am scared that I am going to crack. I want to come out of the closet but my mind makes it seem like it is not even a possibility. I feel really ugly and my self-esteem is in the toilet. I have the best grades in my entire grade, but I feel like I am capable of nothing beyond it and I am emotionally dead. My parents are too stupid to see anything is wrong, despite their intelligence as they are both doctors. They just push me and ignore any signs that I am crying out for help. I have friends, ones that I know are accepting of gay people, but I am too scared to tell them. I don't trust that they will keep my secret because as you might have guessed, I am not ready for the world to know. I do have a female friend that I really like (non-sexually), but she is really spacey and I am not convinced she is the right person. I am scared that if I cannot confront this I will become depressed and unable to continue meeting everyones demands. My parents expect me to get into a really good college (like Harvard or something) but at the same time they have stripped me of my youth. They do not let me do ANYTHING! Going to a support meeting or something would be beyond impossible for me, especially without they help of anyone else. I am barely allowed to go out with friends now during the summer, and during the school year it is even more infrequent (sometimes only once or twice every three months). My parents are liberal and I think that they would be understanding, but I am not emotionally ready to tell them. I think it would be really helpful if I had a friend who knew, but I don't know how to trust anybody when I cannot even trust myself. I suffer every day, working constantly in order to building up my future. I look toward the future as a time when I can be happy and myself , but I keep finding it harder to wait. I find it harder to be miserable while I see other kids around me happy. I want to be happy and feel good about myself. I always feel like I am too fat and ugly for anyone to ever love me. I feel alone and I wish that I did not have to hide everything from everyone anymore...
first off your not fat or ugly and you will find someone who loves you for who you are eventually. secondly don't know exactly what your going through but I have a pretty good idea. both my parents work in the medical field and are unfortuntately very conservitive, so in high school I did nothing but bust my ass to get into a really good college majoring in something i had absolutely no interest in. However in high school i was in complete self denial and when i got to college all i did was party party party trying to convince myself i didn't like men, and ended up shooting my gpa to hell and failing out of college and knowing what kind of people my parents were (I swear sometimes they just love to bitch people out) i decided that I would do something else other than go home and listen to them and there grand plan on how there going to run my life from now on. I'm not exactly sure how I came to this conclusion but for some reason I ended up joining the U.S. Army Reserve, didn't tell anyone about it, just up and did it thinking I'll show my parents they can't run my life! Basic training blowed chunks, and u got to make to phone calls, one when you got there to tell your parents you got their alright which was a treat, and the other when you were going to graduate, come graduation my dad shows up in HIS uniform, apparently he served in a field artillary unit during vietnam so he got a real kick out of it. 3 months in i got called up for deployment to camp warhorse Iraq 15months of hell. that was a few years back, now, I'm damn near 24years old wishing i hadn't been so closeted back in high school. wishing i had the confidence and knowledge i have now then. I didn't come out until just recently, July 20th of this year I came out at a PFLAG meeting and let me tell you it felt great. However, i have to be some what closeted still because I don't want to deal with the repurcusions of getting a dishonorable discharge from the Army, getting crap from my family, a cousin of mine came out that he was gay while i was in basic and now my family's kind of split, my parents don't talk them they don't talk to us, well i talk to them and i get crap for it from my parents but they think its because i'm an atheist they don't suspect i'm bisexual, i plan on telling my cousin this thanksgiving though it's going to be a treat. the point i'm trying to make is sometimes you got to take chances, cause self-denial can be a real bitch and like in my case regretting not having done something sooner, regretting now that my gpa is in the gutter and it's a lot harder to get into college, regretting that i'm open to some people about who i am but now all because i'm in the army. self-denial can cause you to make some really dumb mistakes in life, what i would recomend is there's a staff person here named becky but i'm not sure what her screen name is though she's full of all kinds of helpful websites to go to the only one i can think of is PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays), if your in the United States try attending a PFLAG meeting heres there website http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2 if you can't attend you maybe able to call someone who would be able to support you more directly, or you could call them and talk to someone and i'm sure someone their has been through what your going through and you can talk to them without worrying about getting outed, if your out side the united states i'm not sure if they operate out side the US i'm not sure, try going to the ask staff thread and ask for becky(or paul uk or lex also knowledgeable people) she should be able to point you in the right direction and there was a list of the staff members of who did what that i can't find right now but if i do i'll put it up, hope this helps, but most importantely have hope, you are not ugly, or fat, or whatever anyone else says, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, its whats on the inside that counts, i thought i was ugly once but then i met this great guy at a club who i thought wouldn't want to have anything to do with me because of my looks, is now i'm happy to say my boyfriend and we love each other for who we are and thats all that matters.
