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Consciously distant

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by iamamiwhoami, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. iamamiwhoami

    iamamiwhoami Guest

    Hi!

    I'm 22 years old and I'm gay. I have recently moved abroad (to Sweden) alone in order to attend Master's studies. I am very independent and not "afraid" of being alone (or lonely) in an unfamiliar place. I come from a (pretty much) homophobic country and I've never felt ready to come out while I was living there. It wasn't in my plans to come out the second the airplane I was in landed in Gothenburg, but the thought was somewhere in my mind all the time. I have always been a very good student and a very organized and responsible guy for my age and truth be told, I kind of enjoyed the image my parents (and the rest of my family) had about me, especially when I got a chance to move abroad alone and pursue a whole new life. But as the time went on, as I was adapting to my new home, I really started to enjoy my own company and to get to know some things about myself that I wasn't even aware of before.

    I have never had a boyfriend and I have never kissed, because I've always wanted my first kiss to be with a guy. I was never able to throw myself out there when I was living my "old" life, so I decided to take baby steps and to try to put myself out there and see how it goes since I consider Sweden as my comfort zone. I became a member of an online dating website and while filling in the personal information, to the question: "You're searching for?" instead of just: "MAN", I have answered: "MAN and WOMAN" even though it was completely wrong. It was just a proof that I still wasn't able to show the world (the anonymous world) who I was, even though I have never been ashamed of that and even though I've never wanted to cover it up or treat is as a phase. Later on, I met a guy online and we started chatting and day by day I started to feel really comfortable with him and his way of expressing himself so we decided to meet. I was really nervous because I didn't know what to do or how to behave. When we met, I noticed that he was really out there, his image was really eccentric (which I liked) and his posture was kind of feminine. He was blonde and really talkative. I liked him. Though I'm pretty sure he didn't like me because I was acting like a retard the whole time. I was feeling uncomfortable by the people looking at us, but at the same time, I was feeling great because I was spending time with someone who really knew who I actually was. We haven't heard from each other since that day and then I really felt depressed. I thought I really liked him and I have even told him that I have an impression that he didn't like me AT ALL and he answered me in a polite way that I seemed like a nice person and that he would really like to be my friend. I was really glad that he was honest, but why do I keep thinking about him every day since then? Then I was like: "Come on, you just met a guy, you cannot fall for him so hard." But what is happening then? Then I really spent some time thinking about the fact that the reason for myself being so down at the moment might be the fact that I desperately need to be with somebody and if anybody else "rejected" me (not only him), I would have felt the same.

    After hours of thinking, I realized that this has got to stop and that my inability to show myself off for who I really am would never be a good thing for me. So, all of a sudden, I called my mother. In the moment, I was really angry. Angry at myself. She picked up and was quite surprised and I just said to her: "I am gay." She was like: "Okay, calm down, that's completely alright. I was assuming you were gay from deep inside but I never wanted to bring that up until you felt ready to talk about it. I still love you the same way and you don't have to worry about anything." I have also said it to my dad who was really...strange, but at the end of the day, he texted me saying that he still loves me and that he doesn't care who am I with, as long as I'm happy. Later that day, I really felt a relief and then I started telling it to all my friends, not caring at all how would they take it. I finally became aware that if there's one single person in my life that I can always rely on - it has gotta be myself and if I have a couple of great friends besides that, then that is just perfect.

    So, why am I feeling this...weird now? I mean, I get it, it went well, it could have been way worse than this and even though I feel so good and proud of myself, I feel angry at the same time for not having done it earlier.

    I am really sorry for such a huge post, it's my first time here.
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hey welcome to EC!

    You should be very proud of yourself for having the courage to come out as early as you have in your life. Please don't think this is late, although it may appear to be so. I came out to myself at 53, I have more reason to regret, but I don't regret it. Life happens for each one of us at the pace it must for ourselves.

    You have a real chance for happiness and deep love, don't waste your time on regret, focus on the ocean of time you have ahead of you and find someone who deserves you!
     
  3. TJ

    TJ
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :wave:
    I'm really happy to hear that coming out went so well for you. You're not a late bloomer, especially for having grown up in a homophobic country.
    Coming out entirely to yourself and others is an amazing step toward accepting and being who you really are, so well done. It's an amazing feeling.

    Don't regret how long it took you to do it. Greatwhale's right. Nothing good will come from regret. You can't do it over or change how you spent the last 22 years. Make the best of what you have now. Now find that special man for you.

    Also - big :thumbsup: for being an awesome and responsible man. Your parents must be very proud.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. iamamiwhoami

    iamamiwhoami Guest

    Thank you! It really does feel amazing. Still a bit weird, but quite amazing. I'm just not sure, is it the fact that I'm finally out there or the fact that I just no longer care at all about anyone's opinion regarding me and my sexual orientation, the thing that makes me feel so amazing. Doesn't really matter, anyway. :icon_wink
     
  5. Julieno

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    Do not regret anything, you came out when you were ready for it, that is all.
    Coming out in your early twenties gives you a more mature and different perspective about life so don't worry, it also has its good things.

    I cannot stress the amazing thing that is moving to a different place, in order to start discovering yourself and exploring your sexuality. No take things slow, make new friends and remember that if someone doesn't want to be your friend because you are gay, then you don't really want that person as a friend anyway.

    I'm speaking from my own experience :slight_smile: