Love Made Me Lose a Close Friend

I fell in love with one of my close friends. We've only known each other about a year and a half, and I really thought that he would become one of my best friends. I think he thought the same.

But everything changed when he fell for a girl who led him on without any intention of following through. I wasn't really able to hang out with him because he was always with her, and every time we all hung out together and I would talk to him and joke around with him, she would interrupt and make sure that he paid more attention to her than anyone else.

So yeah, we were growing apart, but me realizing my deep, deep, deep feelings about him was the final nail in the coffin. I've never liked a guy before, but I figured it wouldn't be any different than liking a girl. Plus, I trusted him enough to tell him I had developed feelings for him without completely losing him as a friend.

Gosh I was so wrong. I knew his orientation, and I convinced myself that there was 0 chance of us being together. I told him all of this and watched as that beautiful smile on his face turned into a mixture of fear and anger. He'd been depressed for almost five/six months, but I've still never seen that look on his face. He told me that he could tell I felt that way and that I had been unintentionally flirting with him all summer. Then he said he was frustrated with me for telling him that I liked him when I knew what he had been going through. We talked about it more a month and a half later, after he had basically ignored me every time I saw him for a month. I get it must be hard to have your friend come out as bi to you and tell you he liked you, but the entire time he just kept ignoring my feelings. Instead he just kept complaining about how so many guys and girls have fallen for him and his friends and how his life was in shambles because of his own feelings for another girl. And I apologized to him for not only telling him, but for having feelings for him in the first place. And I meant it too. But I shouldn't have apologized. Thank goodness I didn't tell him I was in love with him.

The worst part is it hurt so bad that I have no emotional attraction to him at all anymore. But I love him no less. Now I'm so physically attracted to him that it's hard to concentrate on anything else.

I've never been so depressed in my entire life. He made me feel so guilty for making him feel so uncomfortable all the time. I love him so much and I just want him to be happy, so I've been trying to avoid him as much as possible so I won't make him more uncomfortable. But I've been neglecting my other friends because of that because he still hangs out with them a lot. I used to be so enthusiastic and so optimistic all of the time. I used to be so full of life. But now I feel so apathetic and empty about everything. I want to cry, but I haven't cried in almost two years and every time I try and cry, I can't. I want to be happy again. I don't want to be in love with him anymore, but I can't imagine my life without him. But I don't want to hate him either and I just wanna go back to being friends. I don't know what to do. Any advice?