Should have done it differently

Coming out for me was long and rough road. I’m from a small town in the mid-west that consists of a bit over 500 people. I grew up with all of my classmates, although I was secluded to my family’s home in the summer. So, my conservative little town, never had a gay individual in it. I would be the first at the age of 21.

My father is a hard-ass, so to speak. I grew up in a very anti-gay culture and household. The thought of two men or women sharing love like a heterosexual couple disgusted him and also my step-mother. I never wanted to admit my sexuality because of it, and one night, I accidentally let it slip.

I was drunk. Just flat out drunk packing to visit my sister in another state for Thanksgiving. I was texting a buddy, whom I essentially had a “bromance” with. This guy, let’s call him Jack, is straight as can be, and we were the best of friends. We actually didn’t get along while we were roommates, but it changed. Well anyway, he was also drunk on this night 11-26-13, and was suicidal. Me caring as much as I did, I drove the 16 miles drunk to take care of him. I risked my entire future for Jack, and was okay with it.

I showed up to this man’s mother’s house, where he has lived for months. He is a high school dropout and needed to get his life together a bit. I arrived to his house where he was obviously upset, and started to deescalate the situation. I was able to eventually, after he told me a deep secret he has always pretend didn’t happen. Now, when he told me his secret, I spilled the beans of my sexuality. He looked at me with his jaw dropped and assured me it was completely okay. Since he was also from the same small town, I assumed I was going to have my ass handed to me. I asked him not to say a thing to anyone.

I was hoping that it could’ve stayed as simple as that night. But, unfortunately for me, he open his mouth the next day and told his gossiping mother. I was okay with it at first. She was able to talk me through some of the rougher times and doubts of being accepted.

So things went pretty well for my life after I told “Jack”. I also came out to my step-brother, a great friend who is a girl, my older sisters, and then eventually my parents.

With my parents, who are very conservative and anti-LGBT, I walked into their room before they fell asleep, told them, and then left to a friends. There was never really a talk because my parents have realized all of the horrid things they have said about LGBT people.

After my parents, I decided that was it. I didn’t want to tell any other people, unless they asked.

Too bad it didn’t work that way.

I went to a friend’s house with “Jack” and apparently earlier in the night, “Jack” and his mother told my other friend. I, once, again was intoxicated, and upset at this news. It was my secret to share, and I had it stolen from me. So, I made the decision to post it for the world to see, well my friends, on Facebook on 4-26-14. I received a lot of support from individuals I never thought would be accepting of it. Many people came up to me, texted me, or called me, and gave support. Things were going well once again.

And then it all went down the drain. Apparently, as soon as other people knew about my sexuality, my once friend Jack, decided that he was no longer comfortable with it, and then started to treat me terribly. He would not talk to me, or ignore me for weeks, then attempt to be best friends. This cycle happened many a times. I was essentially in an abusive friendship, and I felt down because I didn’t know why he was doing it. He also use to call me drunk looking to “fool around” and told me when we were hanging out that he would “hurt me sexually”, although I promised I would never try anything with him ever. I wanted to preserve the friendship although it was all under false pretenses.

I eventually was able to sit down and ask him why he acted that way. His response was that others called him gay for association with me and he was not okay with me anymore. He said he said the sexual things to “mess with me” and to be an “asshole”. He found it fun to treat me as less than human in some contexts.

My worst fear came true because of him. I wanted to feel accepted by those that I first came out to, and he could not do that for me. I am learning to be okay with it, but he keeps attempted to repeat the pattern of friendship. That makes it harder.

So, my coming out was rough for me. I wish that I would’ve chosen to tell someone I for sure knew would be accepting of it. I also wish I would’ve prepared myself instead of just blurting it out. I regret both of those things. So those are my recommendations for others, although each of us will experience our coming out differently.