Why do I feel this way

Hi Greg... I'm really sorry to hear about how much pain you are in. I can relate to most of what you have shared here. So we might be half a world away, but you're certainly not alone.

Keep doing the right things for yourself... Keep communicating with your doctor and with friends and with your family. They love you, and they want you to be happy - even if you don't right now.

You can read some of my other posts... but the short version is much like yours. Never fit in as a kid, recognized my interest in homosexual activity at age 19 but denial kept me from even considering that I was gay. Often faced depression and didn't understand why. Was set up on a date and fell in love with my wife. Had two kids (now 6 and 3). Golden Retriever. Volvo station wagon. But was never happy. I started into gay chat rooms, and that lead me to meet with other men starting about 2 years ago. My acting out escalated til I felt I was out of control - spending all my time trying to 'hook up' - and leading two separate lives it seemed. I was extremely depressed as well - but didn't feel I could talk to anyone about it.

Finally I saw a therapist, and admitted to all of this. That was last summer. I admitted to my wife that I was interested in men but denied having ever met with any. Then in the fall I admitted that I had met with some - which was devastating for her. We tried couselling, but in the end - after the holidays - she came to the conclusion that she couldn't stay with me.

That decision sent me into a downward spiral again - I was meeting with even more men for anonymous sex (sometimes unprotected) and was extrememly depressed. I often and seriously thought about suicide. Thankfully I kept communicating with my therapist, who helped me get more help. My doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me - and they made a world of difference. However, I think I was lucky, as they don't all work for everyone - and perhaps you need to try a different kind.

Keep trying though! Don't give up!

I think it is totally normal to feel the way you're feeling, and if I had kept my secret for an additional 10 years like you have, then I would definitely be in the same position that you are in right now.

But take it from someone that has been (almost) as low as you - it gets better! You can feel better about yourself and your situation! This forum will really help too!!!

If you want to chat more, send me a private message. I'm on instant messenger alot, so I can share my ID with you if you want to chat there.

Your family cares. There are lots of people here that care. And there are options for you. And ways for you to lead a happy, healthy life. But you need to look for them.

 

Hi Greg,

First of all, suicide is never a legitimate option. You have come too far to give yourself up. You need to stay in touch with a therapist and realize that you're going through a damn difficult period of adjustment. You will need help and that's perfectly ok. The fact that you've posted your story here is a big step in the right direction. You have no reason to feel guilt for finally accepting the truth. You should be proud of yourself for the progress you've made so far.

Yes, your life has and will change completely. Above all, you have to begin feeling comfortable with the new you. Your family and friends may need some time to adjust but you have NOT disappointed them. The bigger hurt would have been to try to continue living a lie. You sound like you're definitely suffering from severe depression. That needs to be treated. It may be hard but now is the time you really need to cultivate a friendship or two. That is what makes life so rewarding and that's where the happiness sets in.

Just over a year ago, I finally came out to my family and friends. Since then I have made many new gay friends and it's been one of the happiest years of my life. Your situation is more difficult with the family but there are other folks right here going through the same transformation process. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Give yourself time and begin planning for your new life. Don't blame yourself for the late discovery (mine was later than yours :icon_redf ). It's what lies ahead that is important.

There are people who care what happens to you. (*hug*)

 

Hi Greg, glad you're still here. There is nothing wrong with being fearful about what's ahead. Fear can keep us out of trouble sometimes. But fear should not cause us to become paralyzed. Sure there will be setbacks and disappointments. But the joy in between is so great that you can't help but enjoy the journey. It really helps if you take things one step at a time, and you won't be falling off trees. Think about what you want to do in the coming year and then develop a reasonable plan of the steps you need to take to achieve your plan. A counselor can be a big help in sorting out your thoughts. Ultimately, the plan has to come from your initiative.

The way I look at, you were on a tightrope in your former life. Now you are finally on solid ground and really have less to fear than ever before because you are no longer living a lie. The thought of starting over can be frightening, simply because you have so many untapped possibilities. Rest assured that others have been in the same boat. All I can tell you is that the opportunity to be true to yourself is one of the greatest joys you can ever experience. It sure has been for me. Hope I can infect you with some of that enthusiasm. (*hug*)

 

Greg, I can understand how you feel frozen - unable to move foreward. I felt the same way. With a bit of time and some counselling (and potentially some different meds) you can start to move foreward. The darkness that you're living in will start to get brighter and you'll be able to see that you are indeed on solid ground - even if you're world seems a little small to start with. But a path foreward will start to form...

What helped me the most was to talk about it. If you have a therapist - be COMPLETELY honest with them. Let them know that you still feel suicidal. The fact that you're talking about it here with us means that there must be a ver small part of you that doesn't want to die. Let that part of you out. Talk about what is bothering you, what you are fearful of, what you are thinking. Once they are out in the light, they have less power over you.

I know - I've been there.

Thanks for sending me the private message. Not sure I got your email right, so try me again if I haven't got through.

Wishing you all the best. Jim.

 

Hello Greg, depression is a very hard thing to work through, but it can be done. What you are attempting is good and it will eventually lead you to where you need to go, but there are some things you need do in getting there. First off, suicide is not a real option as it is the total giving up and where there is life there is always a way. It only seems like an option because you are caught up in a cycle of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Depression comes from our inner self not being expressed and we find ourselves living our lives according to another's standard not our own.

Antidepressants are one cog in the wheel to help, but are not the panacea for overcoming depression. It requires a bit of cognitive work on your part. Being aware of the conversation you have in your head with yourself on a daily, hour to hour basis and seeing the negative thoughts and countering them with positive. Many at first feel that it is a means of changing who they are (thus faking it) not recognizing that what we are comes from the imprint we have established at a very young age, coupled with what we accepted as our truth (most often without question) as we grew up.

Some of what you are dealing with is that you have feelings that you are not living as you should be, that you have messed up other's lives, that your life up to now has been wasted because you want to be who you are, but did things different and set yourself upon a path that you shouldn't or can't deviate from. You also feel you are not worthy of much consideration because who you are is consider wrong. All these feelings come from outside yourself, not your inner self, so set up a vicious cycle of condemnation. You in truth do not know your own true feelings, just what you have accepted as being true.

Life is never wasted if we accept who we are and come to terms with it and finally live in a manner that allows for us to express who, what and how we are. If done in a manner of love and caring, it doesn't matter how it is expressed. It doesn't matter at what age we come to the point where we can express it either as long as we can do so.

You have yet to actually accept yourself. You have done the external things in that direction, but without it happening within, what you have done can only make things a bit better for a little while. You feel a lot of emotions, but they are connected to that false evidence appearing to be true that came from outside yourself (religion, attitudes of family, friends, society in general) not what you truly feel. You have forgotten that you have a right to be here and a right to be able to express yourself. At the same time, you need to realize, as long as you are being honest with yourself and acting with love and caring, you are not responsible for how someone else feels, that is theirs to deal with, not you.

Working with a therapist and using the antidepressants will get you to the point where the sting of realization is not so painful, but there are some painful truths you need to know about yourself, knowing you can correct them for yourself. Along with this, it is most helpful for you to connect with your spiritual self as it seems without doing so, gains don't seem to last. Many in modern therapy counseling seem to not recognize this aspect to the human experience, but it needs to be incorporated and you get in touch with your "First Cause", "Higher Power", "God". Your feelings of worthlessness are coming from the wrong premise you have concerning yourself, now is the time to learn a different premise.

I am willing to talk to you via PM or other means, as some others here are. You are not alone in bailing the boat, so with that said, ball is in your court.