1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Hello World (Warning-Long Story)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by BlondeRose91, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. BlondeRose91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2013
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I know I don't post that often, however I do intend to start posting more frequently on a possibly daily basis. I just have been going through a crazy transition in my life. I just moved states....AGAIN. I started working a week ago at a great job that I look forward to. I don't have many friends yet.... I am actually working on that as we speak. Before I get into the daily basis posts, i just want to express something to whoever may be in a similar situation as me. Hell, I just want to get this off my chest once and for all...Otherwise I may end up suppressing it for who knows how long.

    Throughout my entire life I always knew deep down that something about me was different. I think it all started when I was in elementary school. I was a tomboy. I always had more guy friends then girl friends. Girls actually terrified me when I was younger. I played all the sports, never got into the fashion trends, and I always was intimidated yet looked up to the pretty girls for some odd reason. I didn't think much of it. I got picked on a lot because I kept to myself. That actually continued through the beginning of high school. In middle school I was afraid to change in the locker room and to even look at the other girls. I never had a crush on boys. Although, the other girls tried to force me into these weird relationships with guys. I remember in middle school we had this sort of Spring Formal. The girls tried to get me to dance with this guy that was sort of an outcast and honestly I didn't want to... I wanted to dance with this girl instead. Let's call her Erin. Well Erin was different then the other girls. She was fun, exciting, and she was an amazing artist. She drew these pictures of girls that I was so entranced by. I ended up being a wallflower all night though. That's how most school dances went for me. I had one best friend from middle school through high school. We got each other, so it was easy.

    That's when I started to realize I was really different... I thought I just looked up to my best friend... It turns out, I was head-over-heels in love with this girl. It broke my heart though because once I realized how I felt, I knew it could never be more then friends between us. I still look back to this day and it is a fond memory. She is now engaged to the man she loves. High school was interesting for me. Still no crushes on guys. I tried dating one guy and it was awkward as hell. However, I always noticed every attractive girl... Whether it was the softness of their necks or the melody of their voices. I was in various sports and that didn't help at all. I never thought to explore these feelings because I was scared. I grew up in a very conservative family. I couldn't even date guys or go out with friends. So what I did was join every club I could, that way I would never be home.

    I always kept myself so busy that I never had time to really think about who I was as a person. I was like a puppet. My parents always decided everything and I went along with it. Deep down I have always been an individual though. I set expectations for myself that were always so much higher then my parents ever set for me. When I was in my senior year of high school I was a straight A valedictorian student. I was in all the clubs and sports. I volunteered. My parents wouldn't let me get a job because they said I wouldn't need to. So it came time to choose which school and degree I wanted to pursue. I wasn't sure about the degree. My dad called me wishy-washy and said I would probably end up dropping out of college and flipping burgers for a living....Hell, he originally told me I was going to flunk out of high school and get pregnant. He was wrong there. I was valedictorian and I could get into any school I wanted to. What's funny is I wanted to go to the college my best friend was going to. She was a good student as well. My parents forbade it because they said she was a bad influence on me. I never did drugs, was a virgin, and always listened to them. So once again I listened to them and chose a school that wasn't a good fit for me. I was devastated.

    I ended up going to a college and staying in the honors dorms. I had seven suite mates and for some reason they all hated me. I was always studying and they had gotten money from their parents and would go out... They were all gorgeous too. It was yet another epiphany that I didn't want to listen to. I had to make some kind of friends. So I started to hang out with the guys from my engineering classes. Of course the girls spread rumors that I was sleeping with everyone... Here's me on the side, still a virgin. So I started to become vulnerable... The feelings were getting so tough that I could barely focus on my studies anymore. I was getting depressed because I haven't felt this much like an outcast in years. Then the event happened that caused my life to spiral downhill.

