Coming out to my mom, at age 27.

Sorry if this post is somewhat "scattered", can't think straight right now.

I just (5 minutes ago) came out to my mom... and it was, really... i don't know how to explain it, my mind is all over the place right now, i want to cry and to be happy at the same time... but mostly to cry!

So... i went to the psychologist today and we talked about how i should start putting my feelings in-front of those of others and... some other stuff about the person i love and stuff.

All the way home i tried to be in the "just stop caring about it" mood and... then at home, my mom suddenly came back early from work so we had an hour alone time before my dad got home...

So we sat and i prepared her as best i could... and then, after much "self reassurance" that she will not "flip", i told her that i was gay (because it is soooooo much more easy to explain than "pansexual").


Anyway this is how the discussion went:

Me: Okay, so i'm gay.
Her: No, no you're not, you've never been with a woman how would you know.
Me: I know, i've known since 4'th grade and it is why i had all those problems in school.
Her: No, someone put these thoughts into you.

<notice, she was frighteningly calm and smiling during the talk>

Me: I started to explain as best i could, that this is who i was that this is how i felt and that i wasn't something that was going to change.
Her: No, nothing is obsolete.

... so this went back and forth a bit, then she kind of settled. I think it sort of "sank" in, and we agreed to visit my psychologist together, next time.

She told me that i can't be gay since i needed to have a family, to which i replied that there is in-vitro and adoption and me being gay doesn't mean i won't have a family. I think she sort of understood this.

After this we discussed telling my dad, which we both agreed on not doing, since he's very narrow minded about such stuff.

And, then she asked me "do you feel better now, lighter"... and that almost pushed me over the edge, to start crying... And i redirected it towards her, asking if she was okay, and she said she was, and then we hugged and now it's like... nothing happened.

I went on to tell her that this was the one and only thing i was keeping from her and we agreed that from now on we will be open and honest about everything.

I'm sorry, i know it's stupid of me to even post here, considering how old i am, and it was stupid that i didn't do this sooner but... i just, feel so confused right now, i'm barely trying to not cry, since my dad is going to get home any second now.

I know i probably should not be posting such things, considering my current status, but... i just wanted to write this down, somewhere, while it was still fresh in my mind.




I'm proof reading right now and i don't feel the need to cry, not as much anyway, and... i don't know... i expected to feel lighter but... it's ... i want to cry, i don't know. I guess it won't happen instantly?!


p.s. - mods, plz change my out status to "mom, those who ask and some friends" i know it's stupid of me to ask this... but i want to see it for myself, i want to tell people that this happened! I'm going to tell my friends, tonight i just... feel happy!

 

Thanks to all, and to EC as well, for allowing me to be here, and learn!

Telling my mom was basically, the hardest part. I don't really have any other significant family members for whom's opinions i care for. I mean, apart from my dad... but, that can wait.

Feeling so happy right now! ☆*･゜ﾟ･*\(^O^)/*･゜ﾟ･*☆

 

Right... sorry to bump this but, stuff happened.

So, basically, my mom talked to me on several occasions, the most recent one being few minutes ago. She strongly expressed her belief that i wasn't in fact gay, that it was something that my psychologist told me and that i simply made myself believe it.

Here are some quotes:

"No, no... You are not gay, i'm 99% certain that you are not."
"I have this friend of a friend who also has sex problems, we should find you a sexologist."
"You will have a wife, i want a woman in the house."
"You will have a family, you will have kids."
"You've never had sex with a girl, you are obviously confused."
"Why did you suddenly decide this, did someone tell you you were gay."

etc...

Well, at least she's calm when talking about it, which kind of makes it even more weird.

At this point, i realize she is in denial and i know that the best i can do is to simply not care. And i am trying my best, not to find offence in all this, but... i fear that i might fail soon, and... stuff might happen.

Oh, bonus material:

I am also being wracked my anxiety over this and the impending "visit to the psychologist" together with my mom, and my relationship with this person i care for deeply and... to top it all off, some other "future/career" problems that i have to deal with.

To add to this, my mom suddenly decided that i MUST study Ecology, then suddenly she decided it should be Law, since one of her friends decided to study that. And now we are back at Ecology.

I proceeded to explain that i wanted to maybe, perhaps study abroad, move out of the country etc... And she basically told me that i won't be doing that:

"No, you are not! You don't even know English."

Now... you can kind of guess, that i didn't take this quite well, considering... as bad as my English is, i do in fact understand the language quite good. And she knows this, which makes the whole "you don't even know English" statement, that more confusing and infuriating.

As for our visit to the psychologist, as willing as she was few days ago, now she is all busy and... basically told me this:

"I just don't see the point, in wasting time on something that is not that important."

...so there.

Telling my mom, what did i achieve by this:

+ + +
- Now we can talk about anything
- Not forced to hide myself

- - -
- Slipped back into depression
- Can barely sleep
- Wracked with anxiety
- Started hating myself
- Random carvings are more frequent
- Saw that i basically, have no future, at least none in which my mom is a part of
- Feeling worthless


So... I'm still debating if me coming out was a good thing.


I just want her to slip into the "anger" phase, so we can move on. I can sort of feel that she is almost slipping, but... not quite yet. So i'm hoping the psychologist visit will push her.

Not anticipating for her to even linger in the "bargaining" phase, most likely she will jump straight to "depression". And at that point, i won't really care if she does accept it or not.

I'm tired of wasting my emotions on this person...

 

Can't turn to organizations in the capitol, since i live on the other end of the country (eastern part, coastline). Even if i could, my mom is quite stubborn, and won't agree to this.

So we had another argument, before she went to bed. And basically it consisted of her telling me that i had no right, to feel the way i'm feeling as, apparently my problems pale in comparison to hers and that of others.

At this point, she blatantly decided to look at my screens, to see "what i was looking at", maybe... as you said, trying to find an explanation?! I don't know... It was an invasion of privacy, and i let her do it anyway.

We talked, she blamed my friends and reminded me of past mistakes i've made, blamed those as well, stated that apparently i was hiding even more stuff from her, that i was dishonest with myself. And then stormed out the room, but not before mentioning how hard she had to work and that i was basically lazing around and therefore had no right to an opinion.



...and, just as i was writing this, my dad called. Basically he asked what me and my mom were arguing about. And being quite comforting, saying stuff like "you know you can always trust us, tell us everything, something was bothering you, you can tell me what it was". Which is quite strange of him, since he usually doesn't take interest in me all that much, at least not on an emotional level.

Should have anticipated this, seeing as how she got quite loud last night, as she was leaving the room.

Well, at least now i have something else to be anxious about.

Probably going to update once today passess, and i see how things play out.

 

Right... so, few hours later:

Today i went out in the city, to clear my head and do some stuff related to my future/education and on my way back decided to visit my dad at his work, and just... tell him everything.

Kudos to Gen, and Felix for giving me the strenght to do this, and to my bf, for not insta-ignoring me for being weird the past few days, over all this crap!

So we sat there, and i began, first the future/education thing, then the psychologist and then finally i told him i was gay. And... he took it, amazingly well. Was a bit confused at first, about how exactly i felt towards guys, so i explained (on a romantic level, how stuff were), and he got the idea. Then he told me not to worry and that he will talk to my mom.

Fast forward, to few minutes ago, they both are home from work, and have talked and few minutes ago we talked together as a family and... now they are both okay with it. My mom was... nothing like she was yesterday.

And... Yeah, they now both support the idea of me going to a psychologist, my mom promised to not push her ideas onto me anymore and... everything is okay.