Hello everyone, I want to share my short life story leading up to coming out. I wrote it after finally coming to some realisations, one of which being coming out isn't important in the scheme of things. Hoping it can be helpful or an interesting read for anyone on this forum. Thanks I probably had it easy coming out to a loving family with no religion or culture involved, however you can still never be sure how your parents will react to hearing you tell them you are gay. For me, the biggest worry was affecting my relationship with my parents. Coming out was never my biggest worry as a teenager. Surrounding myself with friends and family who support you and care for you was, and still is. Of course, finding work and a passion (happiness) that you can look forward to each day would be awesome, but one day having a family of my own was in the back of my mind. In fact, that was my biggest worry for the future. There was never one day where I decided to accept myself being gay, it just happened over time. However, I left it a few years before telling anybody. Maybe deep down I was hoping that it might be some sort of phase, but I never found the need to say anything. Depression crept in around 14 years old for various reasons and came back in waves. I know that one cause is looking physically young yet being mature beyond your years. There is no salvation from not fitting in around kids in school or adults at work, shops, over the phone (everywhere!) This lead to inconsistent friendships and as a result of yet more problems at a younger age, I found some happiness getting on and doing things on my own at home. Fortunately, it was a safe place for me. However, with the prison of school and no opportunity to get out in the world and find a passion, friendships and the future constantly worried me, leading to the depression. In addition, my parents were hating their jobs but with no options as money was required, but I felt helpless. It's not something for a 14 year old to worry about but it got to me. Though it was because we were a close family, and that that got me through the days. Before I had my first crush or even started thinking about being with another boy, I innocently (and naively) had a best friend who liked me. I feel sorry for the poor guy but honestly had no idea or any intentions. It's no surprise why he wanted to be good friends with me of course, but showed how I just wanted to have a decent friend to be happier. A year later was when crushes and the thought of being with someone kicked in. But I had no idea how that could happen, so it got me down as well. Then, amazingly by just chatting to some random guy who was older but in a similar position over the internet (a bad idea really), he told me to speak up to someone and see what happens. Suddenly the idea of being with someone was real! Out of maybe 200 guys a schoolboy may know, I was attracted to 2. I was in heaven to find out one evening after a party that one felt the same :icon_wink But then it turned out he wasn't really in the same position as me and of course that meant no relationship. That's when my world crashed down again. Having a crush was bad enough, but the sheer disappointment of losing the one thing in your life that makes you happy whilst trapped in the school system was unbearable and left me at my lowest point. You find out how natural of an actor you are when nobody notices how you feel inside. Even my parents, as close as they have always been to me, only saw it as bad (teenager) moods. That was at the worst point, where the thought of not waking up in the morning was fine with me. With no real benefit to coming out at the time, it never bothered me and I never really considered it, but all the worries about the future were eating me inside day by day. Things started to pick up then I left school and went off to university. Finally there were some good things happening. I left with a load of achievements that, whist I can't see how I had any energy or drive to do them, show how I had found things to fill my time and make me happy in attempt to offset the sadness. I'm so glad I didn't just give up. After a year things began to change. Despite other general disappointments and bad moments, I seemed to wake up and become myself within the space of about a month. I was happier, being myself, less worrying, and talked for hours with my parents about the past, the future of my life and theirs Then one night, out of the blue, I went from feeling fine to extremely down to the point of crying, sat under all the junk in our closet (ironically) so my housemates didn't find me. It was so strange and unexpected. I talked to my sister for hours about everything. Despite having some good friends, I always thought that not having "best" friends was the source of my unhappiness. Then for whatever reason I just told her I was gay and we agreed she would tell my parents. No plan, it came from nowhere, with no concious need of mine to tell anyone. My biggest worry was how my dad might feel, knowing that he had been wanting to become closer to me for years. But they were more than fine. In fact, I don't think the 1 month had been enough time to adjust to the new me and talking openly about myself was easier for me than it was for them! After one night of feeling strange trying to get to sleep, it didn't phase me the next day. When I came home from university and we talked face to face about everything and my worries, it wasn't difficult at all. Nothing changed, except for us feeling closer. Now I realise what my biggest worries were. Although the future might hold difficulties for having a family, I'm just longing for someone to love. Whether I'm fully out or not, that doesn't matter. Nor does it matter what strangers think of me; be it your interests, music taste, dancing, being gay or anything else in your life. Although I haven't told any of my friends yet, I know they will be fine about it, otherwise they wouldn't already be my friends. But I will be open and tell them and those who need to know at whatever times are appropriate to make sure opportunities are not missed. I do wish I could start university again now as my new self, but with 2 years and my whole life remaining, I just hope to continue enjoying the present, with no need to continuously wish forward to the future. If this helps just one person who is in a similar position to me earlier in life, that's more than enough return for me writing this. Good lucky and enjoy life (&&&)
