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Religion Destroyed 8 Years Of My Life

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by cb987, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. cb987

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    (Back story) As a young boy growing up in South Arkansas life was fun, adventurous and great. I was chasing my close friends on our bikes through the woods, making mud holes, getting in fights and climbing things i wasn't supposed to climb. This was the life i was supposed to live as a young boy. This awesome boyish life seemed to change into a nightmare that spiraled into my teenage years.

    I was seven or eight at this time when things started to change for me. I was introduced to something foreign. Something that i had no earthly idea what it was. One of my close friends Stephen, who was five years older than me decided to do something. He asked me if i knew what "sex" was and i told him "no." He started doing things to me that made me feel awfully good. This started being a daily thing until i was nine. I didn't know what i was doing and i felt like it was a regular guy thing to do. I didn't know what this sex was. I didn't even know that guys and girls had different body parts lol.

    This spiraled into me finding things out on my own. Their were a couple of girls on my street that i liked and were "attracted" to. I decided to take this sex thing up to the next level. I asked the girl if she knew what sex was. She of course said no. So i decided to show her and no i did not put my wing wang anywhere near her because of course i didn't know what to do and can you imagine my 8 year old penis? So i touched her in her foreign places. I moved when i was nine and started fresh.

    I started going to church when i was ten or so at a local methodist church. I was devoted christian church goer and i believed that if you sinned you would go to hell blah blah blah. The next couple of years were as you would say normal. I was a normal boy again doing boy things. When seventh grade year came around everything started to change. I started in my youth group and i was very religious acting and i loved every minute of it. I loved living a "pure" life. Then i started learning about all these different sins. That's where the confusion started.

    In my first two years in middle school i invited a close guy friend over to spend the night. The usual boy things happened: video games etc. But bedtime came around and things got heated up. I started feeling things happening to my body and he did also. So this foreign sex thing that i tried many years ago, i started to try again. The feelings were mutual. We started doing things and i felt so bad after that night. I cried and beat myself down because of it. I beat myself down because i knew that it was a "sin" and i would go to hell if i didn't "repent." So i went to church and repented of my sins. I started to feel better again. Until i invited my friend over again and it happened again. I knew that their was something there. I knew that this couldn't be wrong. But after it happened again i felt horrible. Religion was tearing me apart. I wanted to feel those feelings but i also felt bad for feeling those feelings.

    I started having feelings for this guy and he also started having feelings for me. But i didnt profess my feelings to him but he professed them to me. My response to him telling me these things were "I don't roll that way, im a christian and i cant like you like that. Im not gay i was just experimenting with you." Well i still kept leading him on. I was flirty with him and around a year later he professed to me again. I again said the same thing i did before. I was thirteen or fourteen at this time and i really liked him but i suppressed them. I believed i was a christian and i believed i would be hated and bullied by everyone. I believed i would go to hell, i believed it was the worst thing you can do.

    (I also had relationships with girls during this time period. I was still trying to convince myself i wasn't gay)

    I kept going to youth feeling depressed and horrible. My youth pastor would constantly tell me to fight these demons you cannot be gay because its a sin. I kept on fighting but i kept on getting worst. I was going in a deep depression. Until i decided to come out around 17 years old. I was so depressed and i finally came out to my parents and friends and it felt like a load of stress was lifted. They were supportive and still loved me for me, But i was somehow still depressed. I hated my life for so long that i still couldnt allow myself to be happy. I still didnt come out to all my church people till this May. During my first semester of senior year the depression got so bad that i decided to kill myself because i didnt want to be in this world of hatred. I ended up one night on the edge of my bed taking as many IBuprofen i could. I took 16, thinking that would be enough to kill me. But no, nothing happened. I went to bed regularly and all i felt was dizzy and tired.

    (Also around this time I started looking back when i was younger and i knew i was gay before the drama when i was 8 because i used to wear my moms heels and walk around the room and i also loved barbies lol. So my friend did not turn me gay when i was 8. Ive always known.)