    One night I went out with a guy friend of mine to go get coffee before studying. After getting coffee he parked in a dark neighborhood. I didn't think anything of it because I was too trusting and naive and I never really experienced life. He started trying to kiss me and touch me and I tried pushing him away. He persisted and no matter how much I screamed and cried, he won. Funny thing is, when I went back to the dorms that night with makeup all over my face and tears pouring down my eyes, my roommates didn't care at all. They were also in a survivor group for rape victims. A few weeks later they had a event where people could confess their stories with no worries of being judged. I decided to go up there and do what I didn't think I could do. I told my story and cried the whole time. When we got back to the dorm, my suite mates told me I was faking it for attention...So I learned to suppress any bad feelings I ever had. I became depressed. I wanted to kill myself on a daily basis. I started doing terrible in school and I let this feeling overcome me. I ended up joining an honors sorority because I thought maybe if I forced myself to have friends it would make things better. It ended up being a terrible choice. I found out that I was failing some of the most important classes I needed for my degree and I couldn't do a redo and take them again. I was too afraid to talk to my parents because I thought they would disown me. So naturally I took things into my own hands. I went to an end of the year party at a frat house. My "sisters" took me with them. I ended up being so unhappy that I had a bottle of Bacardi in one hand and a bottle of Tres Andres in the other. I drank those at an incredible speed and the last thing I remember of that night was walking to the dance floor. I woke up the next morning in bed with these sticker things all over me and vomit in my hair...I had the most massive migraine for about a week straight. It took a lot of investigating to bring the pieces of that night together. It was terrifying having a black out like that. Especially since I have never gotten drunk before.Let me tell you, I was way passed drunk. I found out that after I drank the two bottles, frat guys kept giving me shot after shot. Apparently I was so coherent that I didn't seem drunk. My "sisters" took me back to the house, where they left me laying on my back on the couch and went back to partying. From what I was told, I vomited everywhere and was unconscious. It took the ambulance 20 minutes to wake me up. I had alcohol poisoning and almost died because of it. So I couldn't even handle the smell of rum to this day.. I ended up having academic probation and moved back home... Which thankfully my mom told my dad I simply failed my classes.

    So it was tough for me to any kind of schooling. So I started working two jobs... I ended up working a night job at a local baseball stadium. This is where I met my next infatuation.I was still very depressed and self conscious though. Of course I fell head over heels for this chick I worked with who happened to have a crazy, psycho ex-girlfriend who was the mascot at the same stadium. This was the first time I actually tried to act on my feelings. She and I started talking and flirting. It was all very harmless. One night she and I were putting away all the games in the storage shed. Our eyes locked and she pulled me close and we kissed...I was so nervous that it made it seem to her that I wasn't into it, when in fact I was really into it. That was the first time I ever kissed a girl. Yet another memory I always tried to suppress because I didn't want to be truthful with myself.

    From that point till now I have had so many catastrophic fails with men because I kept trying to continuously force myself to be someone that I could never be. To the point that I got married at nineteen and divorced two years later. My most recent fail set in stone how I feel. I can not ignore who I am anymore. I am tired of trying to fit a box through a circular hole. It just doesn't work like that. The most recent fail shouldn't have lasted as long as it did. He knew how I felt, I think we were just so comfortable with the ritual of our daily life that it got too easy to stay together. I can't even look at a man anymore and feel anything more then friendship. It's like when you look at a dog. You love that dog, but not in a way that would lead to procreation! Because it is wrong. Men simply don't turn me on. Whenever I had sex with men I always found myself thinking about Olivia Wilde or Shayne or any other attractive woman. The male anatomy grosses me out. However, I am always more then ecstatic to help a woman out. I am tired of living in this bubble. I tried to kill myself a little over a year ago. It was a very tough time in my life. I feel if I am finally honest with myself and let things fall into place I will live a much happier life and feel more content. Maybe I will be able to stay in one place for more then a year now and actually build roots and establish friendships that could last a while...

    So in conclusion, i guess I am ready to admit what I have been suppression for so long. I am a lesbian. I love women. And nothing could ever change that for me.
     
  2. FrenchKid98

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2014
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Luxembourg
    Your story is very moving. I am sorry you had to go through so much pain :icon_sad:
    It's a good thing that you finally accept yourself, you'll see how great it feels :slight_smile:

    I just wanted to say, I don't know what are the statutes of limitations where this guy abused you, but if you haven't reported him I think you should. He shouldn't get to walk free after hurting you. I know people say it's hard to talk about it but if you can manage it, report what happened to the authorities.

    Good luck and be yourself (*hug*)
     
  3. BlondeRose91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2013
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thank you that means so much to me. It's been about five years now. At this point I have gotten over all the damage it did to me. In me eyes, he has to live with it on his conscious. Some days I feel depressed but I am getting so good at catching it that I end up watching a favorite youtube channel or listening to upbeat music. I have learned that it helps just to be honest with myself and not worry about what others think. I am who I am and it's never going to change. I figured the sooner I learn to love myself, the sooner I will live a long happy life.
     
