Command of the Written Word

I didn't think that I'd really have anything to post in this thread -- I didn't think that I'd have anything interesting to say about my coming out -- but the more I think about today, the more I realize that it might be of benefit to me and to others to tell you all what happened.

So I've been as ready as I was ever going to be to come out to my family but I just couldn't find the words. I've been thinking about this for quite a while. I had all these fancy plans to hijack Easter this year and tell them while we were all together. That failed and I crashed into a flaming ball of self-destructive collapse. What I realized is that I wasn't going to be able to say it face-to-face -- but that didn't stop me from trying right up until 10pm tonight.

I was at my father/step-mom's for dinner tonight and I really thought I could do it. So, while at work today, I sent my sister an email -- yup, I got the balls to finally come out to my sister in preparation for telling my father. My sister's been wonderful all day -- and will continue to be. Her words have been supportive and kind and I feel like even if my parents react badly that I've got family on my side. Frankly, she took it better than I expected.

I still couldn't tell my parents though -- so after a miserable 3 hour dinner, I came home, redrafted the email I sent to my sister and sent it to my parents. It's not the bravest way to come out -- and I still find myself mildly cowardly for doing it this way -- but it's out there. My parents will likely get the email tomorrow at some point during the day. I will likely get a phone call -- Da and I both work 10 hours tomorrow each at one of the two family's pharmicies. I know that they will still love me but I don't know how they'll react. The next few days will be very interesting; this whole thing may not be how I planned it but I'm still glad I did it. I may not be ready to throw my own pride parade but I certainly feel better being on this side of the closet door -- even if I'm still barely a step outside.

In case you care to read it, my letter is as follows:

 

That's awesome that you decided it was time. The e-mail was perfect equal to or better even than what you could have said in words. It may not feel the same as saying it in person, but you got it all out and that's the important part

 

So, all went well. My sister continues to be VERY supportive and has gone out of her way to make me feel loved. I had no worries about her.

My parents called me at work yesterday and let me know that all was well. My step-mom told me that she will always think of me as being her son and nothing will change that (she and I have a very close relationship -- far closer than I am to my biological mother who I don't even label as one of my parents anymore). She assured me that she will stand by me no matter what. My father's reaction surprised the heck out of me. He didn't just say that he loved me -- he apologized. He told me how sorry he was for creating an environment where I didn't feel comfortable speaking my mind -- he took it kinda personal. He then belayed my fears of being a coward by doing this in writing by telling me that first, there were a lot of conversations that he would have liked to have had but didn't because he couldn't find the words and second, that if he had been able to write some things down he'd be a different person today. Finally, he said that he didn't care how I told him, he was glad and proud that I started the conversation and that he wants this to be the jumping point for a whole new dialogue between everyone in the family. From the way it looks today, this may be one of the must unifying things my family has ever gone through since my first step-mom died of breast cancer in 2001 (may the perpetual light shine upon her).

In short -- the closet door may have slammed shut behind me but it didn't hit me in the ass on the way out.