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Is it normal to feel this way after being outed?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Twarner120, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. Twarner120

    Regular Member

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    First of all, I hope this is the right section since it's sort of a coming out story.

    So I've only really came out twice, all about a year ago in my sophomore year of highschool. The first time I came out to anybody was to a friend, and I ended up being outed by her to most of my other close friends when they found out that she knew something that they didn't and she ended up telling them despite my objections and to be honest it kinda hurt. The second time was the last day of that school year, when I came out to a group of a few friends, that didn't know yet, when we were talking about how the one girl came out to her parents and I decided I wanted to take another step to being fully out and come out to them (mostly the gay girl, the other two were just kinda there). By the end of the day, one of the two straight girls in that group, I'm not sure which, had basically outed me to the whole grade, which was not how I wanted that to happen. It led to a lot of fighting between those girls and my other friends over who outed me and a lot of accusations were thrown around and brought a lot of unwanted attention to my sexuality as hours ago I was almost completely closeted. It was beyond frustrating.

    My parents found out somewhere between those two events. My mom ended up finding out because I accidentally left my youtube logged in on her laptop and she said she "happened upon" my youtube history (which I know is BS, you dont accidentally go through someone's history on youtube, you have to be looking) and found a bunch of videos about coming out, etc.

    Anyways, now that you know my story, what I'm trying to say is: Is it normal to feel frustrated about these kind of conditions in my coming out? I mean, everything turned out fine, over time my parents have started to accept it (although there's still a lot of disbelief even a year later) and I didn't really have to go through that stressful moment of coming out to my parents, and it just kind of got thrown out there without me doing anything. But I kind of look back on my coming out and wish that I had more control over it. I kind of wish that when I came out to my parents it was when I was ready and because I made that decision to move forward in my life.
    And on top of that, none of the people involved with outing me to my school will actually tell me the truth about what happened, despite having assured them that I don't have any anger towards them, just towards the situation. They just kept blaming each other. And it's frustrating how it was all out of my control and I don't even know all the details about how I was completely thrown out of the closet.

    So basically is it normal to be frustrated about these things or should I just be happy that I had it pretty easy coming out, because in most of the situations I didn't have to personally come out, I didn't have to tell my parents and I didn't have to make any kind of big public announcement or anything to be fully out. It doesn't really matter now, as I'm now completely out of the closet and I'm pretty much secure and comfortable with my sexuality now, so I should probably just let it go, but it's just something I think about a lot

    Sorry for all the rambling haha.
     
    #1 Twarner120, Jul 28, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2014
  2. HM03

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    Even though your coming out went OK, you have the right to feel frustrated.
    They did not respect your privacy (your mom) and didn't know/respect how much you trusted them with the info (your friends).
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Any time someone outs you, or betrays a trust or confidence in any way, it is going to feel hurtful. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed.

    I describe being outed before you're ready to suddenly finding yourself naked in front of whomever it is you've been outed to. It's a part of yourself you weren't ready to share with anyone, it's something you'd be open to ridicule or judgment about, and people have a tendency to tell others.

    But like being naked in front of someone... at a certain point, you realize it doesn't matter, and there's nothing to be ashamed or uncomfortable about. It sounds like you're slowly getting to the place where it's less of an issue ofr you.

    I do always caution people who are thinking about telling someone in their school that it's unwise to share it with anyone (often even a best friend) unless and until you are ready for everyone to know. For whatever reason, being gay is such a hot piece of gossip "currency" for teens that it can be nearly impossible to keep under wraps. And invariably, the "one person" your friend tells can't keep it to him/herself either, tells another "one person" and... as soon as it's one or two people removed from you, any commitment to keeping it under wraps is long gone, so before long, the whole school knows. We've seen that play out many times here at EC and while it can ultimately work to the advantage of the person coming out -- they can then live their life openly -- it can be really traumatic in the short term.
     
  4. Richie.

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    BIB. I like this analogy
     
  5. RobinHood

    RobinHood Guest

    Yes, of course you should feel betrayed and frustrated. It's just, you can't help it. My first girlfriend told our neighbour about our relationship after we broke up. I was surprised because she used to be in the closet and then, bam. Afterwards, my grandmother started to ask me awkward questions (because it's a small neigbourhood, everyone knows everything). I never talked to my ex or my neighbour. I really don't care anymore. People change, some people will hurt you. It's just how it goes.