"My Secret Pain"... my coming out

Coming out... finally!
In the fall of 2011 I was at a crisis point in my life, being gay but hiding for a very long time. The following was from my heart at that time and I called it…
“My Secret Pain”
Right now, this very second I'm in so much pain that I want to die. Fifty one years of keeping secrets is eating me alive, I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Most of my memories of childhood are non-existent as the secret had to be kept at all costs. The way for me to do this was to forget everything.
As far back as I can remember at age four I had a type if sexual awareness for other boys. How or why I had this awareness is a mystery. As a ward of the state anything could have happened. It could have been in my home before removal by children's services at age three, at a foster home, or the children's home before being adopted.
Now at fifty-five, I'm dealing with being gay and married and what am I going to do about it. I know the fashion is to come out, but my heart tells me no. How selfish would it be of me to come out now and devastate my elderly parents? And hurt my loving wife of thirty-three years. She has been at my side all the way through hell and back, including the loss of our daughter at age twenty by suicide. My other daughter would probably never let me see my grand kids again. I know the pain I feel is unbearable; how could I inflict that on a loved one?
Maybe with my constant flight schedule a plane will go down and I'll be the one killed. That way my secret pain will remain with me to the grave. I'm such a coward, my daughter had the guts to do it, why don’t I.
I've prayed so many times to be "normal" yet this issue remains the same. The Bible teaches that He knew us in our mother’s womb and we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So with that, was I born this way and if so do I really need to ask for forgiveness or changing? Round and round I go, slowly going down the drain with each time around with my secret pain. Will it ever stop, ever change, will I ever be accepted for who I am? So I finally can be released from… my secret pain?
……………………………….
A few months after I wrote that letter to myself I somehow summoned the courage to come out to my wife and the world. It was a very rough time since then, but it's getting better. She blamed herself for quite a while, but over time she is realizing that it’s no one’s fault. Some may say that I was just trying to join in the “trend of coming out”. This was the hardest decision that I've ever made in my life so trust me when I say I wasn’t trying to be trendy. I just couldn't live with "the secret" any more... it was literally killing me (mentally, physically and spiritually).
Some of you may be wondering what took me so long to come out. I've wondered that many times myself. There were many hindrances, growing up in an ultra conservative farming community where it was better to be a serial killer than being gay. Religion, family and the like also made it abundantly clear that I wouldn’t be welcome anymore. So block by block I walled myself off, trying to hide even from myself. Mainly I hid due to FEAR, of being alone, unloved and even being dead.

Post script:
Now that it’s been almost a year later I made this post to my timeline on Facebook a month or so ago.
“I’m not so naïve to think that all who I come in contact will be happy for me. Some may be hateful and despise me for what and who I am, and if that’s the case just save your hate and un-friend me. Others I hope will be supportive and help me along my journey. Some of the days ahead are going to be rough, yet I hope there are also days of self acceptance and awe and wonder. There might be some that think that how can I be a man of faith and be gay… you should know one thing… nothing can separate me from the love of God, not you, not myself or my being gay.”

 

thanks anann... i look forward to reading about your experience, know that i and others support you!

 

Thanks Wuggums, no they aren't very loving. They forget its not for them to judge.