Well, here it goes

First, I'll apologize in advance for the length of this. It's not my intention to write a book or anything, but there's just a lot I have to get off my chest. But the following is my testimony...my discovery. I have left out nothing.
It's odd, you know, how one tiny moment can change your life forever. I guess early this summer I reached one of those rare moments when your life splits--when time can only be defined as before and after.
Back in early summer, some of my old fraternity brothers decided to take a trip up to Canada. We always heard that it was cool up there and we wanted to check it out. Besides it was a good excuse to get out of Alabama. I had no idea that those few days would change my life. The journey that began innocently enough in Canada would continue long after I got home.
The first couple of nights we did all what "straight" guys do. Go to bars, talk about women, the last girl we slept with..all that guy stuff. Pretty routine. But the last full day and night were different...for me anyway.
That last afternoon I went on a jog around the city and--completely by accident--I took a course and ran through the city's gay village, which is remarkable. So I took note of this and asked in my broken French about the night spots, etc (I've had a few of these random hookups before, but I just passed them off as "God I can't believe I did that" and "this is just a phase...you like women remember?)
Later that night, when everyone was at the hotel bar, I said I was going to sleep. I went back to my room, changed, snuck down the stairwell and headed to the village. My heart was litterly pounding out of my chest as I ventured into a couple of the clubs. Then, it happened.
They always say that you will never forget your first love. I still remember my first "real" highschool girlfriend...and I know I will never forget the person I met that night.
I was wearing a ratty hat and an old torn "Alabama Crimson Tide" T-shit when from across the bar I hear a shout "Alabama!" I looked up, and there he was. "What brings you so far from home?" So, we began talking.
I remember everythiing about him. His face, smile, those beautiful eyes and even the way he smelled. I know, I know...that sounds really gay.
Anyway, we hung out all night and I went back to his place.
That was the most amazing moment and time in my life. I had had a few randoms in the past, sometimes caught myself checking out guys at the fraternity house...but nothing like this. For the first time in a long time, I was at peace and yes, happy to be where I was in my life. And I felt a little bit of envy, that he could live a life that I couldn't. Next morning we exchanged numbers and I went on my way. What is this odd feeling and why can't I shake it?
It was June 18, 2008. 8:35am in a cab back to the airport when I finally admitted to myself that these fellings were not just a passing phase or part of just another drunk "dude I can't believe I did that" night.
It was then when I knew that I was gay.
But how is this possible? Seriously, how could me--of all people--be gay. I've got the perfect resume of the typical straight guy. Not into clothes, high school athlete, love NASCAR, hunting and football. Big fraternity guy when I was in school and dated plenty of women. But there was always something missing. In the back of my mind I knew what it was, I simply never admitted it.
Needless to say, this guy really threw me for a loop, because I have never felt like this before. God, I didn't wash that Alabama shirt for three weeks.
Never before have I ever had the privilege of sharing such a moment with another human being. I will never forget it or him.
I once had a good friend that met some chick on spring break back in college. Best night of his life he said. After graduation, he got an awesome job making close to 6 figures. A few months into it he up an left. "Gotta find her" he said. My response was: "You are going to give up everything you have to go on a wild goosechase to find some girl that you spent one night with a year and a half ago. Tell me how much sense that makes"
Well, now, it makes perfect sense to me.
So that brings me to today. Confined to a straight life in Alabama. It is not a happy existance, but one that I deal with day to day. I've only told a couple of people (two friends that I would trust with my life) My one gay friend that I have told me, "I always knew this about you...you just had to find out on your own. No one else can do it for you"
The sad part is that I know one day i will have to leave home to be not what I am, but who I am...and I think I'm ready to do that. If I don't, I know it will consume me and I will live alone and bitter. Even though it is a little painful to think about my one night in Canada, I still can't help but smile.
Anyway, that's it. I know it was long, but there is a lot to tell. I'm still growing into this, and maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to openly live the life that is waiting for me.

 

Thanks guys for the kind words...they mean a lot during times like this.

 

Well, she's one of these non-conformist "rage against the machine" types who lives in NYC because she had to get out of the South. She and I are polar opposites on everything, but she's a good friend and one of the few I trust in this world. That being said, she was totally cool with it. She said I was nuts if I told any of my "barbarian" friends right now though