This is a story that tells my tale to you all. It all begins with this. I've always known I was gay. From the sneaking feeling that followed me everywhere to the period of acceptance, my story is one of obviousness and clarity. So many things in my life have simply clarified that I was homosexual, and just as many have helped me to accept myself. It begins with me as a young boy, I was a different person my whole life and it started with the fact I never concerned myself with girl germs like so many others did. I attempted to hang out with girls at school and talk to them from that incredibly early age. My best friend was a guy though but it was because he had a condition that I related to. This was the only male friend I had for a long time. Much of this continued until I reached sexual maturity. By the time I was a teenager I was in high school and later on, it would be girls who took over as my best friends. I started to really feel things in grade 9, a strange feeling took over as I wanted to get closer to one of my best male friends of the time. I wanted to be with him and I felt attracted to this guy. I often would state at him for a very long time. I would even copy some of his movements in hope that he would notice me. This went on into grade 10 in which I was hurt by my feelings I wrote a letter to him hoping that he would be closer to me. I wanted him to hang around me every day because he made me feel so happy. He rejected it as I heard everyone call me weird and strange. I went into depression, I felt lonely, like no one wanted me to be around them and I also became the outcast. I began to hate the guy who had crushed my heart, but then a female friend came to the rescue I shared my feelings with her being careful to mention I was looking for friends and I felt I had none instead of the actual reason which was me feeling alone because I was a weirdo or a strange guy. I took up drama classes enjoyed them so much and I began to wean off depression after almost half a year. I had suicidal thoughts during the depression which had me thinking nobody cares about me, I might as well kill myself, I almost did it sometimes but when I tried to do it something held me back, my friend talked to me and worried about me. I eventually went to the school counselor and he helped me. I understood so many things and I knew I couldn't be so showing in my feelings. So came after the depression, I repressed any feelings towards men and pretended to be interested in women, life was fairly dull for me but at one stage I began to watch a different guy from afar, one who I also felt attracted to. I repressed the feeling so it was just a crush on this guy, I never copied his movements or anything like that, I just looked at him lovingly and watched what he did, I never cried and I began to question my lack of attraction to women, I settled on aasexuality as being my sexuality just to be safe and not prone to teasing and other bullying. I often thought a thought about my second attraction and I envisioned myself living with him and also had sex thoughts about him. I often ignored those thoughts and focused on life as a student at school. Women remained unattractive to my young self. This continued until the end of grade 12. To be continued.
During the high school period I only had 1 relationship which ended in a day because I felt uncomfortable being considered a boyfriend of a girl. During grade 12, my thoughts of my second attraction increased into far more sexual thoughts. I also felt attracted to more guys and watched them all from a distance and even copied some other guys movements some of my attractions I never even spoke to, I just felt it. In the year after grade 12 I felt even more sexual thoughts to my second crush, which inspired me to become his best friend because I enjoyed his company a lot, he made me feel attractive inside and I felt happier around him, but alas I realized the relationship was impossible as he was straight. This period entered into my thinking stage in which I thought long and hard about my sexuality and it came to me that I was homosexual, all the events of my teenage years all pointed in that direction including many of the minor single thought events. I began to then research my own life and the deeper I dug, the more I realized my sexuality. Early 2014 I accepted my sexuality but I was still unsure of one thing, the stereotype of the gay man did you have to fit itto be gay. I looked for it and found it two months ago from now and it was this website. I embraced my sexuality and accepted that it was who I was. I was always homosexual and it was a relief to finally know and so on Facebook I came out to three of my old friends from high school. Those three all answered with it's good you're accepting yourself. I then came out to mum and she denied it, she kept denying it and thought I was depressed but I tried to persevere with her, but she kept using the genetics excuse, well she's wrong in saying I don't have the genetics because I do and there is no point in denying the truth I am gay and have always been gay since the beginning of my journey and nothing is gonna change because I will always be a homosexual and I will be proud of it.
Duende I've been on this site a while I just decided to post my story because it felt right to post it.
So I'd like to continue this story with a few of the minor details within my story being revealed. The minor details of my story are extremely good pieces of evidence for myself and having now fully accepted my sexuality I am starting to be a more happy person. So within my high school years I have always been around females and been friends with them for most of my high school years. Now the first thing is during High School I did a significant thing when I was 16. This thing was making a list in my head of the sexiest guys in the school. I made this list with my idea of a sexy guy in my mind, I chose my second attraction as being near the top of the list of sexy guys. My list was never written down as if it was someone could have gotten their grubby mitts on the list and ultimately realized I was gay and then told everyone in the entire school. In the past week I have been researching things and by going onto Youtube and finding some Gay youtubers I realized that I was a completely gay guy and if another gay guy watched me, the supposed gaydar would be making a siren noise as I indeed stare at guys all the damn time. Also getting my first real boner from looking at a naked guy, that happened this week and it turns out I'm aroused and turned on by skinny guys. I have yet to come out to this friend of mine but as the time draws nearer I am becoming more prepared.
Now onto the next stage, I am noticing hot guys a lot more since I came out and it gives me a rather great feeling and also when a hot guy comes walking past my heart races. It is a sign that I've finally understood something about myself and I made the correct analysis about my sexuality.
Now onto the final stage and a bit of a reflection on some of the things I've realized. I came out to my best friend in the first face to face coming out I've ever done. It felt good to come out to my friend and the reaction was great, in fact he was pretty helpful as well even telling me some ways I could try and make some gay friends. For reflection time, I would like to say that many of the people on this site are amazing and for the first time ever on this site I feel like I belong, I've been reading other peoples stories and find myself for the first time ever relating to those stories. Feeling as if I've been there. I've never ever felt this way in my life. It feels like I'm among my own people for the first time in my life. This site has made me smile for absurd amounts of time and I've laughed and felt sad for other people. No other community has made me feel this way. Now, this last sentence may offend some people, but the outcast has found other outcasts and he feels at home among the other outcasts. Reflecting on my entire life and I realize I've always felt I didn't belong among everyone else and yet this community has made me feel so belonging. For the first time I realized that I made the right analysis and the right decision to come here and talk to some people and read their stories. One final thing and then I'll end this post, the final thing is that even though I might not like the same things as most of the people in this community, I still feel as if I belong in this community. I'd also like to say thank you to this entire forum even the people who didn't even help me out because you guys have provided stories and things that I can use to be proud of who I am. In fact I'd like to provide you all with some hope in your lives, but I'm not particularly useful on the internet in fact I'm more useful in real life. So I'd like to say thank you.