I have returned with the list, Damn you 15min edit window! Jking i didn't write the stuff below i just cut and pasted it thus the reason for a line -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The forums are the primary source of support at Empty Closets and are a wonderful place to share your thoughts and get some help and feedback from other members. You are likely to get a variety of helpful views and answers fairly quickly. For more embarrassing problems you may prefer to use the Anonymous support section. However for individual one on one support or encouragement, please feel free to contact our staff listed below by private message at any time. We can provide help with anything from personal problems to technical support. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. Note however that we are all volunteers with limited time online so please be patient if it takes a day or two to reply. Mid-Teens MeskElil Female – Lesbian Emotional/interpersonal problems, religious difficulties, general advice Biisme Female – Bisexual Depression, personal problems, general advice Behling Male - Gay Personal problems, general advice Midnight Angel Male - Bisexual Personal problems, general advice Vampyrecat Female - Lesbian Personal/interpersonal and self-harm problems and advice, chatroom help Martin Male - Gay Advice on stress, illness and eating disorders, technical assistance Late Teens/Young Adults Biloved86 Female - Lesbian Personal/emotional problems and advice Davo-man Male - Gay General support and advice Micah Male - Gay General support and advice Steam Giant Male - Gay/Bisexual Depression, bisexuality and self-harm advice and support Thirty-something Asteroid Male - Gay Coming out, GLBT groups, general support, advice Lexington Male - Gay General interpersonal problems and advice. Jim1454 Male - Gay Parent General support and advice, coming out after marriage/kids Fortyish and up Beckyg Female - Straight parent of a gay son PFLAG, help w/coming out to parents, advice TriBi Male – Bisexual General support and advice Paul_UK Male - Gay Technical Assistance Health and Wellness For health and wellness help, feel free to contact our expert in these areas: KaraBulut __________________ Paul_UK Empty Closets Admin at your service There ain't no party like an S-Club party!
Well first of all you are defiantly not alone in feeling this way. All that stuff you said about focusing more on your school work then your feelings, being top of your grade and all the expectations of other people especially parents with college and all that I can defiantly associate with. Sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and cry when things get to much, but I don't because sometimes I think if I start I won't stop and anyway I never let myself cry. My parents never notice anything either- mainly because I put on such a big act they would freak if they knew I was gay!! I don't suppress my homosexuality but I defiantly do suppress my feelings, and I feel like no one really knows the real me, everyone thinks I cold hearted but thats just because I don't let my feelings show- I'm actually a completely and utterly hopeless soppy romantic! Anyway the point of this ramble was to let you know that you are not along in these feelings and I would recommend you go and talk to counselor or some one like that maybe at your school. I did and it really helped it doesn't change things so much but it's good to just talk to someone about it and know they can be trusted not to say anything. It stops you feeling like you are about to explode!!
Hey there, I'm Jon=) Now then, to the best of my abilities, I'm gonna help you through your troubles. Mkayy, first, don't stop yourself from doing what you like. If you want to watch a chick flick, watch a chick flick! If you want to buy that top, buy it=) If you have friends who you think will accept you, tell them, even if it's only one person=) and then after one person, you don't even have to tell anyone, you can just be yourself=) Yehh, I've got a lot of freedom, I can go out a meet, and there's a support thing here in Victoria but I still haven't got to it, so maybe don't shoot for a support club yet, just try and convince your parents to let you go out. As long as you can balance it and there's no bad things come from going out I'm sure they'll let you=) Ahh, the future. So promising. But sometimes, you gotta forget the future and live now=) The future's always gonna be there, now's gonna be gone in the blink of an eye. I'm not really out, but I don't hide who I am, if people work it out, well good for them but I don't go around saying I'm gay. Be true to yourself and make yourself happy. If you're happy, other's will be happy around you=) I'm hoping something helped=) and I'm hoping you feel better soon=D We're all here to help you through this difficult time=)
You should talk to your parents,although you think you're not ready.You don't have to tell them "I'm gay!".You can just talk about sexuality,if they are doctors,they will understand and try to help you.Also,you can talk to your BEST friend.Tell him/her you're not sure,that you need someone to talk to.You can't stand inside you forever...
Hi String 3343. Welcome to EC. You've done one great thing.You connected with EC.There's lots of people here to help guide you on your new journey. Be patient. Ask questions. Get to know people. You are no longer alone.:smilewave(!)(!)
