Best Friend - outcome

You may have seen in the Support and Advice section that I was planning on coming out to my best friend:

http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14100

Well, I did, and it went ok, although I messed up somewhat, through cowardice. Although I did sort of make up for it. It's all explained here:

Basically, I couldn't get the courage to say that I had been feeling this way for a very very long time, and essentially said that recently I'd been thinking that I might be bisexual.

She took this very well (in a very matter-of-fact, no-big-deal way), and asked me why I thought this. And I said I'd had a crush on this girl etc, but also that I wasn't sure. She's a believer in the spectrum thing, so we talked about that for a bit. But then she said she thought I was just thinking that because of everything that has happened recently and other reasons, and that people go through phases. I said this time that it wasn't a phase.

The topic came up several times - for instance, when we're talking about men, I'd say "if I ever meet a man or a woman" - and gradually I got more insistent that I was sure. The reason she thought I just think I am isn't because she doesn't want me to be - she isn't homophobic at all, and from our conversations, it was entirely clear that she really doesn't care - but because she herself had gone through a phase of thinking she might like women, but then had realised/decided that she was straight. She did say that obviously only I knew what I felt, but that this is what came to her mind because this is what happened to her.

The topic came up many, many times, and I tried to reiterate the point that I was sure, without ever saying that I'd felt this way for a long time. The other thing I did was say that I wasn't sure if what I felt for women was actually sexual :eusa_doh:. This is stupid, because it is. But I said this several times. In spite of my best intentions.

However, at one point she said again she thought I might just be thinking that I am, and I said with a lot of insistence, "no, I'm sure I am". And then she said "ok, I accept that, obviously you know best". Every time we speak I get more insistent.

So the situation is that she thinks that I've recently begun to feel this way, that I'm not sure it's sexual, but that I am sure that I am, and she had similar doubts about herself in the past but dismissed them, and she did or does think I'm going through such a phase.

I was not and am not able to talk about how I've felt like this for ages, so don't tell me to do that. I think that reiterating the point kind of worked, and I think that if I just keep up my story it will work in the end. I think that she thinks as she does because she went through a "phase", and therefore thinks I am too. But we are operating completely normally and discussing it all the time, with me being insistent on it and her relenting somewhat. I even managed some mentions of famous attractive women, which I was proud of.

So - she is essentially totally accepting, and doesn't care either way, and we spoke about it many many times and still do (it's not a taboo subject), but I feel unable to tell her that it's the way I've felt for ages - mainly because I don't want to make her feel like I've lied. But I think that I'll not push the point at the moment and I think that the longer I insist that I am the more she will realise that I'm not in the position that she was in but that I actually am.

I really, really do not think she cares whether I am bisexual or not - I think that she is just thinking about her own period of confusion, and thinking that I'm going through the same thing.

But we talked about gay/lesbian issues all the time (and indeed frequently do) so it's not like this is it. The door is open now for more discussion at least.

I hope you can make some sense out of this about where we stand!

 

Thanks guys!

I guess you're all right... I mean, I did come out to her, and she was totally accepting, and we did and do discuss it a lot. I mean, she has the message, and is ok with it. And we're still talking about it - not in an angsty way, but in a casual "oh yes you like women too don't you" kind of way.

I am so relieved I cannot explain how much so. It's very odd, having hidden myself from her for more than a decade, to suddenly be talking openly about these things with her.