    This apparently wasnt enough so i thought of hanging myself but i couldnt get myself to do it. This time was very difficult for me and finally i had a realization that i didnt care what other people thought of me. I suddenly turned around for the good. I was content with my life and i decided to venture out and tell the whole world i was gay. I told my close friends and family 2 years ago but i still havent told all my facebook friends that had all of my church people and family who lived in other states on it. I decided to tell them my story during May of this year. Ive had no negative comments and ive had a very blessed time with friends. :slight_smile:

    (I finally had a change of mind because of a close school teacher saw how my life was and decided to ask me for help. She was the best and she helped me out during these times and understood me-So this story is dedicated to her!)

    So my advice to the ones that havent come out yet. Things will get BETTER. Do not let religion or anyone try to make you different than who you really are. If you are going through the religion thing, dont let it get to far that you become depressed and confused on who you are. Do not let anyone bring you down. You are better than those people. Be courageous! Live your LIFE and LOVE it!!
     
  2. billybob

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    Religion took 30+ years of my life. What can you do? You just move on from where you are. At your age, you got it made! Life will be great for you. Trust me. Live it and enjoy it. Things will get worse and things will get better. Have a great time and fall in love.
     
  3. Maddie89

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    Religion did that to me too. Kept me from questioning or experimenting. If I had when I was younger, maybe I wouldn't have to realize I'm mostly gay 2 years into my marriage with whom I thought was my soulmate!
     
  4. Kimika

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    It did the same for me until I realized that I was "practicing religion" and not having a spiritual relationship. Then things really opened up for me, I even started going to a church that accepts people with open arms no matter what, race, creed, orientation, what have you, it doesn't matter.

    I agree with you, "Religion" is a terrible thing, but you shouldn't let that stop you from having a spiritual life. Sometimes that can be what really helps you through the dark times, like it has me.
     
  5. Damien

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    My empathy goes out to all who have been affected by this. Yes, me too; in fact, even now, when I'm finally allowing myself not just sexual but also romantic feelings for guys, I still sometimes have these thoughts "maybe you are just not trying hard enough" (ie to want to be with a woman again). Well the door's wide open, in fact it would be much easier to get to know a woman but that's just not where I'm at right now. But the fact that I still have this notion that I "ought" to try to be with a woman - I know damn well where this comes from. Our old common enemy, religion.

    There's a saying I recall (or words to this effect): without religion, the good folks would just do good things, and the bad folks would do bad things. But to get good folks to do terrible things, for that, you need religion.
     
  6. TrueBlue8228

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    Hey CB.

    I still struggle with religion. I am good with myself but its more my mother and her side of the family that is all religion based and opinionated. I love and look to the religious affiliation I'm apart of, but I struggle with its acceptance. Its stories like yours that helps me get to that place! Thanks!

    TB
     
  7. discalcedtierce

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    I am struggling with religion right now, too. I still attend Mass, because the liturgy is comfortable and familiar for me and I still cantor and love the music, but some of the people I go to church with are not the most accepting of LGBT people. However, I had a pleasantly surprising conversation with a person that still goes to church with me in where expressed that a mutual friend who is openly gay and in a relationship deserves happiness, so it's not all bad there, I suppose.

    Frankly, I'm agnostic right now and have no desire to have a relationship with a god that I am not sure I believe in. And at this point, I don't care to figure out what I believe. It will probably change later, but for now, I don't care enough to seek.
     
  8. One Man Army

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    OP, I'm glad to hear that things are much better for you.

    Often, religion does indeed make life unnecessarily harder for us than it would be. Personally, I'm scared of coming out to my Evangelical Christian parents. I know that they love me, and they are both warm, genuine, caring people. Of that I have no doubt. But I am seriously worried how they will react when I come out.

    As a side note, there are some churches that are LGBT-friendly, and many LGBT folks preserve their religious beliefs in spite of the fact that they're not straight (and that their non-straightness is not 'Biblical'...hmmph). Too often, religion is used as a tool to control, manipulate and guilt people but not all religious people are like that.