Hey string. I'm Lex, one of the advisors here at EC. I've sent you a PM (private message). If you'd like to talk to somebody one-on-one about your problem, I'm available - just go ahead and respond to that. If you don't mind having other people weigh in, feel free to just continue this thread. There's a lot of good people with a lot of good experiences, and a lot of good ideas here - and they'd all be more than happy to help you out. Lex
Re: I Would Really Appreciate Advice!!! Hi and welcome to EC! You have come to the right place. As the ry guy indicated we are here to help you to get through this. You are not alone in what you are going through. I think it is good that you have taken the step of recognizing that you always had these feelings. It is one element in accepting yourself for who you are. Being terrified is a normal part in our coming out processes because we are afraid of how our friends, family and others might react and what they might say. We do not want to lose our friendships. Pretending someone who you are not is a part of it. At the same time, it sounds as if you are also battling internal homophobia. In other words, there is one part of you that has accepted the fact that you always had these feelings and is cool with it. But there is also this other part of your body that fights against it, and hence the feeling of being terrified of doing things that seem to be gay. With time, and maybe when you have your first couple of coming outs behind you will no longer feel the need to hide an important part of you. Coming out to friends and parents is hard but if you take your time and take small steps you will get there. You should not hold in all the emotions that you are experiencing. Never leave these feelings bottled up inside. What might help, is if you try to see a counselor at school as well. Talking to a counselor will help you to explore the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing, and it might also help you in getting ready for the all important step of coming out. And of course EC is here as well to help you in that. From what you have said, it seems that you might not be ready yet to take the step of coming out. But not to worry you will get there. When you feel that you are ready start coming out to the people that you trust the most such as your closet friend or someone else who you know that will accept you for who you are. Take your time. Don't rush it. With time, you will find the right first person to whom to come out to. Yes it is good to come to a friend first. By starting with your friends, you will also start building a support network that will help you to take the step to come out to your parents. The support network can help you to gain confidence as well as give you the support that you need. When you are ready you will be able to tell your parents. Also, your support network can consist of your friends, EC, a counselor, and anyone else you think might be helpful and supportive. You are not ugly. No one is. Every person is different. And that is good. Could you imagine a world where every person would be the same? There are tons of people out there that do not find you ugly and want to be with you and will love you the way you are. I'm sure you are a kind and loving person. I think what might help is if you try building up your self-esteem by starting to like yourself for who you are. Stand in front of a mirror (be it in the morning or during the day). Then start telling yourself (best out loud) "I like myself because of...." For example you could start by saying "I like my body the way it is. There is nothing that needs to be changed"; "I like myself because I am the best in my class;" "I like myself because of...." Say anything you want in here. By saying this, and hearing yourself you will start liking and eventually loving yourself for who you are. It will take time, but eventually you will get there. Also, to build up self-esteem, try doing the things that you like. It becomes clear that academics is one of the things at which you are good at. That's great. That's one element in building up your self-esteem. Take your cue from that. Ask yourself: "So, I'm good at academics. What else am I good at?" Do the things you like. Talk to your friends about it. Tell them what you do. Hearing yourself talking about the things you like doing and that you are good at, will help you build up some self-esteem and confidence as well. Do you have any hobbies? Pick a hobby that you like. For example if swimming is your favorite hobby, go to the pool (maybe with your friends) and try to break your own record as it were. Just go for it. Try it. If you don't get there after the first, second, or third tries that it okay. But you have tried it, and that is what counts. With that you will build up confidence that you will be able to achieve that goal. It something to look forward to for the next time. Plus, you will have the sense of having had fun at something that you really like doing. Setting ourselves goals, and even though we might not be able to achieve them on our first tries can give us the confidence we need because we slowly are achieving them. Try to accept that are not good at everything, but there are other things at which you are good at. Accepting it, will allow you to gain a different perspective about yourself. It will allow you to start liking and eventually loving yourself for who you are. Have you tried talking to your parents? Your parents might be very busy and it does happen that as a result they might not become aware of it until much later. Talk to your parents. You don't have to tell them that you are gay at this stage, but tell them about all the other things that are bothering you. Like this, they will be able to help you. What might also help here, is if you talk to a counselor about it. Maybe a counselor could also give you some feedback on it. Maybe try talking to your parents and ask them, if you could see your friends more often. Remind them that you are really good at school and that seeing your friends more often will not impact your studies. Try telling them, that you really want to see your friends. Maybe what you could do, bring it up in conjunction with some of the other things that are bothering you. Often contact with our friends can also help us in gaining a different perspective about ourself. It seems to me that some of the issues related to low self-esteem could very well be connected to your feelings about your sexual identity and being afraid to talk about it. Start with building up some self-esteem. Once you have achieved that, you will also start feeling differently about everything else in your life, and might also give you enough confidence to start the coming out processes. But do take your time with it. I hope this is of some help. If you ever need to talk feel free to Pm me or any of the other EC advisors at any time. To PM us, click on our user names and a small menu will appear and select "Send a private message." We will get back to you asap.
Aww, String, man, have a hug (*hug*) It sounds like you're dealing with some bad shit at the moment. But don't worry, things will get better. Stick around at EC and you'll begin to feel more comfortable in your sexuality straight away. I hope you feel very welcome (*hug*)
Bookmarks is right I have been here one day and I feel like a new person everyone give him a hug (&&&)
wow, man, I´ve been in your position, and slightly still am. But listen, telling a closest firned would make you feel SOOO much better for yourself, and you know who that will be. You´ll feel like you´ve done yourself one huge favor. really. Only when you feel like you´re ready though, OK? Oh, and welcome to EC!
