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Crash and burn, but still survived!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by CyanChachki, May 6, 2014.

  1. CyanChachki

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    I'll try to keep this short because my coming out story has had a lot to it. I think I'll start off by saying when I first realized that I was into girls.

    First off, I was never told that there was such thing as lesbians, gays, bisexuals or transgenders. My parents never taught me, so far as I know, nobody I knew was gay or anything. I knew I liked girls since kindergarten and it didn't bother me. I didn't think it was a crush. I would see a girl and have that overall feeling like I would with a cute boy but it never struck me as "oh my god, I love a girl". I think a lot of it was suppressed subconsciously, no idea why I would do that. I say that because I really noticed.. like genuinely knew that I liked girls when I was in grade 7 and I realized that I would look into this girl's eyes and think that they where just amazingly beautiful. At the same time in that class we had those videos saying that your body will go through changes and blah blah blah.. I thought that they where saying that girls and boys would experience feelings for the same gender and that it was alright. So, I went with it.

    In 8th grade, I had found out about women who liked women and they where called lesbians. My teacher had asked the class if anyone felt this way. I shot my hand up like a dart and said that I was a lesbian.. because I still didn't know anything about bisexuality. The classmates never said anything and they didn't seem to care either. They still talked to me like they normally did and life went on.

    In grade 9, I was transferred to another middle school because the one I was currently at was being shut down. I was now going to a smaller, in-town middle school with barely anyone I knew. Out of the 350 students that where going to my current middle school only 5 of us where being transferred to the one I was going to. I knew 3 of those students, who where somewhat my friends but never hung out with me, so I had to make new friends. I was fairly lucky to make new friends that had lesbians and bisexuals. They explained to me what bisexuality was and everything was great and fantastic. I liked hanging around them, I felt open to be me.

    What was supposed to be extremely amazing turned real bad, real quickly. Somehow, the word got out that I was a "lesbian" (not bisexual) and everyone, besides my new friends, started to hate me. This was the very first time I had experienced any kind of hate. I honestly didn't understand it. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't hurting anyone, I just simply liked girls as well as guys. My friends told me that I needed to ignore them.. but why should I ignore them? Why where they bullying me and not my friends? Where my friends being bullied or what? It just didn't make any sense.

    This all started in November. By the time January came, I was severely depressed. I would pretend to be sick so that I didn't have to go to school. My mom eventually caught on and I told her about my bullying problem but refused to tell her why I was being bullied. My mom had to eventually drive me to school from our house which was 15 minutes out of town because I was being bullied on the school bus and the bus driver couldn't do anything to stop them. When my teachers caught on to the bullying, I was sent to the school's counselor who turned out to be very homophobic. Every day, going to her office I kept thinking about how I wanted to just run away, find the nearest bridge and end my life. That was my only escape plan. I had to lie daily to save myself from being hurt because she didn't agree with how "the gays" (as she'd say) "decided to throw themselves into that lifestyle" but oh, she was going to fix it for me. " Don't worry, things will be fine."

    They weren't because by the time February came around, I had already been planning my attempts on suicide and that's when I decided to try and take my own life. For other's safety, I won't say how I tried but I remember getting up that morning, fully aware of what I was going to do, going to school and I had talked to my friend CJ and Kitt about how I wasn't feeling okay. I told both of them that I felt like inside I wasn't able to move on. I knew that because of the way I put it, they didn't get it. So during lunch I went out to do what I planned on doing. Long story short on this, I wasn't stopped. When I was laying on the ground I just remember being in such terrible, terrible pain, wondering when it was going to end. At that time, I just wanted the physical pain to end. I got desperate and I tried to make myself die as I was laying there.

    After all that, I felt like my parents kind of just let go of me emotionally. Like I was just there for them and that's it. I came out to my sister, came out to my dad and he told my mom and she didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Knowing that my own mother wouldn't talk to me because of this.. I hated myself because I didn't succeed at suicide. I felt like I was no longer worth it to anyone and that my life was meaningless. Even worse, I had to go back to school, where no one really cared about my situation, where my friends where slowly starting to distance themselves from me.. people where starting to say that I was doing it for attention because I didn't die.. I couldn't deal with it all so I eventually tried it again. Again, I eventually survived and I was then admitted to the ward for the first time and I just didn't want to be there. They told me that I was there for a week and it didn't phase me.

    I thought myself, "How can these people possibly care? Genuinely care? It's their job to care but they don't actually care. They only care about the money" and that was the outlook I had on it. They discharged me at the end of the week, I spent a weekend in my room, by myself, self harming and wishing that I would've died. My parents never once came down, my sisters never came in to talk.. again, I felt like I was just not supposed to be there. Like I wasn't supposed to exist. To this day, I still remember the moment when we where watching a Degrassi: The Next Generation episode, the one where Ellie self harmed. My mom turned to me and said "Looks like someone we know." and it hit me like a ton of bricks. She apologized after but I didn't care for her apology. I hated he for saying that to me.

    I wanted to scream and tell her that her own child needed help, not criticism.. and her criticism never helped me once. I had to listen to that and then go to school where I had to listen to their criticism. Finally, the situation got so bad that I was pulled out of that school and at home for the rest of the school year. I was eventually enrolled into a high school with more kids who I didn't know and I had to somehow make new friends. The "best" thing about this? Those who bullied me from the year before, where enrolled into that school as well. And yes, the taunting went on. Everyone soon found out and I mentally snapped. Looking back and how I acted, I would've never acted like that. It was like someone else was inside of me and was very hyperactive, laughed inappropriately and well to say the least was just over the top mentally, insane. Because of what I did during that school year, I was expelled and again, placed in the same psychiatric ward.

    Counting the two I've told you about, I was admitted into the ward 8 times. I hate saying that. I genuinely hate saying that because it makes me sound so mentally unstable. I'm not unstable. I can find the peace within myself.. but back then, yes. I was. My last genuine attempt at suicide was when I was 23 because I still couldn't deal with life. Every friend I gained ended up proving to me that they couldn't be trusted. I was a very angry, vengeful person growing up because of this. I hated my life. I hated people in general. I wanted them to feel the pain I was in. I think the worst point in my life was when my girlfriend had cheated on me with my best friend. Learning that threw me into a severe depression. As well as breaking up with one of my ex's and she couldn't take the break up and ended her own life. I hold these feelings in all the time and I don't know how else to deal with it, you know? I think that's what really distances me from others? I don't know.

    It's not that I hate people now.. I don't hate people. I do genuinely like people of all types, doesn't matter who you are.. I just fell that people hate me because I am like I am.. and that hurts because I'm trying very hard to be a good person and a nice person and not talk about my problems. Now I just hope to be the person I need to be. The person I see myself as and hopefully I can love myself more and more each day to the point where I don't see myself as a burden anymore.
     
  2. Fruitylicious

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    I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I am glad you made it through. Hearing stories like yours makes me wish I could have been there to give some support. You should love yourself and you should accept yourself, you are you and it dosen't matter what anyone else thinks or believes.

    I am glad to see that you have stuck around on EC, everyone here is supportive and no matter what your sexuality is or whether you are confused, everyone accepts who you are:slight_smile:

    I hope that you will someday love yourself for who you are and come to accept yourself, because you are not a burden, you are a unique human being who has been through torture and made it out:slight_smile:

    If you ever want to talk you can PM me:slight_smile: Or you can post and we can all help:slight_smile:

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)