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Came out to Mom on Coming Out Day

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by RainbowSocks, Oct 11, 2014.

  1. RainbowSocks

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    Hey everyone. Happy coming out day!

    I had planned on coming out to about 5 people today. My plans got a wrench thrown into them when my dad went out of town but after coming out to my mom Im kinda glad he wasnt here.
    So I just came out to my mom about an hour ago. I expected her to take it well...but things didnt go the way I thought they would. The conversation went something like this...

    Me - You know todays a holiday?
    Mom- Is it?
    Me - Uh huh. Its National Coming Out Day
    Mom- Laughs
    Me- Mom. Im gay.
    Mom- I know. Ive thought so for a few years but a few months ago when you came to visit and went straight to K's (a friend who is a girl) house instead of to the house, I was pretty sure (note I live kinda far from my parents but I try to come home every few weeks for a weekend)
    Me-K has nothing to do with this.
    Mom-Isnt K gay?
    Me- I dont know. (Not my place to out her one way or the other)
    Mom-If you havent tried dating a guy how do you know? I mean if youve never tried it. Just to see.
    Me- How do you know youre straight?
    Mom- I just know
    Me- Exactly
    Mom-(I dont remember her exact words here but it was something like) No parent wants their child to be gay. I was afraid youd make that choice.
    Me - Its not a choice. Could you choose to be with a woman (she shook her head no). And I cant choose to be with a man.
    Mom-I dont have a problem with gay people. Youre still my daughter. Im still your mother. Your father on the other hand is going to disown you.
    Me-I know.
    Mom-I dont have a problem with gay people but your father does. I wish the doctor would have told me i had lung cancer and i would have been dead before you did this. Not because theres anything wrong with it but. Because I know when your father is told this and he starts in on you Im going to be moving out.
    It was a fairly calm conversation until that point which is where I started crying. I told her that knowing the way my dad is she should at least believe that this wouldnt be something I chose. And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. I wanted to talk more but I couldnt after the last thing she said. So weve been sitting on the couch not talking for almost two hours. Not what I was expecting but i guess it could have gone worse.
     
  2. mbanema

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    Congrats on finding the strength to go through with this. I'm glad your mother is supportive of you, though she's definitely more than a bit over-dramatic.

    Of course it sucks if your family ends up being ripped apart by this and I'm sure your mother will be hurting if she has to separate from your father, but please don't feel remotely guilty. It may never seem like it to anyone, but if your father could be that hateful towards his own child simply for being herself you're all better off without him. I truly hope he reacts better than you anticipate, but if not don't let that force you back into the closet. You have to live life for yourself.
     
  3. Blossom85

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    I do think despite how it all went, you still should feel proud of yourself for gaining the courage to come out to your mother. It sounds like she needs time to process it all, even if she had a feeling, the confirmation of it means she needs to through the whole process herself to finally accept what has been confirmed. I think what she said might be something she will regret saying later on down the track and she possibly might feel guilty as soon as the words came out.. Feeling one thing and then telling that person exactly how you feel in very blunt way like that is another and it may have been something that was just said in the heat of the moment. Still it is a very upsetting and stressful thing to hear from your mother.

    I am sorry that your Dad is not going to take it well, just know that the strength you displayed in coming out to your mum is amazing and not to be dismissed as it is a really hard thing to do regardless of if you know how they will or won't react. I agree, don't let his possible reaction force you back into the closest.. You are who you are, make no apologizes for that.
     
  4. SwimScotty

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    On the one hand, I'm glad that your mother reacted at least somewhat positively. On the other hand, I'm very sorry that your dad is going to be an issue. I would hope that your mom may be able to talk to him and get him to not disown you, but you would know better than I the likelihood of that. I hope that it goes well for you, but in the event that it goes poorly, there is a whole community of people here who are ready and willing to listen and talk to you if you need it.
     
  5. RainbowSocks

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    Thanks. I needed to read exactly all of what you all said. So thank you.

    To paint you a bit of a picture, my dad won't even shop at Home Depot because they support gay marriage. I have no doubt that I will no longer have a father after he finds out. I was actually going to tell them together on Saturday, but he went out of town Friday. So I only got to tell my mom. My mom is a bit of a gossip and I knew I couldn't tell her until I was ready for him to find out. I'm terrified and I know it's going to be horrible, but I'm ready.

    My mom has had this weird cough for a long time and the doctors are trying to figure out what it is. I'm not really sure how to take what she said. At first I took it as, she'd rather be dead than me acknowledge who I am and come out of the closet. But I guess it could be taken as her not wanting to be around my dad if he's going to treat me poorly. Either way, I shouldn't have to hide myself and be unhappy simply because my father is...well...an ass hat. I've done it long enough. He's the reason it's taken me so long to get to where I am now. Knowing he wouldn't accept me is the reason I've been terrified for the last 10 years. I'm not trying to disrupt her or anyone else's life, I'm just trying to finally live my own.
    We had a lot of awkward silences Saturday afternoon. I'm trying to give her time to process. I'd talk about it if she wanted to, but I don't want to force a conversation on her if she doesn't want one. But on the other hand, I don't want to let her sweep it under the rug. I left Sunday and won't see her for another month or so. We won't get to talk then because my dad will be back around. I guess I'll just give her some time.
    I'm glad you all mentioned not letting it push me back in the closet because I've regretted telling her the last two days. I need to think about the positives in our conversation, but the only thing that keeps running in my mind over and over is "I wish the doctor would have told me I had lung cancer and I would have died before you did this." It's heartbreaking.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Curious, is your mom happily married to your dad? Another way to look at this, based on what I read and how you described it, is that your mom may actually want to use this as a way out of the house. If thats not the case, at least you know she supports you and loves you. On the bright side, your at an independent woman and you can get on with your life as you see fit.
     
  7. RainbowSocks

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    Ahh explaining my family....

    My parents actually got divorced about 10 years ago, but were apart for only a few months before they got back together. They never remarried. I don't think she wants to leave. I think she doesn't want to be in the middle of the bloodshed.
    While I appreciate the thought that she would leave my dad if he treated me poorly, it's not something that I want her to do. It's not something I want on my shoulders.
    I moved away about 3.5 years ago for work. I think it's the best thing that ever happened to me because it wasn't until then...being away from my dad...that I began to accept myself.