I have thought of myself as gay now for some time since school (i'm now 19), i only really started to think of myself as gay from year 11/12. I suppose internet pornography had a large role in me accepting myself, i drifted in time over from straight to gay porn because i found it hotter. The other day a friend of mine found files on my computer showing i was looking at gay porn. I came clean to him and he seemed ok with it, if not a bit uncomfortable. He suggested it might be phase and promised not to tell anyone. Which to be honest left me at stage one. I am still afraid of coming out, not becuase of rejection really, but because i wonder if it might be a phase, whether i will be left alone, becuase no guy will ever like me, but shunned due to my beliefs and whether the gay lifestyle is really for me. As i told him i came over with shame i hung my head feeling wrong like a bad child, i was also shaking. I got mildly drunk afterwards to stop the shakes and cope with my rush of fear. I've said little to my friend about it since, he had done nothing about wat i've told him and he still uses gay as an adjective cause he's too fucking lazy. He acts as nothing has happened, even tho that might be out of concern and how he said "it doesn't make any difference" I feel like i should tell my other friends and have come close but i find it nerve wracking and scary. Coming out is not the same as being outed. I wish my friend has just told everyone and not left me with this decision. Thought and comments please.
Two of my friends know, one via MSN (my decision to tell him) and another knows because at a party he put me on the spot about fancying him (he is straight), I looked round to make sure no one was looking and came clean. Neither have them have really mentioned it since, except the one I told over MSN at the same party earlier, heard me say something along the lines of "Im an ass man" to another of my friends. I realised momentarily that I might have outed myself to a whole host of other people, and quickly covered my tracks. They seemed to buy it - the fact we were all alcohol induced by that time seemed to help - but anyway he was looking at me after that, I knew what he was thinking and I just said "I'm coping" and smiled, and he just said "Good". Don't feel rushed to tell friends. I'm for one pleased neither of them have outed me and it's still in my control. Who knows and when is one of the things in this whole thing you can control. What I am doing is basically "spearheading" them, one at a time as I become certain that they won't betray me. It's a slow process - two in one year - but it's the only realistic option for me at the moment. If/when I tell my family, I might do things a little bit quicker, but until then I'm perfectly happy at the speed I'm going. Don't feel guilt in not telling them, your not lying to them or doing anything wrong. You are in control. Believe me I know the sickening feeling you get, and so do a lot of other people on this board, but 9 times out of ten it'll be a good experience if you plan it right. You won't regret doing it yourself.
Well, I think at some point everyone wonders if it's a phase and whether they'll be alone. And I think it's very common to wonder if you'll ever "fit in" with other gay people. But (and I think this has probably been said quite a bit) there's really no gay "lifestyle." There are the lives of people who are gay, and there are some stereotypical features of such lives (clubbing, drugs & alcohol, promiscuity) which get a lot of attention from mainstream media, but those stereotypical aspects are just that: stereotypes and generalisations. Like, for instance, I have a healthy appreciation for clubbing, alcohol, and promiscuity but really, they aren't huge facets of my life. And they're not huge parts of the lives of my friends. I think the longer you're out and meeting a variety of gay people, the more you realise that the whole "gay lifestyle" thing is a myth. There are definitely some people whose lives are pretty stereotypical for a time but those aren't the bulk of gay people and even with those people, the stereotypical periods are the real "phases." So my best advice would be to keep an open mind and realise that even if you're gay, you still get to be your own person and live your own life--no one will be forcing you to be something you're not. And if they try, you should tell them to get lost! *grin*
Just to let you know i have come out to another friend, this time without the need for him to find files that make him uncomfortable. It didn't even phase him tbh.
I kinda find i weird that neither of the people i have told have mentioned it since. Surely it must make at least a small difference. I don't want a coming out party or anythin with pink streamers everywhere lol but i would like to feel like they aknowledge me. I kind of feels as if i've had no burden taken off me really and that nothing has changed, and yeah i get that it is probably a good thing and i should be glad i wasn't nailed to a cross etc rofl.
Maybe they have no clue what to say so they're playing it safe (most people are total wusses *grin*). You should let them know it's okay if they wanna talk or ask about it (although then you have to be willing to grin and bear any stupid ones they happen to ask).
