My coming out

Hey, first of all, I'm new and I wanna do my coming out story

I was born in The Netherlands, now live with my grandparents in Canada.

I know I like guys since I was like 11 and started to fantasize about guys and noticed I didn't like girls (I had girls crushes but not sexually). I think I knew I always had something that was hidden and secretly and even had a sex dream when I was 7 or 8 about sword fights.... if u know wut I mean
I didn't wanted to be gay, so I decided to go as bisexual. Also because I think I crushed on girls but never wanted to something sexual with them.

I came out in the summer of 2012 for the first time, to my now best girl friend because I crushed on a guy and I wanted to tell someone. Though other friends wouldn't be surprised if I was gay (I didn't tell them, didn't wanted to lose them), I kept it between her and me.

At a party some guy told me that it was wrong to be bisexual blah-blah almost smashed a beer bottle in his face because he pissed me off.

Summer 2013, first sexual experiences like kissing etc., I came out to my best school friend, who wasn't surprised at all and we remained friends. I was in love so hard with a mutual friend of ours then because he was shy and so cute. I was heartbroken when he didn't wanna be my boyfriend, meh..... still not really over it. I came out to friends and colleagues that summer too, because I couldn't hold myself anymore and I wanted to let people know.

Until my mom came to know: complete drama, crying, depression, intervention between me and her, she went into a depression I believe thanks to me. I fought with my dad, did weed, got a panic attack, went to psychiatrics, went depressed deeper and deeper and came out to my dad. The last one destroyed me and I didn't feel that well for the next days. That weekend was the worst. I came out to him after he asked if I was gay, went silent for 10 minutes and told me I HAD to come home with a girl. He treated me like shit the next day when I woke up and went to The Hague for an alternative meeting where I had lots of fun with a guy I liked for years, but he ran away from home and went on drugs and I don't have contact with him anymore. When my parents discovered I had two new earrings, they went nuts. My dad told me kill myself, and that being bisexual was a mental disease and outed me to my grandfather who came by after my Dutch grandma raged at him that he was an asshole. My mom was away at that moment but they were cold and distant for weeks and weeks, I had to go on antidepressants which I had from like April 2014 to May 2014 and they didn't work. I had to make myself happy which kinda works!

Meanwhile I also learned that, since I never really was interested in girls, I was in fact gay..... that turned everything upside down. I fought with myself for months, and I finally can kinda accept the fact I am gay though I try to fantasize about girls or see if I get boners of girls which doesn't really work. I start to cringe when I think about doing a girl lol. I came out in Spring 2014 to my American greataunt and she was still loving and accepting me and I'm seeing her in a few days in Washington DC for the weekend!

Everything became better when I moved to my loving grandparents near Toronto, Canada. I had a new start, they say they see me improving from the start. Only when my brothers and mother came over from The Netherlands for three weeks, my grandma saw me falling back in my old pattern..... silent, following the rules, listening to mommy ugh. After months of doubting if I was real gay or not, I came out to a friend of my grandparents. She told me it was totally fine and great, but she told my grandparents after telling her I was feeling bad and depressed and was worried, at the same Saturday I wanted to tell them. We celebrated with friggin' rainbow sushi and said they wouldn't send me back to the Netherlands just because of this! and told me my dad wasn't welcome anymore in a long time because he was a dick to my Canadian grandmother, and they were merely disappointed in my mother because she treated me like I was confused......

Now I have to come over internalized homophobia and thinking of staying here, I will turn 18 next year and then I'm a free man.... then my parents have nothing to tell anymore and I can live wherever I want