Not a secret anymore!

Well, it’s still a secret, but its now a secret I share with one other person. I’ve finally told someone! :icon_bigg

I came to the realisation a while back that I don’t have anyone who really knows who I am, and I wanted to set about changing that. I decided I’d tell one of my female friends first. She works just around the corner from where I live and I had the day off work so I organised to catch up with her for lunch. I was asking her about work and was only sort of half listening cos I was thinking about what I was planning on telling her. I asked her how things were outside work, just life in general, waiting for her to ask in return “What about you? How are things?” Then she asked exactly that and my heart started thumping!

I knew what I wanted to say but it was hard to get it out. I was lying on the ground, looking up at the sky, not at her, and just said “I’m a fraud. I’ve spent about 6 years pretending to be something I’m not, or pretending not to be something I am, however you want to look at it.” ...Silence... “Have you ever wondered why I’m 26 and haven’t had a girlfriend? Have you ever wondered why I broke into a cold sweat and ran the other way when *female friend* told me she was interested in me? Have you ever wondered why I own seasons 1, 2 and 3 of Golden Girls on DVD?!” That made her laugh, and that made me feel better. :lol:

Then I asked her if she’s ever wondered and I was surprised to find out she hadn’t. Well, she had, a while back, but only in passing. I’m not at all camp, but I thought there must be some things that I say or do that make people wonder. Actually I was kind of hoping people did wonder cos I figured it would make it easier to tell them. Apparently I’d done a good job of pretending, which is ironic because obviously I was pretending because I didn’t want anyone to know, but there was a part of me that hoped I wasn’t all that good at pretending.

I wasn’t sure exactly how I thought I would feel after telling her. It didn’t really feel like a huge weight had been lifted, but that could have been because we didn’t get to talk that much afterwards. Half an hour after I’d told her I was dropping her back off at work. I came home and I didn’t really know how I felt. I was happy that someone else finally knew, but I also felt like I had to get used to the idea myself. Even though I’d known for ages, it was like by telling someone it was only now feeling real.

Since we didn’t get to talk that much, I wrote her an e-mail once I got home, and said some things that I couldn’t quite get out while we were talking. As the afternoon wore on I did start to feel better for having told her. I now have someone who I feel like I can just be me when I’m around, and that’s a good feeling. It might just stay between the two of us for a little while yet, but this is a big step, and somewhere I never thought I’d be a month ago...

 

Ha ha! - I like it. Very funny. :lol:

That's so true!

Congratulations on telling your mother. I feel like it will be a while yet before I’m having that conversation with my family, but hopefully it won’t be too long before I feel I’m ready for it. I guess the weight lifting will be a gradual thing, as we tell more people and as those people become completely at ease with it. That’s what I’m thinking at least – can’t really say for sure since I’ve only told one person. It’s been a couple of days now since I’ve told this friend and the range of feelings I’ve had is quite broad – from vulnerable (I’ve never been any good at sharing my thoughts or feelings with anyone) to relieved that I have someone who knows who I am. I think the biggest thing though is that I feel more comfortable in myself. Until I actually expressed my feelings to someone else, there was a part of me that was still trying to refuse to believe I was gay. It’s real now, and I can move on. I’m just gonna be me, regardless of what it might make people think.

 

Well, its only taken a little over a week for 1 person to become half a dozen – and I didn’t even have to open my mouth! After I told my friend she organised for a group of us to go out on the weekend, and she did a very good job of managing to get me quite drunk. I lost my inhibitions and opened up and told her a lot of my thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t quite articulate when I had confided in her the first time. She told me that she had told her boyfriend, but I had expected that. Then there was her workmate who came with us; she told her too while we were out, but that didn’t concern me – I’d only just met her. Plus, from my rather intoxicated ramblings on the way home, I’m pretty sure the taxi driver now knows as well!! :icon_redf

But the first unexpected ‘outing’ was to a male friend. He lives near her and they are quite close so I sort of figured if I didn’t tell him soon, the news would eventually get to him. Him and I are quite different in a lot of ways, and he’s not the kind of friend who I would just ring up for a chat. We sometimes go a while without seeing each other and I sometimes wonder whether, if it weren’t for our mutual friend, we might have slowly lost contact since high school. Well, I’m damn glad we haven’t because I was blown away by the text message I got from him last night. To paraphrase “Just heard your news, not a great shock, none of us care, we’re there for you no matter what, your still just you to us.” :icon_bigg

I really thought when I told my friend that it would be a long time between that first step and the next, but I’m discovering that the more people who know, the more comfortable I’m feeling. I’m still dreading some of the conversations that I’m going to have to have though, I just wish everyone already knew. And I’m realising now I should have done this long ago, but hey, at least I’m doing it now. I’ve also realised I’m obviously a good judge of character, because I think I have the best god damn friends in the world!