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I am so sorry that you had to go through so much pain, suffering, and abuse; and that those who were closest to you and should have helped instead turned their backs and made things worse. I cannot imagine the pain of some of the things you have had to endure. I'm glad that you made it to this safe place. We are all hear to support each other!
    A few of the things in your story seem to be common to many of us. You're a lesbian, and I'm a gay man, but I had the same experience of always being the wall flower and never dating. There was also a lot of alcohol abuse in my story, which was all about covering up the pain of being in the closet and hating myself. And you mentioned the frequent moves. Wow. I have made an incredible number of really big moves. But once I got settled in and realized that I was still there and the same unresolved issues were still there with me, I started working on the next move. I was doing that here (I have been here in Texas for 16 months), but since I found this site, I've been rethinking that plan. And I think what I am going to do is to stay here and find a therapist who specializes in working with people dealing with LGBT issues, and stay the course with that. I hope to find a support group as well, and who knows, if I really get lucky maybe I'll make some LGBT friends. I don't have any of those (friends or LGBT friends you ask? yes. both). And by friends I mean friends. People that you can trust and be open and honest with. I haven't had any of those, maybe because I have been afraid to be open and honest with anyone, lest they "find out about me!" You're in a good place. Welcome! :welcome:
     
  5. BlondeRose91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2013
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I don't know anymore... I have days like today where everywhere I look I see some way to kill myself... I know that sounds terrible but it's gotten worse over the years. My family won't talk to me, I have no friends, hell even my coworkers have better things to do with their life. I am literally completely alone and I just don't know how much longer I can fight this feeling. I am so empty inside and I keep ending up in the same situation where I have no vehicle and have to live on somebody's couch while I save money to move, then something happens and I end up failing.. It's a vicious cycle and it's tough to live life when you have nothing to look forward to anymore. When all you life is, is work, sleep, wake up, repeat... I have been getting these feelings since I was a young girl. Nobody ever believes me though. They always say its a way to get attention. Or that if I want to die then I deserve to. The funny thing is, the only thing that has kept me from jumping off a bridge or stabbing myself has been the mere fact that I don't want to leave a mess for somebody to have to clean up. I always feel like a burden and I don't want to make that worse. And somehow I always end up making the wrong decisions, despite the fact that they seem to be the most logical. Every time I make a life change, shit seems to hit the fan literally right when I move there... I can't do this much longer. Pretty soon I will simply lose my will to fight...
     
  6. Clancularius

    Clancularius Guest

    Thank you for sharing your story. I found it very inspiring and very emotional. I've recently accepted that I'm transsexual, after years of depression. I've actually made 3 suicide attempts in the past 3 years, no one even knows about them. I've been constantly inspired by the community here at EC, and your story was one of the most amazing stories I've read.:thumbsup:
     
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    when the word "suicide" becomes a part of your vocabulary, it is really urgent to seek medical assistance. even if you don't have a plan, or don't feel like you really mean it, once you start thinking about it (what they call "ideation" sp?) from there to an attempt is a short slope. please don't take any chances with it. hold on to life. you may not see it now, but your life, your experiences, and what is yet to come can become what helps many other people down the road. we help each other and pass it on. please give yourself a chance. your story may become what saves my own life, who knows what lies down the road. I'm sure it will make a difference to more than one somebody. please get professional help if you have ANY thoughts of suicide being a possible solution. because the nature of depression is that eventually, it will appear to be the only solution.
     
  8. Summer1110

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2014
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    You are such a strong person, your story truly moved me and I am so sorry for everything youve had to go through. I know you dont know me but if you ever need to talk you can message me. I cant imagine how hard it must have been to go through that. Ive been in somewhat similar situations and just thinking about it tears me apart inside. I truly hope that things get better for you, no one deserves that.
    On the other hand congratulations on coming to terms with your sexuality, and I wish you the best of luck with women. The day I accepted that I loved women was one of the happiest Ive had and also helped me through a lot of what I had been going through because I didnt feel the need to hide who I was (*hug*)
     
  9. Michael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
    Messages:
    2,602
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Welcome to EC. That was really an interesting story... Sad, but interesting.

    ... There will be someone waiting for him in hell, and this time he won't win : He is going to regret every nasty, disgusting thing he has done to every girl, and you have my word for it...
    Such things are not worth of being called human anymore... You should have gone to the police... Report him... They deserve that... Plus to having a psycho waiting for them at the gates of the hell they'll go to :icon_wink

    That is how I feel, even if our circumstances are different.

    You will. I think you've got very good cards.

    ... Which is just perfect the way it is :thumbsup: